All posts tagged sex

VLOG: How Should I Think About Lust After the Death of My Spouse?

by brad on April 22, 2013 in Church Resource with 1 Comment

Question: I was married for 30+ years before losing my wife a couple of years ago. As a young person and throughout our marriage I struggled with masturbation. Frankly, I can see how it prevented me from enjoying sex with my wife as God intended. I want to honor God better than I have in any other season of my life. But in my loneliness I am prone to fantasize about my wife and masturbate. I know it would be wrong to fantasize about anyone else. Should I abstain from fantasizing about my wife?

Resources: Here are several resources that can be useful in preparing for of following up with the conversation discussed in this VLOG post.

To review the other questions addressed in this VLOG series click here.

Note: The VLOG (video-blog) Q&A is a regular series on my blog. If you would like to submit a question, it can be e-mail to Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com; admin over counseling at The Summit Church). Please limit your questions to 3-7 sentences. This is not a forum for to request or receive counseling. No responses will be sent to questions other those selected for a video response.

VLOG: When / How to Talk to Your Children about Masturbation

by brad on March 27, 2013 in Church Resource with 7 Comments

Question: I know my son will eventually learn about masturbation. I don’t like to think about, but in our day it doesn’t make sense to talk to my son about sex and the dangers of pornography and neglect talking about masturbation. When (what age) and how do I have this awkward conversation?


Resources: Here are several resources that can be useful in preparing for of following up with the conversation discussed in this VLOG post.

To review the other questions addressed in this VLOG series click here.

Note: The VLOG (video-blog) Q&A is a regular series on my blog. If you would like to submit a question, it can be e-mail to Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com; admin over counseling at The Summit Church). Please limit your questions to 3-7 sentences. This is not a forum for to request or receive counseling. No responses will be sent to questions other those selected for a video response.

Purity Covenant Discussion

by brad on February 28, 2013 in Church Resource with 3 Comments

One thing we ask of engaged couples in the Preparing for Marriage ministry at The Summit Church is to sign a Purity Covenant (Purity Covenant). This covenant is presented and discussed as part of the mentoring relationship we arrange for engaged couples.

Knowing this can be an awkward conversation (what conversation about sex isn’t?), we created this brief video to offer a model of the content and tone which leads into this conversation.

Additional information about the sociological and Scriptural reasons for abstaining from sex until marriage can be found in this discussion of cohabitation.

Our goal with each of these resources is to invite young couples into an important conversation; not to “win an argument.” We are for your marriage and believe that following God’s design is essential to enjoying the kind of life you’re envisioning when you say, “I do.”

Cohabitation: A Conversation Starter

by brad on February 1, 2013 in Church Resource with 2 Comments

When dating or engaged couples are preparing for marriage they often ask questions like this one:

My fiancé and I are getting married in a few months, but have been living together for a while. When we were doing our pre-marital counseling we were told living together before marriage was wrong and that we should live separately until we’re married. We want to honor God, but don’t understand why this is a big deal if we love each other and will be married in a few months anyway. We’re not trying to be rebellious, but we want to understand why a change like this would be necessary.

Cohabitation: A Conversation Starter by Brad Hambrick from Equip on Vimeo.

In this video I reference several resources you can find at these links:

Here is a PDF transcript (Cohabitation Conversation Starter) of the content covered in this video.

Oxytocin: The Neurotransmitter of Love

by brad on January 18, 2013 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

oxytocinOxytocin is the neurotransmitter associated with bonding love. It is involved with erotic love, like orgasm in sexual intercourse, but appears to have a more profound influence in the bonding of a mother and child (released in high quantities after child birth and while nursing) or a couple cuddling.

Using oxytocin and the common experience of bonding love, I’d like to quickly examine three questions. (1) Does knowing the biology of love reduce the experience of love to an animal instinct? (2) What would be the benefits and detriments if there were an oxytocin nasal spray?[1] (3) What practical implications can we draw about marital romance based upon our knowledge of oxytocin?

First, I do not think knowing the biology of love should reduce it to a purely physical experience – “I’m not in love, I’m just experiencing an oxytocin surge… It’s not you, its my oxytocin level.” But we can easily feel this way as we learn the mechanics behind something special. A similar experience often happens to seminary students. As they begin to study the Bible as a textbook, something precious becomes sterile as it is dissected.

This is one of the main dangers in an era where we are learning so much about the biology of emotions. We reduce emotions to our biology. That is the equivalent of reducing art to ink or music to notes. We can learn some important things, but it misses the most important elements for the most tangible.

That leads into the second questions. What if you could squirt a little love potion up your nose and recapture that lost spark with your spouse (or anyone else who happened to walk by while you were snorting infatuation)? Beyond the biological parody of Cupid’s stray arrow, would that be a good thing? Could it be used as a “treatment” for the loneliness of single adults or neglected children?

Doubtless, if such a medication were available, many would use it as a form of biological pornography (instead of visual or narrative) seeking the façade of closeness without risking the vulnerability of real relationship. Others would use it as a substitute or compensation for not adequately investing in their marriage – like a multi-vitamin taken by those who don’t eat healthy. These would (in my opinion) be detrimental uses of this hypothetical medication even if it “worked” as they propped up dysfunction with the emotional sensation of healthy.

I would be intrigued about whether doses of oxytocin could help with the development of neglected or orphaned children. But even in such a case, it could not be a substitute for involved parents or adoption as the only means for prolonged health during the formative years.

Yet I think we quickly realize something very important – an artificial replacement of a neurotransmitter cannot replace the actual relationship that was intended to produce it. Even if a nasal spray could help a child’s social and neurological development, it would not be as good as that child having loving parents.

But the most profitable discussion seems to be the third question. What can knowing about oxytocin, its effects and triggers, teach us about marital romance? What I’ve found, in my reflection on the subject, is that it can reinforce “common sense” relational advice with an additional layer of scientific explanation.

Oxytocin is triggered by prolonged skin-to-skin contact (among other ways). The effect of oxytocin (evidenced by studies where it has been artificially elevated) is that it creates a sense of closeness and trust with other people. So what does that mean for married couples?

  • Holding hands and cuddling are important even after marriage.
  • Couples should not rush foreplay before sex and rely solely on orgasm for closeness.
  • Physical touch is not merely a “love language” some people speak and others don’t.

These are not “profound” new insights. Hopefully they are not new at all. But I suspect for many people, particularly in a day when there is so much curiosity about the neurology of emotions, knowing this information will help reinforce some basics of what it means to steward God’s gift of marriage and honor our spouse.


[1] Curiosity caused me to do a Google search for “Oxytocin Nasal Spray” and sure enough there is already a product available called “Liquid Trust.”

Would Have Been the Best Sex Ever

by brad on August 29, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“The old Christian teachers said that if man had never fallen, sexual pleasure, instead of being less than it is now, would actually have been greater (p. 98).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

If you had to fill in the blank on, “If [blank], then it would have been the best sex ever,” how would you fill in the blank? It’s an important question, because whether you’ve ever articulated the answer, chances are you are rating your sex life by the answer and in some way trying to make it a reality.

If only I were 20 pounds lighter or 10 years younger. If only my spouse were 20 pounds lighter or 10 years younger. If only sex were not such a big deal, and there wasn’t so much pressure. If only we could get that spark back or have a spontaneous moment like on “those” commercials. If only we dated more. If only we took more romantic get-aways.

Honestly, any of those things might improve your sex life in some sense of the word improve. But if we made a list of the biggest sex killers it would not include weight, figure, anatomy, culture, lack of romance, age, lack of creativity, or lack of spontaneity.

The list of top sex life killers would include shame, fear, selfishness, laziness, insecurity, infidelity, promiscuity, comparison, and lust. What kills our sex life is not outside of us (our body, our spouse, or our culture). What kills our sex life is inside of us (sin).

Imagine the opportunity to express yourself sexually with one person in a context of complete commitment without any sense of self-preoccupation or shame. You were solely devoted to enjoying their pleasure, and they were solely devoted to enjoying your pleasure. Neither of you were comparing each other to another partner, and discontentment was not present to make the relationship feel mundane. That was the design of sex before the Fall.

That would have been the best sex ever.

What’s the point of fantasizing about such an ideal? The point is that we are already fantasizing about an ideal, but it is not one that leads us towards God’s design. Because we do not truly believe that God’s ideal would be the most satisfying sex possible, we try to improve upon it.

But all our improvements on God’s design destroy us. It would be easy to rail against our pride and rebellion at this point. But let me make an appeal based upon our foolishness and short-sightedness. We have been so wrong about what we were looking for (a misguided definition of good sex), for so long that we are now getting upset when we find it.

So let me propose that we daydream about great sex (as God defines it). What would this change? Us. What we daydream about has a powerful influence upon our entire person. It would change the things that had influence over us.

What would it require? Jesus. Admittedly, this entire reflection is highly idealistic without a radical change in human nature. Apart from the intervention of God’s grace in our life we do not want what is best for us. We need the new heart that God offers through Christ. But until we begin to fantasize about the kind of life that would be actually satisfying, we will continue to chase a multitude of “if only’s” that lead us to false gods and crushed souls.

A Bacon Strip-Tease

by brad on August 22, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“You can get a large audience together for a strip-tease – that is, to watch a girl undress on the stage. Now suppose you come to a country where you could fill a theatre by simply bringing a covered plate on the stage and then slowly lifting the cover so as to let every one see, just before the lights went out, that is contained a mutton chop or a bit of bacon, would you not think that in that country something had gone wrong with the appetite for food? And would not anyone who had grown up in a different world think there was something equally queer about the state of the sex instinct among us (p. 96)?” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

As an avid fan of the Food Network, I am not sure whether I should be convicted by this quote. Yet Lewis is making his point in a very provocative way. We treat the young male and female body in ways that would seem peculiar to an outsider of the human race.

There are plenty of things that are beautiful which we do not mass-obsess over like we mass-obsess over a naked human body: sunsets, the ocean, lightning, a stream in the woods, an eagle soaring in the sky, or the stars at night. We usually enjoy these things, but we don’t sacrifice our budgets, families, and dignity for a glimpse at them.

Those things that we mass-obsess over tend to be either the human body or the creation of human beings: music, sports, fame, food (yes, bacon), cars, or houses. We constantly place ourselves in physical, financial, relational, or moral jeopardy to have these things.

Can there be any doubt that we are a race obsessed with ourselves? We even make movies based upon the premise that other beings are as obsessed with themselves as we are (i.e., Plant of the Apes or countless movies of computers taking over the world).

Maybe instead of trying so hard to see a naked body, we need to wake up and see ourselves. Maybe we need to look in the mirror as intently as we look at a screen, stage, or through a window. Maybe our common experience is not as common sense as we’d like to pretend.

What does this mean? I cannot mean that we become non-sexual beings who forsake passion, attraction, or the recognition of beauty. It does mean that we have to stop making excuses for these features of our humanity to drive our lives.

We have become such willing slaves to self and sin that we have begun to call slavery, freedom. We have begun to call death, life. We have begun to define our life dreams in terms of a nightmare. And in keeping with our folly we seem surprised and offended when our dream comes true.

The solution cannot be elimination of these desires. We would cease to be human. The solution can be a new Master and obsession. Actually, this is the only answer for the human condition. It is the only thing that brings balance, life, hope, love, and health. Living for our Eternal Creator rather than His temporal creation is our hope.

The solution is not to try harder to avoid the bacon strip tease. We must recognize what our bacon-addiction reveals about our personal human condition and cry out to a Savior who is larger than our absurdity. Allow this illustration from C.S. Lewis to alert you to the parts of creation that have begun to make your soul salivate as only God should.

The Most Unpopular Christian Virtue

by brad on August 8, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“Chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no getting away from it; the Christian rule is, ‘Either marriage, with complete faithfulness to your partner, or else total abstinence.’ Now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts, that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct, as it is now, has gone wrong (p. 95).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

The either/or statement which concludes this quote is very provocative and, potentially, an effective point to begin a conversation about Christianity with a non-believer. Obviously, this would not be a standard introduction for conversation with every non-believer.

But many people have been hurt by the human sexual instinct in its current condition: rape, betrayal, or even the backlash of their own choices based upon sexual urges. In the case of rape or betrayal, people are left asking, “Why would someone do this to me?” In the case of the fallout in pursuing “sincere love” expressed sexually, people are left asking, “Why didn’t this work for me?”

Both questions echo the either/or contrast established by C.S. Lewis. If the current sexual instinct of the human race is right, normal, moral, or healthy, then there should be no rape, betrayal, or emotional trauma from the expression of sincere love. But there is. Not only do these things exist, but they affect the vast majority of the human population.

Honestly, how many people do you know who do not have deep regret about their own sexual activity pursued with good intent, or have deep pain due to unfaithfulness or some form of sexual abuse?

Those who have been touched by the devastation of the sexual instinct gone awry begin asking deep questions about the human condition. They want explanations for suffering and sin. They want to know if redemption, restoration, or hope truly exist. They want to know why the majority of what they have been taught has been proven tragically false.

The answer, at root, is that the human sexual instinct, like the rest of our being, is deeply tainted by sin. Our experience confirms this foundational tenant to the Christian faith, which so many want to condemn as judgmental or prudish.

Ask someone who has experienced the consequences of human sexuality if they would gladly accept the standard of the most unpopular Christian virtue. I believe they would gladly tell you “Yes!” if they believed it were possible. That takes us into a discussion of the necessity of Christ to keep the law on our behalf, which will have to wait.

The point is simply this: Christian virtue may be disliked or impossible apart from Christ of Christianity, but it has not been proven false. On the contrary, it is proven true in our lives constantly. When it comes to conversations with unbelievers, we can often draw upon their own experience to confirm the truths of the Bible rather than trying to convince them certain actions are wrong.

If they will not listen to the testimony of their own experience interpreted and illuminated by the truth of Scripture, then our evangelistic task might be (not always) better served continuing to build a bridge of friendship and/or waiting until their experience so confirms our faith that their heart cannot help but be tender to listen.

Chastity Versus Modesty

by brad on August 1, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“The Christian rule of chastity must not be confused with the social rule of ‘modesty’ (in one sense of that word); i.e. propriety, or decency. The social rule of propriety lays down how much of the human body should be displayed and what subjects can be referred to, and in what words, according to the customs of a given social circle. Thus, while the rule of chastity is the same for all Christians at all times, the rule of propriety changes (p. 94).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

I wonder how many angry e-mails C.S. Lewis got for this statement. To clarify Lewis’ quote, he goes on to compare how a fully clothed Victorian woman may be equally modeled with a tropical lady in a bathing suit. His point is the culture, climate, and generation play a significant role in defining modesty (as well as beauty, I might add).

So what is the danger in treating chastity (abstaining from sex outside of marriage) and modesty (dressing in a way that does not draw undue attention or provoke lust) as synonyms? Both are good. Lust is adultery of the heart (Matt. 6:27-30).

But one is timeless and the other is not. One is universal and the other is largely influenced by personal taste. For someone with a foot fetish, an open toe shoe could be downright indecent by the standard of modesty above. By treating them as synonyms we begin to define divine law by sways of human taste. This will inevitably create great conflict between people of different gender, culture, or generation.

Another danger is that we run the risk of defining protecting another from lust as taking responsibility for another person’s sin. When this happens we enslave some in a regulation of modesty in the attempt to free others from lust. This can easily become a form of codependency.

There is also the risk that virtue becomes vilified. Beauty becomes only a context for lust. Flavor becomes the trigger for gluttony. Fun becomes the temptation to laziness and triviality. Charisma and an out-going personality become flirtatiousness.

Beyond this there is the tenacious tendency of human beings to obey the letter of a law while revolting against its intent. Someone can dress very modestly and still be seductive. But when we define modesty in purely exterior expressions we miss the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Does this mean we should remove any attempt at defining modesty? No. But I would agree with C.S. Lewis that ultimately we can only define modesty as a form of loving our neighbor and not in terms of a dress code. Let us dress in a way that seeks to bless our neighbor’s pursuit of God.

It is only that attitude that will protect our heart from fear or pride while at the same time protecting our neighbor’s eyes and heart from lust.

So what does this mean practically? It means we have to do a better job of getting to know one another and allowing ourselves to be known. For years I dressed very modestly for a guy (usually not the gender reference point for this conversation, I know). But my motive was fashion-laziness and an affinity for old things. I still like a dirty hat with lots of “character.”

In that “modesty,” I never asked how my appearance influenced others. I was self-centeredly caught up in my own preferences. I have started to ask the question a bit more (with my patient wife’s 11 years of encouragement) and it hasn’t changed my fashion that much; other than my clothes are slightly less baggy. But I believe the question that guides my thinking is becoming more godly and serving to reinforce a more consistent mindset to think of how I can influence others for Christ. Maybe that’s “modesty on mission.”

10 Pre-Marital Questions on Sex & Intimacy

by brad on July 6, 2011 in Church Resource, Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

This series of blogs comes from FAQ’s from the guys in Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry. They represent a conglomeration of questions from many different husbands-to-be during the Engaged Discovery Weekend. If you are interested in serving as a marriage mentor or are engaged, click here to learn more about Summit’s “Preparing for Marriage” ministry.

QUESTION 1: How do you transition from “sex is wrong” to “sex is right”? How do we move from shame into freedom? How do you transfer from guilt associated with sex to pleasure with sex?

Click here to read my reply to Question 1.

QUESTION 2: How do I keep my thought-life pure leading up to the honeymoon? What about masturbation—is it sinful? How do you navigate from the sin of lusting for your fiancé to the lusting of your spouse (or is that a sin)? How does attraction change when you get married and begin having sex?

Click here to read my reply to Question 2.

QUESTION 3: If sex is painful for my wife, how do I help her through it? How can I practically serve, respect and honor my wife on the first night?

Click here to read my reply to Question 3.

QUESTION 4: What’s a good way to honor my wife in sex? What common things are dishonorable?

Click here to read my reply to Question 4.

QUESTION 5: Are men supposed to “lead” in sex as in other parts of the relationship?  Is there an appropriate balance for initiating intimacy?

Click here to read my reply to Question 5.

QUESTION 6: How do you overcome expectations you have from past sexual experiences?

Click here to read my reply to Question 6.

QUESTION 7: How long is reasonable for my fiancé to get over my sexual past?

Click here to read my reply to Question 7.

QUESTION 8: How do we control the carnal nature of ourselves and replace it with selfless love that the Bible teaches with regards to sex in marriage?

Click here to read my reply to Question 8.

QUESTION 9: What’s a way to handle one of us saying no to sex? How do you deal with times when you want sex and the other doesn’t? What do you do if you are not having your physical needs met? When the other person is not in the mood and you are – how do you deal with that?

Click here to read my reply to Question 9.

QUESTION 10: How do you ensure you and your spouse are having “enough” sex given a hectic and busy weekly schedule? How “intentional” do you find yourself having to be to have a “good” sex life? Are encounters scheduled a la date nights? What is the best way to maintain passion within sex as your marriage progresses?

Click here to read my reply to Question 10.

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