All posts tagged Gospel

VLOG: How Do I Grieve the Loss of an Unsaved Loved One?

by brad on April 3, 2013 in Church Resource with 3 Comments

Question: I am not a Christian, but I am wrestling with the claims of the gospel. At the same time, I recently lost a loved one who made it known they were not a Christian. I realize that if I accept the gospel  am accepting the condemnation of my loved one. It is hard to see the gospel  as “good news” in light of that. What would you say to me?

Resources: Here are several resources that can be useful in preparing for of following up with the conversation discussed in this VLOG post

  • Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope a video-based seminar that walks through the process of grief in light of the gospel.
  • Parenting Tips and Family Devotions on Grief (Parenting Tips & Family Devotions) a supplement to the “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope” seminar designed to help parents have important, age-appropriate conversations with their children.
  • GriefShare a ministry with groups that meet across the country to ensure that you do not have to face the difficult process of grief alone.

To review the other questions addressed in this VLOG series click here.

Note: The VLOG (video-blog) Q&A is a regular series on my blog. If you would like to submit a question, it can be e-mail to Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com; admin over counseling at The Summit Church). Please limit your questions to 3-7 sentences. This is not a forum for to request or receive counseling. No responses will be sent to questions other those selected for a video response.

C.S. Lewis on the Gospel Paradox

by brad on February 25, 2013 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“There is a paradox. As long as Dick does not turn to God, he thinks his niceness is his own, and just as long as he thinks that, it is not his own. It is when Dick realizes that his niceness is not his own but a gift from God, and when he offers it back to God – it is just then that it begins to be really his own… The only things we can keep are the things we freely give to God. What we try to keep for ourselves is just what we are sure to lose (p. 213).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

lewisPick your greatest strength or personal asset: being nice (as Lewis refers to), intelligence, work ethic, organization, charisma, music ability, athleticism, etc… Place that thing in Lewis’ quote above in order to feel the appropriate sense of discomfort.

Chances are your response is like mine – that is mine (possession) or that is who I am (identity). Lewis says as soon as I think that way I’m wrong – I’ve lost what was given to me by God. How does that work?

What it can’t mean is that the attribute evaporates as soon as I take credit for it. Hard working people don’t cease to be hard working people because they take pride in being better than people who don’t work as hard. If anything, their pride leads them to work harder to maintain their identity.

Two things happen which make their strength “less their own.”

First, they lose the “credit” for their strength before God. When a personal characteristic becomes corrupted by pride no longer does God look upon that “strength” with favor. God does not love us like an employer loves an employee, but like a father loves a son.

An employer looks at the productivity to determine his/her opinion of an employee. The more an employee advances that company or increases the profit margin the more pleased the employer is. It doesn’t matter to an employer if the employee is motivated by fear, pride, greed, or benevolence.

A good father looks at what is best for the son/daughter and determines whether something is good on the basis of their overall well-being. A child can be excelling in a way that is exhausting or compromising his/her character and “winning” will not be seen as good.

That is why when we fail to offer our strengths (and for that matter our weaknesses) to God, He does not count that strengths as “credits” to our account. God sees the pride or false identity in our life and is right to warn of impending danger. That leads to the second thing that happens.

Second, their strength mutates from a blessing to a master – they belong to their strength instead of their strength belonging to them. When we fail to recognize our strength as coming from God, we begin to rely upon our strength for more than it can give.

Either we pridefully believe our strength is what makes us “good” and we judge those who are not good (by the standard of our strength), or we fearfully live with thoughts that we will not be able to continually live up to previous levels of “good.” Either way, we begin to belong to our strength instead of our strength belonging to us.

What is the alternative? It is giving our strength to God in recognition that it came from Him and receiving Christ’s righteousness through the forgiveness of our sins as what makes us “good enough.” When this happens our natural strengths can be restored and used for the purpose God originally gave them to us. They are ours because we are His.

To see the first 100 posts in this series click here.

Romantic Conflict: An Introduction to a Gospel-Centered Marriage

by brad on February 15, 2013 in Church Resource with 1 Comment

The following message was given at The Summit Church on February 9-10, 2013. It examines the implications of  Jesus’ call to discipleship in Luke 9:23-24 for marital conflict and romance.

For the podcast or transcript of this sermon click here.

This sermon represents the core concepts that are developed further in the  “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” seminar series that is comprised of:

What Is “Emotional Maturity”?

by brad on January 25, 2013 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

What does it mean to be “emotionally mature”? To some it would mean being stoic – having mastery of your emotions so that you felt only what you wanted to when you wanted to feel it. To others it would be sentimentality – feeling all there is to be felt in any moment to its fullest extent.

Here I will propose another definition (but not “the” definition). Emotional maturity is (a) the ability to differentiate and properly identify one’s emotions while (b) granting yourself the freedom to experience whatever emotion is appropriate to a given situation.

That is difficult, because the physiological, cognitive, and neurological experiences of various emotions are not that different (see previous post). Differentiating emotions (as we will see) can be much more like parsing the 47 shades of green at the paint store than one would think.

Let’s take a very common case study – an individual in his/her early twenty’s engaged to be married and transitioning from student to adult life deciding upon a career while in a job better suited for student life. What emotions would be common in this experience? I’ll pick three: anxiety, dread, and insecurity.

  • Anxiety – How many areas can this person ask, “Am I making the right decision?”
  • Dread – How hard is it to be that excited about the future and content in the present?
  • Insecurity – Who wouldn’t be asking, “Am I ‘good enough’ for the marriage/roles I’m wanting?”

What do all three of these emotions have in common?

  • Neurologically, there is a high degree of overlap in the neurotransmitters involved.
  • Physiologically, the bodily reactions of these emotions are highly similar.
  • Cognitively, for all three thoughts race while predicted outcomes get larger and increasingly negative.

So what happens for the emotionally immature person (not meant as a derogatory description)? Usually they pick one emotion as their problem. That becomes the focal point of their thinking and three smaller emotional struggles become one large, insurmountable struggle.

If the person views them self as an “anxious person,” then all of their dread and insecurity are labeled anxiety. This does two things. First, it makes the strategies for dealing with anxiety (even biblical ones) two-thirds ineffective (assuming equal parts anxiety, dread, and insecurity). Second, it creates a gravity where every unpleasant emotional experience adds to the overwhelming sense of anxiety.

So what must an effective biblical counselor or one-another disciple-maker be able to do in a situation like this?

First, they need to be able to help their friend separate their emotional experiences. Often we are better at this with our theological categories than we are in our interpersonal and intrapersonal categories. As an example, a biblical counselor should be as attune to the various aspects of emotional experience as Mark Driscoll is to various aspects of the gospel in his book Death by Love (where he makes pastoral application of distinct features of the gospel like: redemption, gift righteousness, justification, propitiation, expiation, atonement, ransom, and reconciliation.

Second, (which too often is where I fear we begin) we need to be able to provide good-biblical-practical guidance to the individual’s struggle. In the case study above, unless dread and insecurity are separated from anxiety, then good counsel based on a sloppy assessment will produce limited results. However, once the individual sees him/herself accurately, then (if they are a Christian) their biblical existing instincts are likely to begin to implement their existing biblical wisdom as their sense of being overwhelmed dissipates.

Four Video Projects from 2012

by brad on December 28, 2012 in Church Resource with 1 Comment

One of the blessings of serving at a large church that allows me to focus my attention on developing a robust counseling ministry is the opportunity to create resources that can be duplicated in our church plants and churches across the country/world.

This year we were able to create three programmatic seminars and capture our counseling vision in video format.

The Summit Counseling Vision

This one hour presentation overviews (1) the challenges and opportunities facing The Summit counseling ministry; (2) the pieces of the summit counseling ministry and how they work together; and (3) explains the implications of our counseling model for individual counseling ministries.

False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery

“False Love” contains three hours of presentation divided into a nine step model of overcoming sexual sin. Sexual sin is examined from private lust to adultery in marriage. This seminar is most effective when studies with a friend our small group.

True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin

“True Betrayal” contains three hours of presentation divided into a nine step model of responding to the suffering created by a spouse’s sexual sin. Practical guidance is provided for this difficult and often isolating journey. This seminar is most effective when studies with a friend our small group.

Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations

Why is marriage hard? Why do so many marriages that begin in sincere love end in divorce? What are the essential things a couple should focus on to have a marriage that flourishes? What is a covenant and why is marriage a covenant? Why do we have a marriage ceremony? What are the roles for a Christian husband and wife? What if I don’t “fit” or like the masculine-feminine stereotypes or don’t have the personality to match a “traditional” husband/wife?

In the next year I would appreciate your prayers as we aim to complete the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” seminar series by addressing the subjects of communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. Keep your eye out for those resources as they are developed.

Overcoming Anger Video 9

by brad on December 12, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

STEP 9. STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory.

Below is a video from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

 “God has shown me great grace; grace greater than my anger. I am learning what it means to live out of my new identity in Christ. That has pushed me to ask the question, ‘How can I be a conduit of God’s grace to others?’ As I have sought God, examined my life, and consulted with fellow believers, I believe this [describe] is what it looks like for me to steward God’s grace now.”

 

Equip Seminars -Anger Pt9 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.

Memorize: James 3:16-18 (ESV), “For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “Wisdom” – Overcoming anger is more about applied wisdom than emotional control.
  • “First” – Overcoming anger is able to maintain focus on matters of first importance in a “crisis.”
  • “Harvest” – Hopefully you can now begin to look to the future without a sense of dread.
  • “Sown in peace” – Anger sows in the stress of thinking, “Everything depends upon me.”
  • “Those who make peace” – Let the thought of being a “peace-producer” permeate your identity.

 Teaching Notes

To “steward” something means to use it for God’s intended purpose. It is important to remember that what is being stewarded is your life, not the merely the experience of overcoming sinful anger. To think otherwise would be to define yourself by your struggle again.

Anger has prevented you from using particular gifts, talents, or passions for God’s glory. Anger has thwarted your ability to fulfill a life role (i.e, spouse, parent, worker, church member, etc…) the way God intended. As anger dissipates, do not neglect giving yourself fully to those roles in which God has placed you.

Sin is a parasite that lives off of stolen resources (time, energy, love, etc…) that were intended for other purposes. As we rid ourselves of this vile intruder, those resources upon which sin once indulged become available for God’s design and our true enjoyment. Ultimately, stewardship is the pinnacle where purpose, worship, and joy meet.

Unless we are convinced of this truth, we will return to our sin as the “good life” and grow dissatisfied with serving God out of a sense of duty. Stewardship is not how we “pay God back” for our sin, but how we live in the fullness for which we were created.

Overcoming Anger Video 8

by brad on December 7, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

STEP 8. PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me.

Below is a video from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I can see God’s faithfulness over the last [time since beginning this material]. As I have experienced victory, my temptation has changed [describe] and my ability to focus on God in non-crisis times has been stretched [examples]. I have come to realize that ‘healthy’ means more than the absence of sinful anger. God has an entirely different agenda for my life [explain] than what I knew. I am learning to enjoy it and be comfortable in it.”

 

Equip Seminars – Anger Pt8 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.

Memorize: 2 Timothy 2:24-25 (ESV), “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “The Lord’s servant” – Is this becoming the predominant identity clause that orients your life?
  • “Must” – This list of attributes is to define those who call themselves servants of God.
  • “Opponents” – The application point of this verse is primarily those who oppose you.
  • “God may” – These responses are possible when we recognize that only God changes people.
  • “Repentance” – Hopefully you now view this as a good word that would be a blessing to yourself and others.

 Teaching Notes

“True strength in God’s eyes means victory over one’s temper more than one’s enemies (p. 85).” Robert Jones in Uprooting Anger

“The Bible links hope in God with a willingness to wait. To wait is to have confidence that God will bring justice. He will satisfy the depth of our desire, but in his time and not ours (p. 140).” Justin & Lindsey Holcomb in Rid of My Disgrace

“God has designed our relationships to function as both a diagnosis and a cure. When we are frustrated and ready to give up, God is at work, revealing the places where we have given in to a selfish agenda (the diagnosis). He then uses that new awareness to help us grow precisely where we have struggled (the cure) (p. 48-49).” Tim Lane & Paul Tripp in Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

“Mercy is my commitment to live alongside you in this broken world even though I will suffer with you, for you, and because of you (p. 137)… Mercy understands that grace is a better pathway to change than condemnation, but it never compromises what is morally right and true (p. 139).” Tim Lane & Paul Tripp in Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

Overcoming Anger Video 7

by brad on November 29, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

STEP 7. IMPLEMENT the new structure with humility and flexibility.

Below is a video from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“Plans are easier than life. They exist outside my sinful heart and broken world. Trying to live out my plan has taught me more about my self, my sin, and my Savior. As I have had victory, the old expressions of sin have taken new forms. I have had to remember that my plans are merely how I intend to rely on God and not, themselves, my deliverer. Here are the unexpected challenges I faced [list], how I failed [list], where I succeeded [list], what I learned [list], and how God was faithful [list]. I now see that [list] is really the most important part of my plan.”

Equip Seminars – Anger Pt7 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.

The PDF implementation evaluation tool from chapter 7 — Plan Eval Form

Memorize: Luke 6:27-31 (ESV), “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To the one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “You who hear” – These are hard words and difficult teachings. Will you hear them or return to anger?
  • “Love your enemies” – Through the lens of anger, everyone becomes an enemy. Will you love?
  • “Curse… strike… take” – Godly anger will always be expressed in the context of real evil.
  • “Give” – Godly anger will cost you. You probably began this study for your relief. Will you continue?
  • “As you wish… do so” – Again we see that the skill level expression of overcoming anger is not complex.

 Teaching Notes

“Patience is the evidence of an inner strength. Impatient people are weak, and therefore dependant on external supports—like schedules that go just right and circumstances that support their fragile hearts (p. 173).” John Piper in Future Grace

“Self-control is the ability to consistently make wise decisions and fulfill responsibilities on the basis of God’s Word rather than on the basis of one’s feelings (p. 51).” Lou Priolo in Getting a Grip

“Godly anger does not need to ‘win…’ Its purposes are more modest on the surface, but more extravagant under the surface: the glory of God and the eternal well-being of God’s people (p. 53).” David Powlison in “Understanding Anger: Part 1” in JBC (Fall 1995).

“Here [on earth] walked the Lord of glory with His own creatures. Every human being that Jesus met owed Him life and utter loyalty. He is YHWH, to whom temple sacrifices were offered in repentance and gratitude. Yet most of these people ignored Jesus, misunderstood Him, tried to use Him, reviled Him, plotted against Him (p. 38)… Jesus dealt gently with the ignorant and misguided, even when He suffered at their hands (p. 39).” David Powlison in “Getting to the Heart of Conflict: Anger, Part 3” in JBC (Fall 1997).

Jesus Says Christianity is Hard and Easy

by brad on November 19, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“You have noticed, I expect, that Christ Himself sometimes describes the Christian way as very hard, sometimes as very easy. He says, ‘Take up your Cross’ – in other words, it is like going to be beaten to death in a concentration camp. Next minute he says, ‘My yoke is easy and my burden light.’ He means both. And one can just see why both are true (p. 197).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Jesus isn’t Bipolar, but Christianity is not one-dimensional. Christianity is both dying to self and finding life. Embracing the gospel will give you the desires of your heart, but only after it has shaped the desires of your heart so that fulfilling them would be a blessing instead of a veiled curse.

There are two questions that arise from this tension in Jesus’ teaching; one easy, the other hard.

  1. Which of these aspects should we emphasize in our personal study and public teaching?
  2. When do we emphasize each of these aspects in our personal study and public teaching?

The answer to the first question is simply, “Yes.” When there is tension in how Scripture addresses a subject, we are not free to pick the side we like best. Is God sovereign or do people have free will? Scripture teaches both and we have a hard time with the tension. Both are true and we much live with the tension.

Similarly in this question, Scripture sometimes presents the Christian life as hard and other times as easy. We must live with the tension. But this brings us to the second question. There will not be a simple answer to this question, so I will provide a list of possible options.

Admittedly, I don’t agree with all the options I give. My purpose in brainstorming was not to answer the question, but merely to “advance the question.” I suggest you critique the strengths and weakness of each of the possibilities below. As you do, I believe you will become much more effective at counseling yourself and others with both halves of the gospel.

For clarity, the term “imperative” refers to the commands of Scripture we are to obey (generally considered to be hard to obey because of our sin nature). The term “indicative” refers to those aspects ofs the gospel which are true about us because of what Christ did on our behalf (generally considered to be easy because we only have to receive or accept them as true).

  1. Imperatives are for sin, and indicatives are for suffering.
  2. Imperatives are for closed-handed sin, and indicatives are for open-handed sin.
  3. Imperatives are for put-offs and put-ons, and indicatives are for thinking change.
  4. Imperatives are for the idle or unruly, and indicatives are for the discouraged and weak.
  5. Imperatives are for licentious people, and indicatives are for legalists.
  6. Imperatives are for the proud, and indicatives are for the humble.
  7. Imperatives are for the immature, and indicatives are for the mature.
  8. Imperatives are for active sins, and indicatives are for dispositional sins.
  9. Imperatives are for the indicative-minded, and indicatives are for the imperative-minded.
  10. Imperatives are for urgent situations, and indicatives are for when there is the luxury of time.
  11. Imperatives are for public ministry, and indicatives are for private ministry.
  12. Imperatives are for instructional communication, and indicatives are for emotional communication.
  13. Imperatives are for cognitive change, and indicatives for spiritual change.
  14. Imperatives are for when we serve, and indicatives for when we are being served.

 

Overcoming Anger Video 6

by brad on November 15, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

STEP 6. RESTRUCTURE MY LIFE to rely on God’s grace and Word to transform my life.

Below is a video from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar of The Summit Church (Durham, NC). For the various counseling options available from this material visit www.summitrdu.com/counseling.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

“I have learned a great deal about my self [list with examples], my sin [list examples], and my Savior [list with examples]. Because of these truths I want and need to make the following changes [list]. My temptation is to see these things as ‘what I do’ rather than merely cooperating with and celebrating God’s grace in my life.”

 

Equip Seminars – Anger Pt6 from The Summit Church on Vimeo.

The PDF life restructuring tool from chapter 6 — Life Restructuring Plan

Memorize: Ephesians 4:29-32 (ESV), “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “No corrupting talk” – Your standard of speech is that your words should never tear others down.
  • “Only… building up” – Your words should strive to cooperate with God’s activity in the life of others.
  • “Grieve the Holy Spirit” – As a Christian your words always serve as an ambassador for God.
  • “Put away” – The goal is not to merely tame the tongue but remove these traits from your life.
  • “Forgave you” –You undertake this effort as a forgiven, redeemed, and indwelt child of God.

 Teaching Notes

“It would be impossible for a moral being to stand in the presence of perceived wrong indifferent and unmoved (p. 107).” B.B. Warfield in “The Emotional Life of Our Lord” from The Person and Work of Christ.

“The wise and foolish are distinguishable by how they get angry (p. 43)… Jesus did not live a calm life; He cared too much (p. 48).” David Powlison in “Understanding Anger: Part 1” in JBC (Fall 1995).

“Changes in location, situation, education, training, exercise, or the nature of the relationship will not solve the problem. The tongue is humanly untameable! It is a powerful, restless evil that leaves all of us confounded (p. 37).” Paul Tripp in War of Words

“Anger must be directed toward destroying the problem, not toward destroying the person.” Jay Adams in What Do You Do When Anger Gets the Upper Hand? (brochure)

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