All posts tagged Insecurity

What Is “Emotional Maturity”?

by brad on January 25, 2013 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

What does it mean to be “emotionally mature”? To some it would mean being stoic – having mastery of your emotions so that you felt only what you wanted to when you wanted to feel it. To others it would be sentimentality – feeling all there is to be felt in any moment to its fullest extent.

Here I will propose another definition (but not “the” definition). Emotional maturity is (a) the ability to differentiate and properly identify one’s emotions while (b) granting yourself the freedom to experience whatever emotion is appropriate to a given situation.

That is difficult, because the physiological, cognitive, and neurological experiences of various emotions are not that different (see previous post). Differentiating emotions (as we will see) can be much more like parsing the 47 shades of green at the paint store than one would think.

Let’s take a very common case study – an individual in his/her early twenty’s engaged to be married and transitioning from student to adult life deciding upon a career while in a job better suited for student life. What emotions would be common in this experience? I’ll pick three: anxiety, dread, and insecurity.

  • Anxiety – How many areas can this person ask, “Am I making the right decision?”
  • Dread – How hard is it to be that excited about the future and content in the present?
  • Insecurity – Who wouldn’t be asking, “Am I ‘good enough’ for the marriage/roles I’m wanting?”

What do all three of these emotions have in common?

  • Neurologically, there is a high degree of overlap in the neurotransmitters involved.
  • Physiologically, the bodily reactions of these emotions are highly similar.
  • Cognitively, for all three thoughts race while predicted outcomes get larger and increasingly negative.

So what happens for the emotionally immature person (not meant as a derogatory description)? Usually they pick one emotion as their problem. That becomes the focal point of their thinking and three smaller emotional struggles become one large, insurmountable struggle.

If the person views them self as an “anxious person,” then all of their dread and insecurity are labeled anxiety. This does two things. First, it makes the strategies for dealing with anxiety (even biblical ones) two-thirds ineffective (assuming equal parts anxiety, dread, and insecurity). Second, it creates a gravity where every unpleasant emotional experience adds to the overwhelming sense of anxiety.

So what must an effective biblical counselor or one-another disciple-maker be able to do in a situation like this?

First, they need to be able to help their friend separate their emotional experiences. Often we are better at this with our theological categories than we are in our interpersonal and intrapersonal categories. As an example, a biblical counselor should be as attune to the various aspects of emotional experience as Mark Driscoll is to various aspects of the gospel in his book Death by Love (where he makes pastoral application of distinct features of the gospel like: redemption, gift righteousness, justification, propitiation, expiation, atonement, ransom, and reconciliation.

Second, (which too often is where I fear we begin) we need to be able to provide good-biblical-practical guidance to the individual’s struggle. In the case study above, unless dread and insecurity are separated from anxiety, then good counsel based on a sloppy assessment will produce limited results. However, once the individual sees him/herself accurately, then (if they are a Christian) their biblical existing instincts are likely to begin to implement their existing biblical wisdom as their sense of being overwhelmed dissipates.

On Counseling and Comedy

by brad on July 13, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with 4 Comments

I’ve never been mistaken for a comedian. I like humor and I try to be funny, but that’s just it… I try. Most of my jokes are very dry and when people eventually get them they moan more than laugh. All of that to say, I am venturing off of my “home turf” with this analogy.

I believe there is a common mistake that is made by both young comedians and young counselors – they jump to the point / punch line too quickly.

Think about it. It’s your first night on stage and the only reason you’ve been given a microphone is to make people laugh. There is an intense sense of felt-need to say something funny. Every second you spend building the story of your joke is another moment your confidence fades. You can tell that everyone in the room can sense how uncomfortable you are.

The rescue plan seems simple – fast forward to the punch line. But the timing is off and the people are just ready enough to know that what you said was supposed to be funny. There is a slight chuckle, but not enough to bring life back to the room or confidence to your routine. Now when you back up and try to come at the joke again it is less funny because the surprise element is lost.

Counseling is not that different. You’re sitting down with a stranger whose only reason to come see you is for relief and direction. There is an intense sense of felt-need to say something profound, or at least helpful. As you listen you are searching for something biblical to say. It is obvious you are searching instead of listening and the discomfort becomes contagious.

The rescue plan seems simple – fast forward to a truth statement. But the counselee is not ready and relevant truth comes off as cliché and canned. There is a sense that God’s Word could be useful, but there is not enough trust or awareness to carry the weight of God’s Word where it needs to go. Counseling continues, but each subsequent “answer” still feels more generic than cutting to the heart.

In light of this reflection read Proverbs 25:11, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”

The same word could have been un-fitly spoken and its value would be much less; not because it would be less true, but because its impact would be greatly reduced.

This is why no counseling approach, including biblical counseling, will ever be a recipe. We cannot create an equation that says, “This problem requires these truths in this order.”

So what is the take away? We are not just trying to discern what to say in counseling. We are trying to discern when to say it and how to best prepare an individual to receive the truth that would comfort their suffering, give direction to their confusion, reveal their sin, reinforce their perseverance, etc…

This requires patience on the part of the counselor. This patience requires a belief in the power of incarnational living to accompany a belief in the power of Scripture. The Bible ties the effectiveness of Jesus’ ministry in large part to His ability to relate to who we are (John 1:14; Hebrews 4:14-16). The Bible also speaks of Jesus coming “in the fullness of time” (Gal 4:4; Eph 1:10).

As we seek to counsel, let us mirror these attributes of the One we are seeking to represent. Let us take the time to get to know the world of our counselees, even if this creates an awkward time of uncertainty about what direction counseling will take. As we enter their world, let us be as concerned with the counselee’s preparedness to receive God’s truth as we are with our faithfulness to deliver it.

Ultimately, we are not trying to be funny or liked. But we know that we use an instrument that is sharper than any other (Heb 4:12-13), so we take our time in the conversational environment of counseling to seek to be sure that the powerful words we speak are “fitly spoken” and, thereby, have their full value / effect.

Booklet Preview – Vulnerability: Blessing in the Beatitudes

by brad on May 4, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

I am excited to announce the near release of my second publication: Vulnerability: Blessing in the Beatitudes.

The Format:

This booklet is written in a highly devotional style. After an introduction that walks you into the subject of vulnerability (in wouldn’t make sense to jump in abruptly), each beatitude is examined in five ways.

  1. Description–attempts to define the disposition, role, or activity that Jesus says is “blessed.”
  2. Benefit for Vulnerability–helps you see the connection between that beatitude and a healthy sense or acceptance of vulnerability.
  3. Implementation—provides possible ways that you could begin the process of growing in this facet of vulnerability.
  4. Personal Reflection—offers questions to assist you in examining your life in light of the beatitude under examination.
  5. Prayer—gives a sample guided prayer to help you bring this area of growth before the Lord regularly. Remember, we never grow apart from the grace of God empowering us, and prayer is the initial and primary way we demonstrate our dependence upon and vulnerability towards God. These are sample prayers to be made on your own.

Consider these sections two and three from the “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst” section.

Benefit for Vulnerability: Vulnerability requires silencing the fear of being found out. Creating more elaborate disguises does not work. Even the greatest secret agents begin to doubt their disguises when they are in a den of thieves. Acknowledging our hunger (deficiency, weakness, or insecurity) allows us to live in the real world; as opposed to the fabricated world where we have to portray that we have it all together.

This is not the voyeuristic telling of all of our problems to everyone. Rather it is placing all of our inadequacies, hurts, and sins in the hands of God to allow them to be used at His discretion for the advancement of His kingdom by encouraging, instructing, or identifying with His other hurting people. This hunger (acknowledging dependence) is a hunger for righteousness because it longs for God to redeem every aspect of our life (even the unappealing) for His glory.

Implementation: Reflect on the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-30). What are the one-talent equivalents of your life; those things you want to bury and hide for fear of God’s or other people’s scorn? Make a list of events, physical attributes, abilities, or embarrassments. Before doing anything else, bring those to God in prayer and make them “available” for whenever or however He might use them for His glory.

Then pray that God would reveal to you an opportunity to use an item on your list to encourage, instruct, or identify with someone else. Study for a biblical perspective on each item on your list so that when the moment comes, your attitude, words, and actions will reflect God’s heart. Pray that when the moment comes God will give you both the courage to speak and the heart to rejoice for the opportunity. Pray that God will eventually give you the ability to rejoice and give thanks for those aspects of your life you currently do not want to acknowledge (2 Cor. 12:7-10).

The booklet allows you to patiently examine eight qualities that Jesus called “blessed” that are parts of vulnerability. With each beatitude you learn not only what to do, but how and learn to see yourself accurately and talk to God honestly about what you’re learning. In the end that vulnerability is not one, large, monolithic thing, but a collection of qualities (like the fruit of the Spirit) in which you will have strengths and weaknesses which can be overcome by God’s grace.

Ordering Information:

You can purchase a pre-order copy now on Amazon.

You can preview four sample pages through P&R.

You can also review other booklets in The Gospel for Real Life series.

Feel Awkward Being Expressive in Worship? Me Too

by brad on March 30, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with 8 Comments

Two realities exist: (1) Scripture commands us to be expressive in our worship, and (2) many people feel awkward clapping, raising their hands, or saying “Amen” in public worship. Both of these realties are self-evident enough; they don’t need to be supported.

But they do need to be navigated and there are many angles from which we can come at the discussion. We can take the Lordship approach – if God commands something, we should obey whether it is natural or not. Or, we could take the progressive sanctification approach – looking for evidence of movement towards God’s ideal and drawing encouragement as we build momentum. Both approaches are good and helpful.

But here I’d like to take a counseling approach to the question – when God calls us to do something, it is dually for our good and His glory. Expressive worship is no different. If we can understand how expressive worship frees us from common elements of the human struggle, the kindness of God can be used to draw us to repentance (Rom 2:4) for disobeying this awkward command.

This is true for even those of us, like myself, who are generally introverted, rhythmically-challenged, reflective worshippers.

What is at the root of the awkwardness we feel? Usually it is some form of self-preoccupation – it feels weird, we don’t want to be noticed, we don’t like our singing voice, we didn’t grow up worshiping this way, etc… Who is at the center of all of those statements? I am (not to be confused with the Great I AM).

What is also at the center of the vast majority (if not all) of our life struggles? I am. Whether it is pride, insecurity, or the ramification of not being able to put myself in the shoes of another person, self-preoccupation is at the center of most life struggles.

What does God want to accomplish in each one of our lives? He wants to free us from being slaves to sin. What does that require? It means God has to save me from me. Think for just a moment about how glorious life would be without pride or insecurity and with the ability understand others. What would you give for that?

Jesus spoke about what the cost for such a life would be, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it (Luke 9:23-24).” This passage reveals how much our instincts betray us and trap us in ourselves.

Too often we take a passage like this and cynically think, “Great! Jesus says I have to the things I dislike in order to be happy.” That misses and distorts the point. The emphasis is not on what we do, but for whom we do it – “for [Jesus’] sake.”

This is where expressive worship comes in. It is a regular way that I can be drawn out of myself purely for the glory of God. I have the opportunity to be weekly led to forget myself and focus on God. It is one of the few times I can be in a room full of people doing something and be free from thinking about me. I need that! I desperately need that. Apart from corporate worship, I have no idea where else I could find anything comparable.

I cannot think of a better remedy for pride, insecurity, or other forms of self-preoccupation than to celebrate someone infinitely greater than myself in such a way that I lose myself in the presence of people I’d otherwise want to impress.

Is that not the entire point of worship? To celebrate God so vividly that “the things of earth [myself included] grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace (Hymn: Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus).”

Now let’s be honest. Does this make expressive worship any easier? My personal testimony is, “Yes and No.” On the one hand, if I walk into worship rushed and distracted, then my expressive-instincts are not strong enough to over-ride my reserved nature. I still have to remind myself why it’s important (obedience) and how God is changing me through worship.

On the other hand, I now have an appetite to worship God in a way wants me to be freed from me. More than this, I want those moments of corporate freedom to carry over into my family life, thoughts, and emotions. I can now pray for a freedom in worship believing God wants to give me something that is truly for His glory and, also, my good. I still have to withstand the awkwardness of self-preoccupation, but I have tasted the freedom of self-forgetfulness and it’s worth it.

That’s my journey in this area of obedience to (and growing enjoyment of) God. What’s yours?

10 Way Your Spouse's Sexual Sin Effects You

by brad on February 14, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with 4 Comments

This resource is taken from the “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin” seminar notebook (February 19, 2012; 5:00 to 8:00 pm; The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue; 2415 Presidential Drive, Suite 107; Durham, NC 27703; Free – No RSVP Needed).

As you seek to understand the impact of your spouse’s sexual sin upon you, it is important to recognize that these impacts will come in two varieties: (1) impacts for which understanding, time, and removing the destructive elements of the suffering story are the remedy; and (2) impacts which call for actions from you or your spouse in order to counter the effects of the suffering. For the first variety, the corrective elements will be defined in chapters four through six. For the second variety, the corrective elements will be defined in chapters seven and eight. Your goal in this chapter is merely to “understand.” If reflecting on these aspects of impact on you is overwhelming, remember you can take your time – recovery is not a race.

There is the obvious emotional impact of your spouse’s sexual sin: numbness, anger, despair, fear, jealousy, regret, embarrassment, shame, depression, and other emotions. These emotions are assumed in each of the impacts discussed below. But the ten changes below focus more on the relational or dispositional affects than the emotional expressions. Most of them have to do with influences that began before the discovery of your spouse’s sin or common unhealthy ways of responding to a spouse’s sexual sin.

1. Tolerating an Unhealthy Lifestyle: Unhealthy does not always mean unfaithful, but unfaithful requires increasing doses of unhealthy in order to grow. The types of unhealthy marital habits can small or large: keeping the computer in a low traffic area of home, not communicating schedules and having blocks of unaccounted for time, separate budgets and unmonitored spending, recreating in mixed gender settings without your spouse, allowing personal hobbies or work to crowd out time for marriage, crude or demanding language about sex, responding in anger to questions about time or money, or growing disinterest and infrequency in sex. When sexual sin is a part of your spouse’s life and you do not know it, then these unhealthy lifestyle changes become the “normal” of your household.

Read Ephesians 4:3-13. Paul says that the lifestyle associated with sexual sin “must not even be named among you (v. 3).” The lifestyle characteristics described above should be changed; not just because they make you uncomfortable, but because they create an atmosphere where sexual sin (and many other sins) are easy. When Paul talks of major changes to language that are “out of place” (v. 4) he says that this should be done with thanksgiving (both in content of speech and attitude of heart). It is not in response to your preferences that these changes should be made (insinuating when you are “less sensitive” things can return to “normal”) but in response to God’s design for a healthy marriage.

2. Changing Role or Identity: It is hard to live in sin and live responsibly. As the offending spouse becomes less responsible, the offended spouse takes on the role of parent, nag, stiff, or rescuer. If the offending spouse is generally irresponsible, these relational roles can become an identity. After the sin has been discovered the roles can become even more pronounced. After discovery, the offended spouse can feel a sense of identity confusion (i.e., “I feel lost. I don’t know who you are or I am anymore.”) or escape into other roles (i.e., devoting yourself fully the kids or work to avoid the pain and confusion that comes with being a spouse).

 “[Case Study and testimony] Lorie, 34, is a nurse and mother of two young children. She believed that her 10-year marriage to Todd, an engineer, was good. True, their sex life had decreased recently, but Todd told her it was because he was involved in an important and demanding project at work, and he was usually exhausted by evening… Lorie’s life began to fall apart when she accidentally discovered Todd’s secret sexual life on the computer… She later said, ‘I felt total distrust in myself, my spouse, and the relationship. I felt betrayed, confused, afraid, and stunned. The person I loved and trusted most in the world had lied about who he was. I felt I had lived through a vast and sinister cover-up (p. 24).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

Read Ephesians 5:22-33. At this time it is better to read this passage for a refresher on marriage functioning. Your marriage is strained and away from what God designed it to be. But it is important to notice that in each case the spouse role (husband and wife) is secondary to and an example of the relationship with God (“as to the Lord” and “as Christ”). Whenever we face trials we have tendency to define ourselves by our struggle. In times like these it is easy to be defined by your marriage more than your God. When that is the case how you see yourself and how you relate to your spouse will be negatively affected..

3. Acquiring Controlling Tendencies: “I don’t want to be hurt again.” The controlling tendency has a very understandable origin. “Healthy” (discussed in impact variable one) becomes controlling when it doesn’t allow the other person to voluntarily choose “healthy.” Controlling claims to know what you’re thinking, feels threatened to be wrong, must have “say” not just awareness of money and time, or demands proof of subjective realities. After the betrayal of sexual sin, these responses are usually done more from self-protection than vengeful punishment. But regardless of motive they eat away at the betrayed, now controlling spouse and withers efforts at marital restoration. Control promises safety but provides a counterfeit version of safety at the cost of creating an environment for healthy restoration.

“What you will have to face, Kelly, is that you cannot make your husband do the right thing. You cannot talk him into it; you can’t shame him into it; you can’t police him into it; and you can’t threaten him into it. However, what you can do is begin learning the secret of how to entrust him into the hands of the Lord. After all, only God can change his heart (p. 94-95).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

4. Becoming Inconsistent: This is the other side of the controlling tendency. Inconsistency can come into your life in several ways. First, before discovery, you may find that nothing you do makes a difference in the marriage and begin to give up on things that are important. Second, after discovery, you may make so many declarations about changes that “should be made” that not all of them can be done consistently or find that some of them were not as relevant as they seemed in your initial fear. You begin to feel weak or hypocritical for not following through on what you said. Third, after discovery, you become emotionally overwhelmed and quit in areas of life or marriage that you know to be important. Regardless of its cause a lifestyle of inconsistency establishes itself and eats away at the good intentions of a healthy marriage.

5. Growing Gullible or Cynical: The lies of a spouse’s sexual sin can push the offended spouse in one of two unhealthy directions: gullible or cynical. You feel torn. “At some point I have to give the benefit of the doubt, right?” But on the other hand, “So much that sounded plausible was a lie, why believe anything but my doubts now?” It feels like the only choice is to believe everything or believe nothing. “Truth” begins to feel like a cruel joke. You want it to know the truth, but each time you have thought you did, it changes (i.e., more of the story comes out or another hurtful choice is made).

“One of the terrible and frightening aspects of sin is the unbelief it fosters (p. 141).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

Read Hebrews 2:10-18. This passage raises the question of trust in the midst of suffering. That is the difficult battle you are facing as you seek to resist being either gullible or cynical – learning how to trust wisely in the midst of suffering. Notice the passage ends with Jesus compassion for your predicament (v. 18). Jesus to was betrayed by one he committed His life to (Matt 10:1-4), whom he trusted enough to manage His earthly money (John 13:29), and had the power to destroy Him with affection (Luke 22:47-48). You may feel like this skepticism and uncertainty is a “lifelong slavery” (v. 15) know that Jesus is able to deliver. He is with you in the midst of this uncertainty (Heb. 13:20-21) and will ultimately let the truth be known (Heb. 4:12-13). The True Betrayal and False Love studies are designed to allow truth to be known by confession, which is best for your spouse’s restoration and the benefit of your family.

6. Growing Passive Toward Life: “It doesn’t matter what I do.” These are painful words. Whenever we speak them it reveals that we have lost the exclusive ability to do, protect, or create what is most important to us. They are the words of a parent whose child has a terminal disease, the business owner facing bankruptcy, and the spouse whose partner has been unfaithful. Nothing feels permanent, solid, or dependable anymore. Emotional or relational investment no longer guarantee the desired result like they once seemed to. It is easy in this environment to become passive in such a way that depression becomes a cocoon protecting you from the unpleasant realities of your marriage and family.

Read Philippians 3:7-16. Paul knew he did not have what it took to continue (v. 12a) and that what he had been building his life upon was not capable sustaining him through his current situation (v. 7). He had to remind himself and his readers to “press on” and not allow this sense of being overwhelmed to paralyze them (v. 12b). Paul did not literally forget his past (v. 13). He frequently referenced it (2 Cor. 11:21-33; 1 Tim. 1:12-17). But Paul is talking about not allowing our past to define us more than God’s ability to work in our present and future. This is the mark of maturity (v. 15) to which he was striving and calls on us to strive for.

7. Growing Insecurity: This insecurity may be expressed through fear or anger, but regardless of its expression you begin to live with a constant barrage of questions about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Everything is being evaluated and there seem to be no certain answers to any of the questions. The net effect of living in this kind of questioning is that everything begins to feel personal, as if it is a commentary on your actions and worth. It is from this self-referential way of thinking that each action, word, or even silence in you day begins to illicit fear, doubt, anger, quick hope, deep disappointment, and other intense emotions.

“We wives need to know that when we allow fear and doubt to consume our minds we become just as self-centered as the man who is controlled by lust. Why? Because when we do, we are only thinking about ourselves, and everything centers around us (p. 65).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

Read 2 Corinthians 10:1-18. Paul is in the midst of an intense and personal conflict. He is struggling with how he comes across (weak in person; strong in his letters). He wants to maintain the humility of Christ while boldly answering his critics who question his ministry. Notice how Paul struggles to avoid making an intensely personal conflict self-referential. From the tone of his public letter, it is safe to say that Paul also struggled to maintain this distinction in his personal thought/emotional life. Be encouraged by his vulnerability while learning from his example.

8. Living a One Variable Life: Living a one variable life can happen in several ways after a spouse’s sexual sin. First, as your marriage becomes the most intense issue in your life, it is easy to allow the condition of your marriage to define your life. Second, you can focus on the “one thing” your spouse should do next as if it would make everything better. Third, you can use your fluctuating response to your spouse’s sin as the measure of your faith in or walk with God. However we reduce our life to a single variable it has two effects: (a) it makes our world smaller, and (b) it makes every problem in our now small world seem bigger. The result is that we create a mental environment that is inhospitable for hope or encouragement.

9. Relating as a Codependent: Codependency can be defined as a relational style built upon the false assumption that sin plays by consistent rules. The “game” in codependency is to learn the “rules of sin” (at least the particular sin of the particular person that is affecting you) so that you can prevent the sin from occurring. The “advantage” to the game is that it gives the façade of control over another person. The problem with codependency is that these rules do not exist, it makes you responsible for your spouse’s sin, and it results in the preferences of your spouse becoming your functional god. As you resist the urge to relate codependently, you will experience the fear of realizing that your spouse’s sexual sin is outside your ability to control. But you will also be laying the foundation for a marriage that can be a relationship of mutually responsible, mutually honoring people.

10. Post-Traumatic Stress: After the discovery of your spouse’s sexual sin, it is common to live with a high degree of emotional and situational intensity for a period of time. This can be “traumatic” in both the descriptive and clinical sense of the word.

“The deception and the secret life of the sex addict bring unprecedented turmoil, fear, and pain to the partner (p. 11).” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

In some cases, this trauma can create the experience of Post-Traumatic Stress (PTSD). PTSD is when an individual faces an event he/she is unprepared to handle and the impact of that event has a lingering impact on life functioning. If you are experiencing any of the following symptoms six months after the discovery of your spouse’s sin, then you are likely experiencing the affects of PTSD. As you create a safe and transparent home environment, these symptoms should subside. If not, then seeking personal counseling for these affects is advisable.

  • Intrusive recollections of the events surrounding your spouse’s sexual sin or your discovery.
  • Recurrent dreams associated with your spouse’s sexual sin.
  • Flashbacks where you feel like you are re-experiencing your spouse’s sin or the discovery of it.
  • Intense distress when you experience things that remind you of your spouse’s sexual sin.
  • Feelings of detachment from others.
  • Difficulty concentrating at your normal levels.
  • Hypervigilance – always looking for what is about to go wrong.

Loving the Unlovable in Me

by brad on December 12, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“I admit that this means loving people who have nothing lovable about them. But then, has oneself anything lovable about it? You love it simply because it is yourself. God intends us to love all selves in the same way and for the same reason: but He has given us the sum ready worked out in our own case to show us how it works. We have then to go on and apply the rule to all the other selves (p. 120).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

There is beautiful discomfort in this quote. It is simultaneously offensive and relieving. I want to rebuttal, “What do you mean that there is nothing lovable in me? What do you mean God made it that way so I would be able to love the unlovable in others?”

But at the same time I want give a relieved sigh and say, “You mean I don’t have to ‘keep it together’? There really isn’t this perpetual pressure to be ‘good enough’ for God?”

I want the beauty of the gospel without the discomfort. I want the relief without the offense. But we simply cannot have it both ways. We want to figure out a way to overcome our insecurity without having to extend the same unmerited grace to others.

The most common approach is to do away with the biblical category of our sinful nature. Somehow we want to say that “everyone is really good” but also “nobody’s perfect” (awkward contradiction not beautiful discomfort). We try to build our self-esteem by saying that our nature is good, but then get defensive when our sinfulness breaks through our idealistic veneer and reveals our real nature.

Lewis acknowledges our sinfulness, but does not succumb to a sense of self-condemnation. His acknowledgement that there is nothing good in us to love does not cause him to sound pessimistic, negative, or hopeless. He still speaks of love and God’s design to teach us how to love with a sense of optimistic hopefulness.

In this regard, I believe we can learn as much from Lewis’ style and tone as his content. He makes a very unpopular point is the most palatable way. Lewis forces me to see my total depravity and lack of deserving love in a way that keeps the focus on God’s love and design.

I walk away thinking, “God allows me to respond to me the way I do – seeking my preservation and best interest in spite of my failure because of a love for self that is stronger than my dislike for self – so that I can learn how to love others like He loves all of us.”

I am not called to relinquish that care for self. But I am called to see that it is a faint picture of His love for me. It is a clue left in my soul meant to cause me to question, “Why would I respond to myself this way when it’s so hard to respond to anyone else this way?”

Either we are more selfish than we realize – giving ourselves advantage we won’t give anyone else. In which case, any sense of affection for self is continued self-delusion. Or, we are following a design left in us by our Creator, after the Fall, to give us a first-person experience of what His love for us is like. In this case, we follow this self-affection away from ourselves back to the source from which it came.

Let us follow Lewis’ example and realize that God’s truth always unravels very personal parts of our life struggles. When we walk to God’s truth through these questions and struggles, then even when the answers are offensive they will bring awkward comfort that leaves us trusting God more.

C.S. Lewis on Loving Myself

by brad on November 28, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“For a long time I used to think this a silly, straw-splitting distinction: how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life—namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated these things was that I loved the man. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find that I was the sort of man who did those things (p. 117).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Is the primary problem of the human condition that I don’t love myself enough (low self-esteem) or that I love myself too much (pride)? That is a question that can stir a great deal of debate.

I would contend that the fervor of the debate itself reveals that the scales tip toward pride. If low self-esteem were really the core human ailment, then we would timidly defer to one another and our disagreements would be mousy.

When reading the larger works of C.S. Lewis you will find that he sides on the pride side of this debate. However, here he is discussing self-love in a way that is distinct from pride. He does not seem to denigrate the self-love he describes here as pride (nor do I think he should).

Lewis describes this healthy self-love as hating the sin in my life because it destroys something that was intended to be good – namely self.

This points helps to answer one of the strongest points made by critics of the self-esteem movement (and I count myself in that number) – self-esteem assumes that we are basically good people who only do bad things because of negative outside influences. Scripture clearly teaches the opposite. We are people marred by sin who naturally love darkness instead of light (John 3:16-21).

Yet Lewis’ depiction of healthy self-love allows for a fundamental moral brokenness in the human race. His take on self-love still allowed him to admit, “I was the sort of man who did those things.” No silly, illogical excuses like, “You know I didn’t mean it,” or “I only behaved that way because…,” or “That wasn’t really me who did/said that.”

I believe it is instructive to see how Lewis got to this view of self-love. He got there by thinking of others. He wanted to know how you could hate the sin and love the sinner. Taking the Second Great Commandment seriously led him to consider the one example where he already obeyed it. Coincidentally, it was the example Jesus said to use – love others “as” (implying something that is already naturally occurs) you love yourself (Matt. 22:39).

It was from this example that he got an answer to his question: how do you hate the sin and love the sinner? Answer: You are grieved for how sin destroys the life of the sinner. Even when the sinner gets an advantage or pleasure from his/her sin, you are grieved that sin’s addictive roots are being reinforced.

How is this love? It is love, because all grief is rooted in love. You will only grieve after you have loved. You are saddened because of an obstruction in a desired joy. In this case, another person’s good.

So let us realize that we love ourselves naturally even when we are made miserable by our actions. Our misery actually reveals our love for self – we genuinely desire our good. After realizing this let us love others with that same desire for their good. That is the only thing that will prevent a healthy self-love from becoming pride, self-centeredness, or self-preoccupation (insecurity).

Blame It On the Body?

by brad on July 11, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

 “Most of the man’s psychological make up is probably due to his body: when his body dies all that will fall off him, and the real central man, the thing that chose, that made the best or the worst of this raw material, will stand naked. All sorts of nice things we thought our own, but which were really due to a good digestion, will fall off some of us; all sorts of nasty things which were due to complexes or bad health will fall off others. We shall then, for the first time, see every one as he really was. There will be surprises. (p. 91-92).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

It would again to be easy to jump into the disease-model debate regarding addictions, depression and the like. But if we engage that debate at every opportunity, we will miss many other relevant and beneficial discussions.

In this quote, we do find Lewis adding something unique to the modern conversation. Lewis attributes both desirable and undesirable traits to human physiology. Too often in modern conversations desirable traits are assumed to be “me” and undesirable traits “not me.”

We are willing to receive credit for our biological advantages, but not willing to take responsibility for our biological disadvantages. Both exist. The question is not whether some people are predisposed to addiction, depression, or numerous other vices – and virtues (in my opinion). The question is, “How should we think about responsibility in light of these responsibilities?”

In the purely volitional realm, no one will ever become an alcoholic without taking the first drink. But that cannot be where the responsibility question ends. Yet depression is harder to discern than addiction. One cannot abstain from the emotional ups and downs of life.

The question does not even end at the point of deciding whether medication is a legitimate or wise option. Medication alone cannot reverse the decision to drink or give hope. In their best usage they curb an urge, make one nauseous for succumbing to drinking, or create a stabilized-to-flat-line emotional effect.

Decisions still have to be made, relationships engaged, work done, and life lived. Even if medication is chosen, the question of responsibility is not answered or bypassed. C.S. Lewis’ point (as I understand it) is that we all have a “me” which exists inside our physical body which is tainted by the Fall. The brokenness (and blessedness) that exists in our physical body influences our “me” for better or worse.

Interlude: Our “me” is also tainted because of the Fall. Our “me” is not innocent or inherently good only to be corrupted by culture and our broken body. This is why Lewis does not vilify the body and even presents the likelihood that some people’s physical giftedness hides the degree of corruption in their soul.

So what do we take away from this reflection? If we understood the influence of our body and valued the judgment of God correctly, then it would be a significant remedy for our insecurity. We would not be competing (another way to say comparing ourselves) with other people. That exercise would reveal itself to be comparing apples to oranges.

Our goal would be simply to steward the life we have been given, in the body we have been given to live it, for the glory of God. Other people would exist to be blessed by and join us on that journey, not as the benchmark of whether we were making progress on that journey.

The Twin Obstacles to Generosity

by brad on June 6, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“For many of us the great obstacle to charity lies not in our luxurious living or desire for more money, but in our fear—fear of insecurity. This must often be recognized as a temptation. Sometimes our pride also hinders our charity; we are tempted to spend more than we ought on the showy forms of generosity (tipping, hospitality) and less than we ought on those who really need our help (p. 86-7).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

It is easy to think of the obstacle to generosity as the absence of thinking of others. We like to think of it this way because it makes our lack of generosity seem more innocent. We become like the child who knew he was to clean his room or complete his homework and is called on it. We reply, “I forgot,” hoping this will somehow make our neglect seem more neutral.

But absence is a non-entity and, therefore, cannot be an obstacle. By definition an obstacle must be a thing; not a non-thing. Lewis points out that there are two “things” that impede our lack of generosity: fear (namely insecurity) or pride.

The first part of becoming generous is to have the courage (if we are fearful) or humility (if we are prideful) to ask the question, “Which am I?” The same character deficiency which impedes our generosity will also impede our willingness to acknowledge our lack of generosity. This is why honestly asking good questions is vital to the change process.

Usually the lack of generosity rooted in fear does see the needs of others and is concerned about those needs. However, shortly after feeling compelled to be generous, they begin to consider the cost. “If I give [blank] to them, then I would not be able to handle it if something happened to me.”

The insecure person lives in a world where it is assumed that everyone else shares the same insecurity. Generosity is not assumed (believed to be available for their time of need “if” it were to arise) because fear reigns.

The lack of generosity rooted in pride either does not see the need because of its self-centeredness or condemns the needy person for not having prepared like they did. Self-centered blindness obviously prevents generosity. Condemning makes generosity seem like a reward for laziness.

The prideful person lives in a world where it is assumed that everyone else should share the same approach to life they have. Generosity is not assumed (a natural response to the ability and opportunity to help) because they are the standard and they do not practice it.

We see in this reflection that generosity is about more than giving something away. Generosity transforms our experience of community. This is consistent with the book of Acts. The early Christians were generous so / because they were experiencing a new form of community.

Our goal in being generous is not to win more points with God, but to allow the Gospel to penetrate our assumptions about life in a new way. God is not punishing us or taxing us with his call to generosity. Rather, He is continuing the work He began when we first experienced the Gospel – freeing us from ourselves. The bars of that self-bondage may be fear or pride.

A Practical Description of “The Fear of the Lord”

by brad on March 30, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

When you fear something, it is the first thing for which you look. The change is powerful, but often unnoticed, because we don’t see what we don’t see.

If you fear snakes and you are walking in the woods, you could almost walk into a tree because you are so snake-vigilant.

If you are a young boy who fears the rhyme, “Step on a crack and you’ll break your mama’s back,” then you scan every new room for tiles. A dozen people may be knocked down, but mama’s back is safe.

If you have a fear of rejection, then you look for and reinterpret every verbal exchange (and even the absence of exchanges) for possibility of not fitting in. Many compliments are deemed “only polite” in the name of avoiding rejection.

The point is, fear is more than an emotion. Fear changes how we think and what we see. Fear makes some things super-relevant and because of our limited cognitive capacity, forces other things (we’re never sure what) to relative irrelevance.

It is with this perspective that we can better understand how “the fear of the Lord is the beginning or wisdom (Job 28:28; Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 1:7).” When we fear God we will look for Him in all situations and consider His will.

To help you personalize this, make a list of your most prevalent fears. From that list consider how you have organized your life to ease (please) those fears. Do you begin to see how innately fear brings practical change into our lives? We do not have to make plans, seek accountability, or find ways to remind ourselves when fear is involved.

The question becomes, “How do we grow in the fear of the Lord?” The answer begins with, “We must want to.” That may sound odd, but we entertain ourselves with fear all the time – movies, amusement park rides, novels, or the suspense of sporting events. Each of these are major industries of our culture that feed off fear (and its cousin emotions).

Isaiah 11:3 says, “And his delight shall be in the fear of the Lord. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide disputes by what his ears hear.” Notice that the fear of the Lord is said to be a delight. Also, notice that this fear changed what was seen and heard.

The answer continues with, “We must listen to our rival fears.” These fears (by definition) have a strong tendency to push us into folly. The problem is often not that our fears are wrong or misguided, but that we view our fears as more real, powerful, and present than our God. It is not that our fears completely lie; they just neglect the most important Fact in the universe.

The answer continues with, “We must allow our fears to point us back to God.” God is often not nearly so rough on us in our fear as we are on ourselves. The prayer that God gives us to pray is, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you (Psalm 56:3).” While fear does reveal a diminished view of God, God is more concerned (even elated) with the return of His children than He is offended by their departure (Luke 15:11-32).

The answer concludes with, “We must express our renewed view of God in practical faith.” This is where we often fear not being creative enough to figure out what to do. But this is also where our introduction provides great relief. When fear is present, the corresponding life changes are natural.

Once you have taken the journey of the first three steps, then you can trust this final step will be clear (although clear should not be mistaken for easy). This assurance can be particularly strong when you take this journey with mature Christian friends that you involve in the process.

Remember, you serve a God who delights in making Himself known; not playing hard to get.

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