All posts tagged Secrets

You Don’t Know “The Real Me”

by brad on June 1, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

As a counselor I have talked to many people who live with secrets. Some were sin-secrets like addiction, adultery, or theft. Others were suffering-secrets like being sexually abused, shamed by a parent, or being embarrassed about living in poverty.

There is something most of these people had in common – the inability to receive love in healthy ways. Their secret (regardless of whether it was rooted in sin or suffering) gave them a filter for every relationship they were in – “You don’t know the real me.”

“You say you love me, but you don’t really know the real me.”

“You say I’m a nice, caring person, but you don’t know the real me.”

“You say I have a heart to follow God, but you don’t know the real me.”

“You say [insert any compliment or affirmation], but you don’t know the real me.”

Life becomes divided: the parts I let people see (good or neutral) and the parts I don’t let people see (bad). Even when the visible parts are real, we feel fake. People comment on and respond to what they can see. We rehearse and respond to what they can’t see.

This disproportionately affects our sense of identity. You can hear it in the phrase the “real” me. It is as if nothing that people can see is “real” because of what we’ve failed to tell them. We begin to believe that a skeleton in our closet means the roses in our living room are a façade. Even if one needs to be removed, it does not cancel out the reality of the other.

Pretending to be a pirate when you’re a boy doesn’t make you a fake boy. Someone who says, “You’re such a good little boy,” isn’t so deceived that their compliment is impotent. But the boy has to accept that he’s not a pirate and return to being a boy before he will feel known and affirmed.

A person with secrets begins to believe that they are so good at hiding no one knows them or would love them if they did. In the minority cases of living a double life this is true. But most often our “cover” is not that good. Few people are surprised to learn that the person who feigned confidence is insecure. Even fewer associate the identity of someone who has been abused by what happened to them as a child. It is by hiding abused comes to mean “damaged” and “unlovable.”

In this mindset any presence of suffering or the flesh cancels out any fruit of the Spirit. Scripture does not seem to speak of life this way (Rom. 7:23; 2 Cor. 10:3; James 4:1; 1 Pet. 2:11). Scripture would seem to imply that for Christians there is a “real me” who is in a war with sin and suffering, and that this war is evidence of God’ grace.

So what do we do? Do we just feel good about ourselves in spite of our secrets? No, that would just add another layer of self-deception under a thin veneer of self-help. It’s just another version of the lie we were trying to believe when we withhold the truth from those around us. Doubling down on that approach is foolish.

So what do we do? We risk being known. We accept the truth that until we take the risk of being known we will never know the joy of being loved. This risk comes with several implications:

We have to quit viewing confession or disclosure as punishment and see it as liberty.

We have to stop resenting others for not doing what we haven’t allowed – knowing the real me.

We have to accept that love is an act of grace that forgives our sin and comforts our suffering.

We have to release control of our secret to embrace something more powerful – love.

The closing thought is this – you will never feel more loved than you are honest. The gospel gives you the power and community in which to be honest. Until you are honest you will think “the real you” is “the secret you.” Once you are honest you can see that “the real you” is “a dearly loved child of God” who may have experienced suffering or struggle with sin.

Should Married Couples Have Any Secrets?

by brad on January 5, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

Let’s start by admitting that this question rarely comes up at neutral times. The context for this question is usually when one spouse wants more information than the other is willing to give. So in most settings as soon as you answer, you are “taking sides.”

I think it would be helpful to differentiate a few words as we seek to answer this question. Admittedly, the definitions are provided with marital application and will lead the discussion. But at least it will help us avoid using the same word to describe different things.

  • Secret – the intentional withholding of information from one’s spouse about yourself in order to cover up an action that would cause another person to be upset or one’s self to be in trouble.
  • Confidential Information – the intentional withholding of information from one’s spouse in order to effectively care for another person.
  • Privacy – the ability to dispose information about yourself voluntarily and not have that information extracted by involuntary methods.
  • Transparency – intentional choices made by a married couple to allow key information regarding marital health and fidelity to easily and constantly be available to both parties without requiring a direct request for information.

Hopefully you can see that our simple question seeking a yes-no answer, just became a bit more complex. But without these additional categories a simple answer would never be able to navigate the complexities of life. I will now seek to briefly answer each of the four questions that emerge.

Should a married couple have any secrets? NO – A spouse should never engage in an activity that they would be unwilling to disclose to their spouse. A secret (as defined here) is withholding information regarding a sin or legitimately hurtful activity. The reason for not keeping secrets has more to do with personal holiness (honoring God) than relational unity.

Should a married couple have any confidential information? YES – If a couple is going to have meaningful friendships outside the marriage (which is a good thing), a friend may share information that is requested to be kept private. In the name of a “one flesh relationship” confidential information should be information about another person and not yourself.

Should a married couple foster privacy? YES – Honor is a key component of relational health. When a relationship lacks privacy it devolves either into codependency or control. The transfer of information not covered under transparency should be voluntary. When this is violated a spouse is taking on a parental role which distorts the equality of marital partners. A couple should have a healthy enough system of transparency that major relational violations are detected through transparent information.

Should a married couple foster transparency? YES – Transparency is a primary form of expressing the “one flesh relationship” between husband and wife. Finances, general schedule, cell phone records, opposite sex communications, social networking passwords and similar things should be open in the marriage. When life is too busy, unorganized or a couple is defensive about such matters, then the marriage lacks a healthy level of transparency.

 
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