All posts tagged recovery

This is the ninth video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 9 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 9
STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory.

To “steward” something means to use it for God’s intended purpose. It is important to remember that what is being stewarded is your life, not merely the experience of overcoming sexual sin. To think otherwise would be to define yourself by your struggle again.

“I use the word recovery less, and the word healing or transformation more. We don’t go backward and recover; rather, we go forward to heal and be transformed… I have come to believe the Twelve Steps do not emphasize enough the radical spiritual transformation that can only be achieved through a more intimate relationship with Jesus Christ (p. 18).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

Sin is a parasite that lives off of stolen resources (time, energy, love, etc…) that were intended for other purposes. As we rid ourselves of this vile intruder, those resources upon which sin once indulged become available for God’s design and our true enjoyment. Ultimately, stewardship is the pinnacle where purpose, worship, and joy meet.

“Sex addicts must develop a vision. A vision is a clear idea of God’s calling, plan, and purpose for one’s life (p. 167).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

 “The fight of faith against lust is the fight to stay satisfied with God (p. 335).” John Piper in Future Grace

This is the eighth video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 8 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 8
PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me.

“One of the things we must realize is that if God were to instantly set us free, it would then be much easier for us to return to old habits (p. 122).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

“Porn is easy. It’s trouble-free and its pleasures are instant. Marriage is hard work. It involves two sinners being thrown together in close proximity (p. 127)!… Marriage is a gift for service, and sex is gloriously given to cement that partnership. But don’t let sex become the goal of your marriage—otherwise porn may seem like a good supplement (p. 129).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“But I’ve found that many men can stop habitual masturbation more readily than they imagine. Once they’re persuaded that life without masturbation is better than life with masturbation (p. 93)… Every time we worship God we’re reminding ourselves that he is bigger and better than anything porn can offer (p. 99).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“In other words, to rightly embrace our sexuality we must bring it under the dominion of the One who created it. When we do so, we’re not fighting against our sexuality; we’re fighting for it. We’re rescuing our sexuality from being ruined by lust (p. 43).” Joshua Harris in Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)

“You can’t ‘just say no’ to an evil imagination. You have to appeal in a more profound way to your imagination by working to replace the evil, dark, and wicked in your mind with the good, light, and pure (p. 22)… [God] wants you to have a vision of something so much better than living within your dark, self-centered imagination. God wants to give you a vision of life as it is meant to be, filled with real, true, and intimate relationship with him and authentic, loving relationships with others (p. 23).” David Powlison in Sexual Addiction

“[Referencing Genesis 2:23] Do not neglect the words ‘at last.’ It was through that period of searching, that period of sinless waiting on God, that Adam learned to appreciate what God ultimately provided (p. 48).” Tim Challies in Sexual Detox

This is the seventh video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 7 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 7
IMPLEMENT the new structure pervasively with humility and flexibility.

“Chaos occurs when we become willing to change and make real efforts to do so. Since this is new ground, we don’t know how to act or what to do. The old behaviors are gone, but we haven’t learned new ones yet. Chaos is confusing, frightening, and painful (p. 133).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

“Going in the right direction in your struggle with sexual addiction means learning to fight your temptation to sin, learning to handle your guilt when you fail, and learning to understand and deal with the circumstances in which you are tempted (p. 8).” David Powlison in Sexual Addiction

“As most adults have learned the hard way, reality is rarely as wonderful as fantasy. Many people create expectations for sex that reality cannot meet. I dare say that rarely has a teenage boy created a fantasy in which his partner rebuffs his advances because she is too tired (p. 40).” Tim Challies in Sexual Detox

“When things get tough at home, and they most certainly will, Satan will be right there to tempt you to run back to the partner. Rejection of these desires is imperative and will be a vital part of your recovery. Denial that these desires exist will only increase your vulnerability and risk. Be honest with yourself and with God. Recognize that the source of these desires is based on a lie. And the relationship you’d be running to is based in fantasy. Focus on the commitment you’ve made that is based on truth (p. 51).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“Paint yourself into a corner by telling others of your plans for change (p. 340).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

“Porn is a sin of imagination. We need to counter it by enlarging our imaginations. The answer to porn is to believe the truth. But that’s so much more than an intellectual process. We need to let the truth capture our imaginations: to meditate, ponder, wonder at, and sing the truth. We need to feel the truth, glory in the truth, delight in the truth (p. 64).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

Life Restructuring Assessment Tool from Step 7: Sexual Sin Plan Eval Form

This is the sixth video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 6 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 6
RESTRUCTURE MY LIFE to rely on God’s grace and Word to transform my life.

“Fleeing temptation may not be the complete solution, but it does buy time while we fight the fight of faith (p. 94).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“Suppose your Biology 101 professor handed you a live wolverine and asked you to dissect it—but you had no anesthetic and no way to tie the beast down. What if you talked nicely to the wolverine: ‘Now, sir, if you just sit still, I’ll try to get this over as quickly as possible?’ All you’d see would be bare teeth and flying claws in violent resistance to your experiment. Your flesh won’t sit still for meditation and prayer any more than a wolverine would submit to surgery (p. 73).” Kris Lungaard in The Enemy Within

“You see, sexual impurity isn’t like a tumor growing out of control inside us. We treat it that way when our prayers focus on deliverance, as we plead for someone to come remove it. Actually, sexual impurity is a series of bad decisions on our part—a result of immature character—and deliverance won’t deliver you into instant maturity. Character work needs to be done (p. 92)… You will have to take by faith that once you get your eyes and mind under control, the sexual pressure will drop off dramatically. You bring most of the sexual pressure onto yourself through visual sensual stimulation and mental fantasy (p. 118).” Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker in Everyman’s Battle

“If you are a man, start viewing women as your sisters, as people to protect instead of prey upon. If you are a woman, start treating men as your brothers rather than turning them into romantic-erotic objects… If you are married, begin the hard work of building an honest relationship where sexuality becomes one of the fruits of your unity as a couple (p. 25).” David Powlison in Sexual Addiction

“Our view of sex becomes detached from relationship and intimacy. Sex in porn is just a physical activity, nothing more. But real sex, sex as God intended, is the celebration and climax—quite literally—of a relationship. Godly sex is part of a package that includes talking together, sharing together, deciding together, crying together, working together, laughing together and forgiving each other. Orgasm comes at the end of a process that began with offering a compliment, doing the chores, recalling your day, unburdening your heart, tidying the house. Sex that disregards this is hollow… If you view sex as personal gratification or a chance to enact your fantasy, if you have sex while disregarding intimacy or unresolved conflict, then that sex will be bad in both senses of the word: poor quality and ungodly (p. 18).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

This is the fifth video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 5 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 5
CONFESS TO THOSE AFFECTED for harm done and seek to make amends.

“Making oneself transparent to another person is one of the difficult things that must be done. A man may institute all of the other steps outlined in this book into his life, but if he hedges on this one, all other efforts might prove to have been in vain (p. 63).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

“I hadn’t asked her before bringing this sin into our home. If she was going to live with the consequences of it, then she had the right to determine what she needed to know. If we had any chance of rebuilding this marriage, there was no more room for lies or half-truths. In our groups, we answer more questions related to talking during adultery recovery than any other subject. We might have thought trust or forgiveness or even sex would come up most often, but, in reality, conversation is the bridge that can deliver trust, forgiveness, and sex (p. 148).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“Confession includes two important aspects: (1) Confession brings secrets to the light of day so we drain them of their power… (2) Confession allows God and a caring person to see our ugliness and still love us… It is usually not healthy to make our wives our only accountability partners or our primary confessors (p. 339).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

“I have heard people tell me many times that they do not have anyone to confess to. What they were really saying is that they were not desperate enough to seek out someone that might be able to assist them (p. 75-76).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

“Building real relationships of love with real people is crucial to the transformation of your imagination. You have spent way too much time in your private fantasy world. A world of honest, constructive relationships await (p. 24)… The Bible is full of stories about sexual sin, and they are told in a way that leaves us without illusions, but is never arousing or morbid (p. 27).” David Powlison in Sexual Addiction

Confession Tool from Step 5: Confession Guide for Sexual Sin

This is the first video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 4 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 4
REPENT TO GOD for how my sin replaced and misrepresented Him.

“People should repent, change their ways, and get right with God. I always agree with these statements. The sexual behaviors that become addictive are sinful… Repentance, behavior change, and a deeper relationship with God are all goals of the healing journey for the sex addict. I usually respond to this question with another question: How long do you expect repentance and change to take (p. 24)?” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

“Here are three common reasons why people want to kick their porn habit: (1) to prove ourselves to God – so he will bless us or save us; (2) to prove ourselves to other people – so people like us or approve of us; (3) to prove ourselves to ourselves – so we feel good about ourselves… None of these reasons work, because they put ‘me’ at the center of my change project. And putting myself at the center is pretty much the definition of sin (p. 68)!… For some people, porn offers redemption, in terms of acceptance and affirmation, an alternative forgiveness. ‘I just want to feel that I’m OK. I turn to porn instead of God because the gospel doesn’t tell me that I’m OK. It tells me I’m a wicked sinner and Jesus died in my place. The gospel demands that I change. Porn says, ‘You’re OK just as you are (p. 57).’” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“The fantasy partner is all caring, all attractive, perfectly nurturing, and completely sexual… The addict believes in the illusion of control because he or she controls the illusion (p. 30)… The fantasies of a sex addict are feeble attempts to gain what only God is capable of giving, which we will experience partially on earth and fully in Heaven (p. 31).” Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy

“All that we call human  history – money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery – [is] the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy (p. 53-54).” C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

“Confession can be a helpful part of repentance, but it can’t take its place. It’s possible to feel bad about something and even tell someone else but not genuinely turn from our sin (p. 142-143).” Joshua Harris in Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)

“A repentant person is freed from defensiveness (p. 50)… Repentance needs to be understood as both an event and a lifestyle change. The event is like having a tooth pulled; the lifestyle change is like entering a total dental care program: it’s a lifetime commitment (p. 69).” Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen

This is the third video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 3 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 3
UNDERSTAND the origin, motive, and history of my sin.

“Adultery is an equal opportunity sin. It transcends social standing, intelligence, age, race, religion, and spiritual maturity (p. 101).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“Fantasy can produce chemicals called chatecholamines in the pleasure centers of the brain that positively alter mood and even have a narcotic-like effect. The addict then uses these effects to escape unpleasant emotions, to change negative feelings to positive feelings, and even to reduce stress (p. 29-30).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

“Each of us is unique in how we’re tempted to lust (p. 62)…It helps me to remember that my eyes are actively obeying my heart. They don’t have a mind of their own (p. 74).” Joshua Harris in Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)

“It is not difficult to see how porn feeds off these cultural expectations. It creates a fantasy that perfectly matches each of these fears. If you fear failure, then porn promises success—you always get the woman. If you fear rejection, then porn promises approval—a woman worships you. If you fear powerlessness, then porn promises potency—women are under your power (p. 50).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“We see something (a person or fantasy) we think will change our situation. Our deceitful heart buys into a false and empty promise: the promise of relief, of acceptance, of fulfillment. Once the deceived heart believes the promise it conceives a sin that leads to death (p. 64).” Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy

“Those who have experienced the unquenchable flames of burning lust can understand why the fathers of the early church regarded the worst aspect of hell to be that a person is left to his own lusts with no possibility of satisfying them (p. 78).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

“Adultery is often not centered on sex. Sex becomes part of it, but it may have begun as a supportive friendship or an office flirtation that guaranteed ego strokes. For some, it is the thrill of the illicit and a strange sense of adventure. Often after the chase is over, the excitement and attraction are gone. Sexual curiosity and frustration initiate some extramarital liaisons, but sex is just one of many reasons affairs occur (p. 347).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

Journaling Tool from Step 3:  Sexual Sin Journal

This is the second video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 2 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 2
ACKNOWLEDGE the breadth and impact of my sin.

“Pornography has unique power to damage a marriage because it is ultimately about self, not union. Indulging in pornography is a form of psychological isolation, a withdrawal into a tiny world of self-gratification. It is a kind of sexual expression that makes your appetites much larger even as your world gets much smaller (p. 26).” Tim Challies in Sexual Detox

“A sex addict, however, uses fantasy to move toward the unreal world of false intimacy rather than toward the real world of accomplishment and intimate, but sometimes painful, relationships… All sexual involvement begins in the mind… Sexual fantasy is a worship of self (p. 38).” Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy

“But what you’re doing is stealing. The impure thought life is the life of a thief. You’re stealing images that aren’t yours. When you had premarital sex, you touched someone who didn’t belong to you… It’s just like walking down Main Street behind someone who drops a one-hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket, and you pick it up. That money isn’t yours—even if he didn’t know he lost it (p. 72).” Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker in Everyman’s Battle

“How can a real woman – with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own… possibly compete with a cyber-vision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?… Today, real naked women are just bad porn.” Naomi Wolf in “The Porn Myth” in New York Magazine (October 20, 2003)

“I recommend a two-stage confession: An initial, honest disclosure of the facts, followed by a reflective, thorough, God-centered confession. This approach recognizes the importance of an immediate acknowledgement to your spouse and pastor or counselor. It also recognizes that a more thorough and careful repentance is needed (p. 8)… Come clean completely. She may or may not forgive you. But if she later discovers you have held back or minimized important facts, the odds of her forgiving and trusting you severely diminish. If the adultery itself does not end the marriage, your half-truths may kill it (p. 9).” Robert Jones in After Adultery

This is the first video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 1 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 1
ADMIT I have a struggle I cannot overcome without God.

“The message of this book is not that I’m against lust, but that I’m for God’s plan for sexual desire. Yes, lust is bad. But it’s bad because what it perverts is so good (p. 11).” Joshua Harris in Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)

“No one deserves sin. Sin is not something to be deserved or desired, but is something to avoid at all cost (p. 50)… The more a person becomes involved in sin, the less he sees it. Sin is a hideous disease that destroys a person’s ability to comprehend its existence (p. 60).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

“In our culture sex is everything and sex is nothing (p. 120)… One of the things that porn does is to make us think marriage is for sex. But it’s the other way round: sex is for marriage (p. 125)… So what is sex for? It is, first and foremost, an act of unification, uniting two people into one flesh (p. 122)… That’s why porn—along with all sex outside of marriage—is a sham, a fiction, a lie. You can no more ‘try out’ sex than you can ‘try out’ birth. The very act produces a new reality that cannot be undone (p. 123).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“These romantic fantasies further increased the distance between her and Jimmy because they were a constant reminder of his failure as a husband. She noticed that the more involved she became in the novels and soaps, the more resentful she felt towards him (p. 112).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

“When you start confiding in your friend things you’re reluctant or even resistant to share with your spouse, that’s an indicator the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship than in the marriage. When something happens and you think about sharing with your friend before you think about sharing with your spouse, that’s another indicator you’ve invited someone to stand between you and your spouse. One of the best indicators of this increasing intimacy is sharing with your friend about the problems you’re having in your marriage (p. 235-236).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“The determining factor in what makes the stimulus pornographic is how a sex addict turns otherwise nonsexual material into sexual fantasy. If you are an addict, this means you must determine what is pornographic for you and not worry about what is pornographic for someone else (p. 31).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

 Blog post “How to End an Extra-Marital Relationship” (referenced as Appendix B from the False Love seminar)

Sexual Sin Evaluation: Sexual Sin Assessment