All posts tagged Grief

Step Nine: STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“God has shown me great grace; grace greater than my grief. I am learning what it means to live out of my new identity in Christ. That has pushed me to ask the question, ‘How can I be a conduit of God’s grace to others?’ As I have sought God, examined my life, and consulted with fellow believers, I believe this [describe] is what it looks like for me to steward God’s grace now.”

Memorize: I Peter 4:19 (ESV), “Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “Those who suffer” – This passage will apply to every person many times in the course of their life.
• “God’s will” – Hopefully, at this stage in your journey you can read this without hearing it as God’s punishment.
• “Entrust their souls” – Life is a choice between entrusting our souls to God or seeking to protect ourselves.
• “To a faithful Creator” – If you made it to this point in the study, you have many evidences of God’s faithfulness.
• “While doing good” – Without a returning sense of mission, suffering would drain our vitality for engaging life.

 Teaching Notes

“My sorrow now feels less an oppressive weight, more a treasured possession. I can take it out and ponder it, then put it safely and carefully away (p. 79).” Testimony of an anonymous woman in Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright.

“After a close partnership and marriage of twenty-seven years, learning to walk alone again was no easy task… It took me many years to learn that no man on this earth can satisfy the deepest longings of a woman’s heart. Only One can do that. He is also the only one who can help me live with that deep hole, that deep pain in my heart… The pain is still there. He hasn’t filled it up yet, but he has made a bridge over it. I can live with it now and I can stand on this bridge and reach out to others (p. 43-45).” Ingrid Trobisch in “Let the Deep Pain Hurt” Partnership

“There is no doubt in my mind that God is right now equipping you for future opportunities when others are afflicted in this way! We are all ‘comforters-in-training’ (p. 64).” Paul Tautges in Comfort Those Who Grieve.

“Suffering reduces us to nothing and as Soren Kierkegaard noted, ‘God creates everything out of nothing. And everything which God is to use, he first reduces to nothing.’ To be reduced to nothing is to be dragged to the foot of the cross (p. 136)… To believe in God in the midst of suffering is to empty myself; and to empty myself is to increase the capacity…for God. The greatest good suffering can do for me is to increase my capacity for God (p. 137).” Joni Eareckson Tada & Steven Estes in When God Weeps.

Step Eight: PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“Some of my grief related to my loss remains [describe] but it defines me less and less. But I am also experiencing more of what God has for me. I never knew life could include [list of experiences] again. I see now that God was not withholding these things from me, nor did I forfeit them. I am learning to enjoy them without the guilt, fear, or guardedness. I have come to realize that ‘healthy’ means more than the absence of grief. I am learning to trust and enjoy God in the rise and fall of my circumstances.”

Memorize: 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 (ESV), “Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “Now” – This verse applies to each moment you call “now.” There is no need to fear God’s comfort will expire.
• “Who loved us” – Responding to God’s love is the fuel for perseverance and why Satan causes us to question it.
• “Eternal comfort… comfort” – God understands that even eternal comforts needs to be applied repeatedly.
• “Good hope” – During this step we become convinced again that our hope is more than wishful thinking.
• “Work and word” – As you enter this stage of grief, there should be a renewed balance in serving for others and being cared for by them.

 Teaching Notes

“Sometimes grief is so powerful that it feels like you died too… But, remember, though you are surrounded by death, you still live. Your soul needs to be fed. Your heart needs to be encouraged. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Don’t let go of the good habits of faith that shaped and strengthened your relationship with Christ before your loss (p. 13).” Paul Tripp in Grief: Finding Hope Again

“But this is tantamount to arguing that God is like the husband who gives his wife a new toaster for their anniversary when she was expecting a romantic trip for two to a bed and breakfast. No matter how much she may need a toaster, she is unlikely to see it as a deep expression of her husband’s love… God had offered me genuine comfort in good faith, but I had failed to appreciate them as such. If this is true, then God’s comfort is not relative, but absolute, with discrete characteristics which we can learn to recognize (p. 23).” Joseph Lehmann in “Believing in Hope” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Winter 1998).

“Suffering is always an opportunity to focus on the only treasure that will last forever and never disappoint you or fade away (p. 8).” Winston Smith in Divorce Recovery: Growing and Healing God’s Way

“By praising I can still, in some degree, enjoy her, and already, in some degree, enjoy Him (p. 71-2).” C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed

“You are secure not because you have control or understanding. You are secure even though you are weak, imperfect, and shortsighted. You are secure for one reason and one reason alone: God exists and he is your Father (p. 31)… The temptation, in times of waiting, is to focus on the things we are waiting for, all the obstacles that are in the way, our inability to make it happen, and all of the other people who haven’t seemed to have had to wait… All of this increases our feeling of helplessness, our tendency to think our situation is hopeless, and our judgment that waiting is futile (p. 48).” Paul Tripp in A Shelter in the Time of Storm.

Step Seven: IDENTIFY GOALS that allow me to combat the impact of my suffering.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I can now see that innocence and powerlessness are not the same thing. I used to think ‘it was not my fault;’ was the same as ‘there is nothing I can do about it.’ My old suffering story came with a way of life that I lived. The new story, identity, and beliefs that come with the Gospel allow me to actively live differently without giving into the old false shame or regret. I can change [describe how] without a sense of condemnation [describe why].”

For the “Healthy Ways to Capture Memories” document  click here:
Grief Seminar — Appendix D

Memorize: Lamentations 3:20-24 (ESV), “My soul remembers it and is bowed down within me. But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “My soul remembers” – It is normal to remember. To expect to live as if nothing happened would be non-human.
• “Bowed down” – With the memory of a loss, sadness will accompany it even when grieving is healthy and clean.
• “I call to mind” – Even Jeremiah had to remind himself of aspects of God’s character he was tempted to doubt.
• “New every morning” – This “calling to mind” was something that Jeremiah had to do regularly, even daily.
• “Your faithfulness” – This is the first time in the passage Jeremiah directly addressed God (“you”). As he engaged the false interpretations of his suffering, Jeremiah was able to regain his more personal connection with God.

 Teaching Notes

“It is something altogether different to say His grace is sufficient for today when tomorrow holds no hope of any significant change (p. 21).” Joseph Lehmann in “Believing in Hope” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Winter 1998).

“One of the things you can do is to demonstrate how to be sad and to hope and trust at the same time (p. 29).” Judy Blore in “How to Help a Grieving Child” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Winter 1998).

“Times of deprivation, ill health, and even war don’t preclude the need for pleasure; on the contrary, such seasons accentuate the need to find and perhaps rediscover the simplest pleasures of all (p. 184).” Gary Thomas in Pure Pleasure

“The griever encounters four often difficult and time-consuming tasks: to accept the reality of the loss, to feel and consciously admit the pain of the loss (this includes untangling oneself from the ties that bind one to the deceased), to adjust to an environment in which the deceased person is missing, and to form new relationships. The last stage seems to be the most difficult because people feel both guilty and insecure about reinvesting their energies in new relationships (p. 347).” Gary Collins in Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide

“Grievers seek comfort. But where do they find it? The Bible reminds us that all true comfort has its source in the Lord (2 Cor. 1:3-4). In grief, we often seek our other comforts: memories, material things, distractions (TV, CD player, exercise, reading, crafts, work, food, people). They all provide some measure of comfort but none can fill the one place where grief causes us to feel so empty – our hearts (p. 9)… When you grieve, you are vulnerable to temptations you would normally resist. The enemy of your soul attacks in your weakest moments (p. 10).” “Paul Tripp in Grief: Finding Hope Again

Step Six: LEARN MY GOSPEL STORY by which God gives meaning to my experience.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I have already told you how my loss shaped my life [review step 4]. Letting go of that story, identity, and set of beliefs left me with only God. It was good to begin rebuilding my life from that solid foundation. Now I am beginning to understand my life with God and the Gospel at the center  [examples from previous list reinterpreted].”

Memorize: John 11:23-26 (ESV), “Jesus said to her, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ Martha said to him, ‘I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life, Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?’ She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “I know…last day” – What Martha believed about Jesus seemed very far off from where she was at the moment.
• “I am” – What Jesus offered Martha was Himself. There was no answer to give meaning to suffering outside Him.
• “Do you believe this?” – Our suffering story begins to be reinterpreted as we understand Jesus more fully.
• “I believe” – Martha was not resistant to believing, however her experience of grief continued… but with hope.
• “Who is coming” – Even in Jesus’ first coming his solution for grief was only “made sure” while not yet fulfilled.

 Teaching Notes

“In so far as this record was a defense against total collapse, a safety valve, it has done some good… I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow.  Sorrow however, turns out to be not a state but a process.  It needs not a map but a history (p. 68-9).” C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed

“Every time someone dies, it reminds those watching that God’s work is not yet complete. Because of sin, death entered the world. Only when sin is completely defeated will death cease to be part of the equation… As you weep, know this: the One who weeps with you is not content for things to stay as they are. His death was a cry and his resurrection a promise. The living Christ will continue to exert his power and you will grieve no more (p. 6).” Paul Tripp in Grief: Finding Hope Again

“Death is, in fact, what some modern people call ‘ambivalent.’ It is Satan’s great weapon and also God’s great weapon: it is holy and unholy; our supreme disgrace and our only hope; the thing Christ came to conquer and the means by which He conquered (p. 125).” C.S. Lewis in Miracles.

“That is what I love about the Psalms. They put difficultly and hope together in the tension of hardship and grace that is the life of everyone this side of eternity. It is not hard to recognize the environment of the Psalms. The Psalms live in your city, on your street, in your family. The Psalms tell your story. It is a story of hope and disappointment, of need and provision, of fear and mystery, of struggle and rest, and of God’s boundless love and amazing grace (p. 7).” Paul Tripp in A Shelter in the Time of Storm.

“Why doesn’t God tell us more about heaven? The children in the workshop concluded, ‘It’s a surprise!’ We then talked about the surprise party He is preparing for all who love Him. Jason got his invitation earlier than the rest of us. But we are invited as long as we have Jesus in our hearts. He will let us know when it is our turn to come to the party (p. 30).” Judy Blore in “How to Help a Grieving Child” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Winter 1998).

Step Five: MOURN the wrongness of what happened and receive God’s comfort.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I am willing to agree with God emotionally about my loss. I can see that God does not just want me to ‘get over this’ but to ‘love me through my loss.’ [describe difference] I will accept that ‘blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matt 5:4)’ as expressed by God’s loving me personally through this group. Mourning my suffering with God and this group has changed me [describe].”

Memorize: Ecclesiastes 7:2-4 (ESV), “It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting for this is the end of all mankind and the living will lay it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “Better” – Mourning is better because it fits the occasion (Eccl. 3:1-8) and honors the good gift from God you lost.
• “Feasting… laughter” – This passage does not condemn feasting and laughing (Eccl. 7:14).
• “House of mourning” – Mourning always hits “home” because it is always linked to things that we love.
• “The end… lay it to heart” – Mourning is a time we remember that we were not ultimately made for this world.
• “By sadness… made glad” – The sadness of grief is not minimized, but is seen as the pathway to honest, lasting joy.

 Teaching Notes

“Death is the enemy of everything good and beautiful about life. Death should make you morally sad and righteously angry… It is biblical to treat death as the sad, unnatural thing it actually is (p. 4)… In times of death, Christians should be sadder than anyone else. We know how sin brought death into the world. We mourn not only for the loved one we have lost, but also for the fact that death continues to destroy… God doesn’t call you to stifle your grief when you are crushed. He doesn’t expect you to hide behind religious clichés and theological platitudes. God approves your tears (p. 8)!” Paul Tripp in Grief: Finding Hope Again

“[Referencing John 11:35] If you knew you were about to turn everything around, would you be drawn down into grief, entering into the trauma and pain of their hearts? Why would Jesus do that? Because he is perfect. He is perfect love. He will not close his heart even for ten minutes (p. 4).” Tim Keller in “Truth, Tears, Anger, and Grace” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Fall 2001).

“We all need to learn to say goodbye, acknowledge the pain that is there for us so we can eventually move on to another hello. When we learn to say goodbye we truly learn how to say to ourselves and to others: Go. God be with you. I entrust you to God. The God of strength, courage, comfort, hope, love is with you. The God who promises to wipe away all tears will hold you close and will fill your emptiness. Let go and be free to move on. Do not keep yourself from another step in your homeward journey. May the blessing of our God be with you (p. 7-8).” Joyce Rupp in Praying Our Goodbyes.

“And so it is in our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God’s character and reach a new understanding of Him that we could not have known without loss. He is acquainted with grief. He understands. He’s not trying to rush us through our sadness. He’s sad with us (p. 51).” Nancy Guthrie in Holding on to Hope.

Step Four: LEARN MY SUFFERING STORY which I use to make sense of my experience.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I formed beliefs [define] about myself, life, and God from my grief. I lived out of those beliefs [describe] because they were all I knew and they ‘worked.’ Those beliefs became the guiding themes of my life story. Putting those beliefs into words scares me [describe why]. I reject that life story and am committed to learning how my life fits into God’s great story of redemption.”

Memorize: Psalm 22:1-2 (ESV), “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• Matthew 27:46 – These words also entered Jesus’ story. They are one of the common themes of a fallen world.
• “Forsaken me” – Grief makes it feel like God has turned His back on us.
• “So far” – More than back turned, grief makes it feel like God is walking away from us.
• “Do not answer” – When God does not end the pain of grief it is easy to believe He is not hearing our prayers.
• “No rest” – In the storm of grief it easy to think God is a liar for not keeping His promise (Matt. 11:28-30).

 Teaching Notes

“As we struggle with the ache of loss, the grip of our grief imposes a kind of relational paralysis. Perhaps grief is a true reflection of hell, where the ache of losing God and all good, including the good of community, will be endless. Be that as it may, a most painful part of the pain of grief is the sense that no one, however, sympathetic and supportive in intention, can share what we are feeling, and it would be a betrayal of our love for the lost one to pretend otherwise. So we grieve alone, and the agony is unbelievable (p. 144).” J.I. Packer in A Grief Sanctified

“Meanwhile, where is God?… You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become…Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?… I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted… The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can’t give it: you are like a drowning man who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear… After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can’t give (p. 53-54).” C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed

“Numerically, there are more psalms of complaint and lament than psalms of praise and thanksgiving… A mood of faith trusts God enough to bring everything about us to Him (p. 33).” Bob Kellemen in God’s Healing for Life’s Losses.

“It is an act of faith to bring that complaint to him in the pattern of these psalms. Your faith in God should never silence you in the dark hours of grief. Rather, this is when we begin to understand how deep, rich, and sturdy God’s love for us really is (p. 9).” Paul Tripp in Grief: Finding Hope Again

“You are not exactly who you were. The person you lost was part of your identity.  You were someone’s mother or aunt or spouse or brother. You continue to be that person in your heart and memory, but there’s a vacant place where your loved one stood (p. 22).” H. Norman Wright in Experiencing Grief

Step Three: UNDERSTAND the impact of my suffering.

Below is a video from the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I used to fear my grief and would not look at it, so I expected myself to live as if my loss never happened [describe]. I can see how my loss has affected me [describe]. It was wrong to interpret the impact of suffering as sin or weakness. God is more gracious than that and I must agree with Him and not my fears. The impact is starting to make sense and help me see life differently [describe].”

Memorize: Psalm 102:2-7 (ESV), “Do not hide your face from me in the day of my distress! Incline your ear to me; answer me speedily in the day when I call! For my days pass away like smoke, and my bones burn like a furnace. My heart is struck down like grass and has withered; I forget to eat my bread. Because of my loud groaning my bones cling to my flesh. I am like a desert owl of the wilderness, like an owl of the waste places; I lie awake; I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• Psalm – God gave you these words to speak to Him. He knew you would need them and wants to care for you.
• “Do not hide” – Suffering makes God feel far away and like he doesn’t care. The psalmist felt it too.
• “My heart is struck down” – Grieving well does not mean we are unmoved throughout the experience.
• “I am… I am…” – Grief is more than an emotional struggle. It is an identity crisis. Who am I now?
• “I lie awake” – Night time was hard for the psalmist too. God heard him in the dark and he hears you too.

 Teaching Notes

“It’s not just the loss of your loved one that is so painful. It’s all the other losses that occur because of this one. The way you live your life, love, sleep, eat, work, and worship are all affected. Often the death of your loved one brings up not just grief for what you lost but also for what you never had or never will have. There is a loss of the present as well as the future (p. 24).” H. Norman Wright in Experiencing Grief.

“I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had [my wife] for their object. Now their target is gone… So many roads lead thought to [my wife]. I set out on one of them. But now there’s an impassible frontier-post across it. So many roads once; now so many culs de sac (p. 55).” C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed

“The death of a child is likely the most tragic of griefs as it appears so unnatural to the life cycle. The impact of a child’s long-term illness and death has profound impact on the marital relationship. Studies found that in cases where the children were hospitalized, 70 to 90% of those marriages resulted in separation or divorce (p. 370).” Sharon Hart May in “Loss and Grief Work” in Caring for People God’s Way edited by Tim Clinton, Archibald Hart, and George Ohlschlager.

“A child will also revisit the event of death and the ensuing grief as she matures. At each stage of emotional and cognitive development, she understands the universe with more maturity. As she does so, she will also seek to understand this important event better. This means that two things are true about helping a grieving child. First, the task is never finished until the child reaches adulthood. Second, everything you say now is a building block for a more mature understanding later (p. 27).” Judy Blore in “How to Help a Grieving Child” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Winter 1998).