All posts tagged Family

Teaching Healthy Family Communication

by brad on November 11, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
– Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Most Christian parents have considered these verses.  The application can too often be reduced to, “We should talk about God and the Bible a lot.”  This is true, but if left there can result either in multiple prolonged monologues or guilt for not knowing what to say.  A second common application is that, “We should decorate our homes with biblical stuff.”  This too is true, but if left there our homes can become a VBS crafts museum.

This post seeks to give one example of how to apply the two principles discussed above.  There are many other applications that could be made and I encourage families to be creative.

CRAFT:  Get three bowls and place them on the kitchen table.  Fill the first bowl with pieces of an old towel cut into small pieces and tied with a ribbon.  Fill the second bowl with small plastic hearts or pictures of hearts printed on the computer.  Fill the third bowl with small plastic shields or pictures of a shield printed on the computer.

TOWEL:  The towels represent service.  The towel is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family voluntarily serves someone else.  Use your concordance to find verses on service. Print these verses and tie them to the small pieces of towel.

SHIELD: The shield represents a lack of defensiveness.  In difficult communication we are faced with the choice to protect others or defend ourselves.  The shield is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family resists a natural opportunity to be defensive or deceitful.  Use your concordance to find verses on other mindedness, confession, honesty, integrity, and vulnerability. Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the shields.

HEART:  The heart represents tender, active listening.  Whenever someone wants to show love to another member of the family by listening they should ask, “May I hold your heart?”  While they listen they should hold the heart with an open hand.  Once they have been able to accurately summarize what they have heard, they then return the heart and say, “Thank you for sharing your heart with me.”  Use your concordance to find words on love, listening, and compassion.  Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the hearts.

By placing these bowls on the dinner table, the family will frequently remind themselves of these important foundations of healthy communication: service, lack of defensiveness, and sincere listening.  By placing Scripture with each item, there is the opportunity to highlight the Bible being lived out in the family’s life—this allows the blessing of Godly communication to be captured “in the moment.”

Young children will enjoy being able to collect the various tokens.  Parents should take the opportunity to model the principles of each token before their children in role play.  Parents should also role play conversations with each of the children.  After role playing tokens should be passed parent-parent, parent-child, child-parent, and child-child.  The goal is to give the family “eyes to see” good communication—too often we only pay attention to the negative.  Also, after discipline in which one of these principles was violated, the parent should discuss how the towel, shield, or heart would have made things different.

As you use this tool, you will get to know the strengths and weaknesses of each family member.  Some will have many towels and another will have lots of hearts.  This is a great opportunity to celebrate the strengths of each family member.  It is also an opportunity to discuss having a balanced character.

If this tool proves to be an effective way to disciple your family, you can use it with other virtues.  First, identify the virtue that needs extra attention in your family.  Second, select a positively conotated object to represent that virtue.  Third, research Scripture passages that speak about that virtue.  Fourth, explain to the family the new object and role play its enactment.

I would not advise using an incentive system for this tool (i.e., ice cream for the first person with five shields).  The reward for this tool is the peace, affection, and unity it brings.  This is not a race or competition. If it has to be “enforced,” then you are dealing with a matter of discipline not instruction.  This tool is merely a tool of instruction (hopefully with a cute motivational twist).

The goal for this exercise is to bring Scripture application to life and create a positive context for seeking Christ-like character and expressions of love within the family.  If it allows for enjoyable and creative discussions of biblical principles that tend to be abstract, then it has achieved its purpose.

Michelle Bachmann and Submission

by brad on August 15, 2011 in Uncategorized with No comments

This is not a political blog. It is neither for nor against any party or candidate. But in the midst of the recent Republican debate a question was raised of Michelle Bachmann about how her beliefs in the biblical teaching on wives submitting to their own husbands (Eph. 5:22) would affect her service to our country if she were elected president.

I believe this is a unique context in which evangelicals can define our beliefs on this issue. Most often we are the one’s initiating this topic of conversation or defending against an attack. In this context, however, we have the opportunity to join an existing cultural conversation.

I do not pretend that what I have to say will represent all evangelicalism on this subject. But I do hope that these reflections can be a constructive part of the conversation. While I will discuss two areas in which I disagree with the Bachmann family and one where I would articulate their point differently, I do not intend for this post to question the genuineness of their faith.

I fully recognize that I am limited to responding to a sound bite (which may not accurately represent the Bachmann family), but since that is what is in the cultural dialogue, I believe it is appropriate to do so provided one speaks with humility and about the issue rather than against the person.

I merely think this is an important time for evangelicals to enter the cultural dialogue in a positive, edifying way. I greatly appreciate the fact that the Bachmann family is willing to express their beliefs and invite our country to a discussion of marriage where the husband and wife love one another and seek to honor each other. I believe that alone is a significant, positive change in most conversations we have about marriage and family in the political realm.

Disagree About Career Choice

I would disagree with the application of submission that Michelle Bachmann made about submission to her husband and the choice to study tax law in her 2006 statement. In my opinion this over extends the jurisdiction of submission. Choosing the field of work for one’s wife is not what it means for a husband to lead his family.

My wife has been a full time teacher, full time mother, part time financial coach, and considered taking up refinishing antique furniture. The only role that submission has played in those decisions is in determining whether our family was in a position whether those transitions were wise and feasible for our family given our season of life and financial status at that time.

Our initial conversations were about the priorities by which we wanted to guide our family and those things my wife would find most fulfilling. With agreement on priorities (without which marriage is generally messy; not just with reference to submission), the points at which submission becomes relevant would be feasibility and timing.

Irrelevant to White House

While I don’t know how it would have come across in a political debate or if it would have fit in her allotted 60 second response time, I believe the question about submission and the presidency should have been responded to as a bad question. Submission is a relational dynamic that applies to the home and not the work place.

When my wife was a teacher, her responding to me in a submissive way did not mean that she should have felt compelled to utilize each of my classroom management suggestions. Once we made a family decision that her teaching was a good choice for our family during that season of our lives, my role as her husband to her as a teacher became one of love and support, not leadership over her educational responsibilities.

The question she was asked framed submission in a way which implied submission removed the voice of women (both in and outside the home). Any articulation of submission which does this is one that I believe misapplies biblical teaching.

More Than Respect

With that said, I would have to disagree with Michelle Bachmann’s assertion that submission merely means respecting her husband. While Ephesians 5:33 says that a wife should respect her husband, Ephesians 5:22 calls wives to submit to their own husbands. If they were the same, both would not need to be said.

In a relationship that is life long and requires the sharing of so many precious assets (not just money, time, and house, but children, interests, and faith), someone must have a final say. I cannot fathom how any relationship between fallen people would function otherwise.

However, let me state this just as clearly and with equal confidence: any marriage that is relying upon submission regularly in its decision making is an unhealthy marriage that has much bigger problems than gender roles. If I asked my wife to submit to me in a decision and she resisted, then I would either assume I had failed to lovingly understand and display sincere value for her position or that we had problems in other areas of our personal-marital life that I was unaware of or neglecting. Either way, my next response as a husband called to love my wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25) is to listen better as I examine my own heart.

 

Both Opposites of Ambition

by brad on June 3, 2011 in Application Supplement, Counseling Reflection with No comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon “Ambition” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday June 4-5, 2011.

It is so easy to get caught in the habit of thinking that a virtue only has one opposite. What is the opposite of love? Hate. What is the opposite of peace? War. These are the natural and right answers, although incomplete.

The opposite of love is also apathy. The opposite of peace is also denial. Not caring is as alien to love as wanting to do great harm. Pretending things are okay when they are not is as foreign to peace as picking a fight.

We have a habit of only thinking of the aggressive distortions of a virtue (hate or war) and overlooking the passive distortions (apathy or denial). This may be because we were influenced by the movie Bambi more than we realized. Remember Thumper’s mother’s advice, “If you cannot say something nice do not say anything at all.” Too often we live as if God said that and applied it to every virtue of life.

This is as true of ambition as it is of any other virtue. We naturally think of the aggressive distortions of ambition – selfishness, pride, exploitation, neglecting family, etc… We call these sins (rightfully) and condemn those who practice them (too often self-righteously).

Yet we often turn a blind eye to the passive distortions of ambition – fear of failure, purposelessness, low self-esteem, laziness, lack of faith, insecurity, discontentment, etc… We call these personality flaws (mislabeling them) and treat them as if they only need to be more understood and accepted (offering false comfort; Jer. 6:14).

The aggressive and passive distortions of any virtue are equally wrong.  Both 5 and -5 are equally distant from 0. Their consequences may be different. But they each equally misrepresent the character of God.

The answer for both is the same learning godly ambition through the Gospel.

Aggressive distortions of godly ambition need to die to self. These distortions serve self through consuming others for the purpose of advancing their own kingdom. Their forms of control are also aggressive as they use power, influence, and money to manipulate others to advance their agenda. They are convinced they are right or have the right to act as they do.

Passive distortions of godly ambition need to die to self. These distortions serve self through protecting self for the purpose of not risking their own kingdom. Their forms of control are passive aggressive as they use guilt, inactivity, or dependency to manipulate others to advance their agenda. They would never admit they are manipulating anyone and would continue their self-protection by how offended they feel at hearing such a suggestion.

It is only the Gospel that allows us to live for a kingdom other than self. We realize that neither the advancement nor the protection of our kingdom will ever really satisfy our souls. We were made for something bigger than self (a thought at the very core of godly ambition).

We begin to consider how our talents, abilities, relationships, possessions, education, and time can be leveraged for the advancement of God’s kingdom. Our creativity is freed from fear (the root of the passive distortions of ambition) because the most precious thing we have is the endless gift of the Gospel. There is no risk with what you cannot lose.

Our end product is freed from self-centeredness (the root of aggressive distortions of ambition) because our mission is captured in the theme “He must increase, but I decrease (John 3:30).” We realize that we were blessed in order than we might be a blessing to others (Gen 12:2).

In the end, we find the joy that can drive our souls for eternity without chewing up the things we love most (spouse and children) and blesses those that God is especially fond of (the homeless, orphans, prisoners, unwed mothers, high school drop outs, etc…, cf James 2:26-27). Now our ambition drives those we love towards God through our example and draws those God loves to Him through our service and generosity. We will, then, do great things by God’s grace as our ambition become what God intended it to be all along.

Generational Sin: Destiny or Context?

by brad on February 3, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with 1 Comment

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor JD’s sermon “Consequences: 2 Samuel 12-16” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday February 5-6, 2011.

When we see and hear how the sin of David affected his son Absalom many of us may begin to experience fear. This fear is compounded if we consider God’s words in the second of the Ten Commandments.

“You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5-6).”

The gracious disproportion of numbers is not much comfort if you are in one of the first three generations. So we have to ask, “What is this verse talking about?” Some would say it means that God punishes children for the sins of their parents. God has heard His people ask this question before and answered it in Ezekiel 18:19-21.

“Yet you say, ‘Why should the son suffer for the iniquity of the father? When the son has done what is just and right, and has been careful to observe all my statutes, he shall surely live. The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself. But IF a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die (capitalization added).’”

The question we are asking pivots on, “What makes the ‘if’ so hard?” We are all wicked in the sense that we are born in sin and righteousness is unnatural. So the link between Exodus 20 and Ezekiel 18 seems to be that it is harder for someone to turn from sin when their family of origin rejects God.

One reason for this is that following God is unnatural. Proverbs 22:15a describes all our beginnings; “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.” There is a natural consequence to absence of godly parenting – we go in the way that seems right to us which ends in death (Prov. 14:12, 16:25).

But there seems to be more to it than natural consequences in Exodus 20. I would describe it as a “life context with momentum.” There is more than the absence of good; there is the presence of bad. A child learns a lifestyle, collects hurts, gathers fears, and takes on goals. This is the child’s life context for years, even decades.

Like braces on teeth, this molds the child, even if the child can tell the context is wrong and doesn’t want to continue it. The child only knows what not to do. In avoiding the evil they know, there are many more dysfunctions to fall into. After all there is only “one way” that leads to life (John 14:6) and many ways that seem good that lead to destruction (Matt. 7:13-14).

I believe this gives us insight into another passage that speaks of influences beyond our immediate life and choice – Ephesians 6:10-20 on spiritual warfare. It is interesting that the only active steps we are called to in spiritual warfare are to “put on the armor (v. 11, 13)” and “stand firm (v. 13).”

In light of this discussion, I would say this means:

  1. Study the Bible diligently to “put on the armor of God”: to learn God’s truth, gain a vision for God’s righteousness, embrace and live in the gospel of peace, by faith resist the lies of your upbringing, trust in God’s salvation, and ask the Spirit to penetrate these things into your heart.
  2. Understand the context of your family of origin. Examine what you learned inaccurately from them—what things they taught you to be good, valuable or desirable that are not. What things did they model to be scarce or withhold that are plentiful in Christ? Know these influences “with momentum” so that you can “stand firm” in God’s armor when they push you towards destruction.

God’s Words for Workaholics: Psalm 127

by brad on January 18, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

Case Study: When Philip said, “I am a teacher,” he was making a true statement of his identity. If they allowed the same person to win “Teacher of the Year” multiple times, his would be the only name on the hallway plaque. Reading, preparing lectures, designing classroom projects, giving feedback on student papers, and meeting with students were all a joy to Philip. “Changing the future one student at a time,” was a motto and a drug for Philip.

Philip’s wife, however, wanted some of the attention and passion directed towards students for her. Admittedly, she had grown angry (with a strong dose of jealousy), then bitter, then distant, and now disinterested in their 30 years of marriage. Marriage was now only a convenient way to have more time and money to pursue her other interests.

When she used to try to talk to Philip about balance in his life, he would only complain that she didn’t support him and she should be proud to have a husband who works that hard. Now Philip is the one on the bitter-distant cycle as he feels like his wife only uses him for money. But when that thought gets him down, Philip pours himself back into teaching in order to “stay positive.”

What hurts Philip most is how disinterested his boys are in him or education. The boys also began to resent school when they could see it was stealing their father and becoming the definition of “being a good son.” While they wanted to be a real person worth knowing, they felt reduced to their mind and their future when talking with Dad. Dad’s connections were helpful to get into nicer schools, but they vowed not to take their education too seriously because they feared becoming “like Dad.”

Philip is wrestling with mid-life issues. He has worked for three decades on “his dreams” but it not sure what to do with them now. His relationships with his wife, boys, and grandkids are functional at best. Making a will is almost depressing. He wanted to leave something to his boys to help them pursue their dreams. But the boys seem allergic to pursuing a dream (intentionally so).

As Philip struggled with depression, he tried returning to his faith. His teacher-side likes poetry so he began reading through the Psalms. When he came to Psalm 127 he read it many times over. For him it was “he Psalm less traveled.” He saw in it a warning against his life-dominating error. He prayed through it many times and eventually rewrote it in his words to use as part of his repentance to his wife and boys.

Pre-Questions: This case study is meant to challenge you to think biblically about the real struggles of life. These questions will not be answered completely in the sections below. But they do represent the kind of struggles that are being wrestled with in Psalm 127. Use the question to both stir application and to give you new insight into the psalm.

  • What are the warning signs that a job is becoming an identity?
  • What kind of relationships should Philip have established to serve a warning system?
  • How did an over-emphasis on work become both the cause and “cure” of Philip’s family problems?
  • How did Philip’s dream become both the standard and methodology of his parenting?

Read Psalm 127 in your preferred Bible translation. The “rewrite” of Psalm 127 below is an attempt to capture the words that God would give Philip to pray (Romans 8:26-27). This would be something Philip would need to pray many times as he struggled to surrender his work-based identity to the Lord.

A re-write of Psalm 127

1. I thought I could build my own dream life. I labored hard and excelled (in every tangible way I knew to measure or pursue “success”), but I am starting to wonder if it was worth it. I built a career, but I can’t live in it and it’s lonely.  I gave my wife and boys every “thing” and “opportunity” I knew existed, but that has not made us a family.

2. I was the first one in the office and stayed up late researching or grading. My labor has not provided what was most important. I would work through lunch and be distracted during “family dinners,” but I think God (and I) would have been much happier if I had learned to rest and enjoy life. I see now that God wanted to give me rest, not because I was weak, but because He loved me and my family.

3. I thought my career was my gift from God and that with it I could reward my children. I realize now that my boys were my primary gift from God and that they were given to me to be enjoyed and loved more than rewarded and advanced. I have always seemed to miss relationships in the name of progress.

4. I thought my lectures, my writings, or my students would be my legacy. Now that they are all I have, I see I was wrong. My children are where I could have had the biggest impact on the world. My boys were God’s designed weapon with which I should have focused on advancing God’s kingdom and changing the world.

5. Fortunate is the father who pours himself into his children first; whose satisfaction is in his children more than his career or reputation. Everything I once did for my own glory now brings me shame as I see the damage it did to my family. When I speak with those I used to “compete with” for glory, I am only reminded of how they distracted me from what was most important.

Passages for Further Study: I Corinthians 6:12; Ephesians 4:15-17, notice that Ephesians 6:1-4 (parenting) comes before 6:5-9 (work); 2 Thessalonians 2:6-16

Post Questions: Now that you have read Psalm 127, examined how Philip might rewrite it for his situation, and studied several other passages, consider the following questions:

  • How should Philip deal with the sense of regret and guilt he feels for the damage his focus on work did to his family?
  • How should Philip respond to the anger or indifference his wife and boys may have when he comes to them in repentance?
  • How would your answers to the “pre-questions” have changed as a result of reflecting on Psalm 127?
  • For what instances of work or performance-based identity do you need to re-write your own version of Psalm 127?

Bible Verses on Adoption

by brad on December 8, 2010 in Church Resource with No comments

Effective Biblical Counseling can never be reduced to the question, “What does the Bible say about [topic]?” Both life and counseling require more than having the right answer to a question. Counseling (or Christian friendship that seeks to embody the “one another” commands of the New Testament) is when one person joins another on his/her journey to cultivate more of the fruit of the Spirit in his/her life by overcoming some life struggle.

What you find below should be considered the “map” for this journey. God’s Word helps us see both where we are (stuck in sin and/or suffering) and where we want to be. The Summit counseling ministry hopes you find both direction and encouragement for your journey in these passages.

This list is updated periodically.

Romans 8:14-17, “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”

Romans 8:22-25, “For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Galatians 4:1-7, “I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father. In the same way we also, when we were children, were enslaved to the elementary principles of the world. But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba! Father!’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.”

Ephesians 1:3-6, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.”

1 John 3:1-3, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we will be like him, because we shall see him as he is. And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.”

Other Passages to Study: Matthew 5:9; Luke 6:35; John 1:2; 2 Corinthians 6:17-18; Galatians 3:26-29; Ephesians 2:19; Philippians 2:15; Hebrews 12:6-7; Revelation 21:7

Other Topics to Consider: Family Life, Parenting, Self-Esteem (Identity)

Gratitude as Weakness

by brad on October 21, 2010 in Counseling Reflection with Comments Off

You might read the title of this post and assume that I was implying that gratitude was a bad thing. But that would be because you might assume that weakness was a bad thing. Actually I am saying the opposite of both. Gratitude is a good thing because weakness is a good thing.

Most of our relational civilities are built upon the assumption that it is safe to be weak in trusted relationships.  Whenever we say, “Thank you… I like… that was nice… would you… please… excuse me… yes sir, etc…” we are making ourselves vulnerable to a harsh response. The other person could say, “You better say thank you… I don’t like… don’t expect it again… who do you think I am… No!” or ignore us.

Beyond a harsh response, we also are declaring the other person as worthy of honor. Kings and Queens stand for the presence of no one and have no need of the words “Thank you.” When we are grateful we are declaring I am not a king or queen. When we are grateful with a glad heart we are saying that we do not have to be a king or queen in order to be safe or secure.

With this in mind, consider Jesus’ words in Mark 9:35:

“If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.”

The problem with being a king or queen is that everyone is a threat to your position. There can be only one king or queen (unless you live in a fantasy world like Narnia, of course). In the norm

al scope of thing being “first” is lonely and unsafe.

It is only in the kingdom of God that being first can be shared and safe.  In heaven, where competition will be eliminated, gratitude will be natural because strength will be irrelevant. We are invited to begin living that way now. We are encouraged to pray that this would be more common in the Lord’s Prayer:

“Your will be done one earth as it is in heaven (Matt 6:10b).”

When we conduct our homes, friendship, and workplaces in a manner that makes strength irrelevant and gratitude natural, we are making those environments more “heavenly.” Unfortunately, in our fallen world this often takes great courage and sometimes results in suffering.

However, when this happens let us resist the temptation to envy the powerful person who has made gratitude unnatural. Rather, let us pity this person as being trapped in a relational world that requires strength in order to be safe. Our compassion will likely increase their anger (at least at first) because receiving compassion (another relational civility) requires admitting weakness.

As their anger increases, so will their conviction (Heb 11:7). But we must remember than while we do not succumb to the false gospel of their anger (“strength will deliver me”), we are not a slave to their demanding (Rom 12:17-18 implies we can walk away when things are unreasonable).

Our goal, however, is to live in the safety of the gospel as an open invitation to those around us and to be able to echo the words of Paul in II Corinthians 12:9 at all times:

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.”

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Being Like Our Father – Ephesians 5:1-14

by brad on October 18, 2010 in Application Supplement with Comments Off

As Beloved Children (5:1)

Many people (rightly) say that they do not know how to relate to God as Father. Usually this is because of the harshness or absence of their biological father. However, when we state the problem this way we distract from half of the problem. It is equally true and disruptive that we do not know how to be God’s children. In abusive or neglectful homes children are required to be miniature adults.

Children get to be protected as they play and explore their world. Children are allowed to make mistakes and then are lovingly corrected or instructed as needed afterwards. Children can rest in the fact that their parents will provide for and protect them. Children require that the same lesson be taught multiple times in various ways before it becomes a habitual part of their life. Children are encouraged to imitate their parents’ actions, words, and emotions and develop a healthy, godly character as they do so.

Reflection: As you read through the list (brief sampling) of what it means to be a child in a healthy home, what actions are unnatural for you. Do you know how to be a child? In light of this reflection consider Jesus’ words in Mark 10:15, “Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” Then consider how Jesus’ rebuked/reminded the disciples of their relationship to God when they were worried about financial hardship in Mark 10:24, “And the disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said to them again, ‘Children, how difficult it is to enter the kingdom of God!’”

Must Not Even Be Named Among You (5:2)

It would be easy to read these words in the tone of embarrassed parents scolding their child after the child sinned in public, “I don’t even want that kind of action spoken about our family!” But this is not Paul’s tone. Paul is concerned for God’s reputation and the church’s influence not his social status nor even the social status of any given church member. Paul would gladly be embarrassed so long as the Gospel was not disgraced (I Cor 1:17-31). This is why his words had influence; they were not about him.

It is important to note that Paul’s list of sins to avoid range from sleeping with your neighbor’s wife to being jealous of your neighbor’s i-phone. Paul was not being emotionally

reactive to a certain class of taboo sins, as if he were embarrassed to have to talk about sex. Paul was not annoyed by a problem that was inconveniencing him (Ephesians is unique amongst Paul’s letters because it does not appear to be written in response to a problem in the church). Paul is simply reminding the church of Who they represent and the importance being holy ambassadors.

Reflection: How much does embarrassment motivate your pursuit of holiness? When this is the case it reveals that we are “being good” out of a fear of man much more than a fear of God. If this is a struggle for you consider memorizing Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” When we are motivated by fear of man we are more concerned with the social fall out of our sin (who gets upset or offended) more than the condition of our heart (which we must see in order to be able to genuinely repent).

No Crude Joking

(BCH_Eph5A_handout for Printable PDF Handout)

Paul is clear that crude joking has no place in the life of a Christian (Eph 5:4). This begins with making jokes about or finding entertainment in subjects of an immoral subject (i.e., sex outside marriage, violence, racial prejudice, illegal activity). All such behavior should be stopped immediately and repented of to God and to those with whom such actions were engaged.

A second area of application is making jokes at the expense of loved ones. The following types of joking demonstrate a lack of honor for one’s spouse, children, friends, or co-workers

  • Verbal jabs about their insecurities or weaknesses
  • Sarcasm (otherwise known as “violence through humor”)
  • Comparisons to unbecoming people
  • Complimenting someone else to get a “rise” out of them
  • References to past mistakes or faux pas
  • Condescending jokes in front of others
  • Suggestions of leaving or being aggressive
  • Derogatory remarks regarding friends or other loved ones
  • Belittling their interests or hobbies
  • Using nicknames that are unappreciated

We must remember that humor has great influence. Hence, funny commercials sell more products. We reveal what we value and shape those around us by our punch lines. Let us (frequently) use our quick wit, story telling, and ironic statements for the glory of God!

Introduction to the “Living Our Faith” series.
TOOL: “Using Prayer Time to Cultivate Ministry”
BLOG POST: “Teachers Equipping Ministers Through Prayer Time“

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Life In/Under Christ – Ephesians 1:15-23

by brad on August 30, 2010 in Uncategorized with No comments

The Eyes of Your Heart (1:18)

How can two people look at the same thing or event and come away with very different conclusions? Culturally, this is explained through a system of beliefs called “relativism” which states that only perspective (as opposed to real, objective truth) exists. This belief system is summed up in the phrase, “What may be right to you may not be so to me; who am I to judge?”

Ephesians points us in a different direction for answering this question. People come away with different conclusions because of the varying conditions of their hearts. Our beliefs, values, agenda, priorities, hopes, allegiances, pet peeves, and affections shape what we see. Christians believe in more than objective truth. Christians believe that our hearts must be in tune with God’s heart in order to perceive and respond to our world correctly.

Application: When you and a friend recall a given conversation or event differently consider how the “eyes of your heart” (beliefs, values, agenda, priorities, hopes, allegiances, pet peeves, and affections) shaped the difference. Try to step out of your perspective and vested interest to ask what God’s heart for that moment was. Until we begin to ask questions about the “eyes of heart” we will not know if they are blind.

Previous Related Blog: What Would a Truth Telling Machine Do?

Hope to Which He Has Called You (1:18)

We are called to hope. That seems like a simple statement, but (to be honest) it caught me off guard. It seemed much more natural to say we have been called as God’s children (relationship), to share the Gospel (mission), or to live holy lives (character).  But it seemed a bit odd to think that we have been called to hope (disposition).

While I do not believe there is one ultimate personality – as if fully sanctified people will share the same sense of humor or risk-tolerance, it does seem that we are called to express our personalities (extrovert/introvert, optimist/pessimist, random/orderly, spender/saver) displaying a disposition of hope.

Reflection: This must mean that hope can come in many different “flavors.” Do you tend to think of hope as having one mode of expression? What about other virtues of disposition (humility, faith, love, courage, patience)? What do we lose when we assign these virtues to particular personality types or modes of expression? Use you imagination to consider what each virtue (especially hope) might look like when expressed by different types of people.

Christ the Head

(BCH_Eph1B_handout for Printable PDF Handout)

Any debate over what it means for a husband to be the head of his wife in Ephesians 5:23, should not begin until a study has been done of what it means for Christ to be the head of the church in Ephesians 1:22. The relationship of husband and wife are meant to mirror the relationship of Christ and the church. To start with husband and wife questions would be like learning about the Grand Canyon from a picture when you could take a tour by donkey back.

There is no way to answer the breadth of questions this subject creates and this goal here is not to debate skeptics. What can be offered is a process of reflection for the genuinely confused or those seeking a more complete understanding. Use the following questions to help you journey from Ephesians 1 (where Paul starts) to Ephesians 5.

  • How does Christ relate to the church in authority, compassion, guidance, allowing freedom/preference, sacrifice, patience, etc…?
  • What are other titles/metaphors/roles by which Christ relates to the church? How are these similar to, different from, or complementary with that of “head”?
  • How well does the church respond to Christ as her head?
  • How does Christ respond to the church in the midst of her struggles to submit?
  • What decisions do a husband and wife face where headship and submission are needed? In what situations should general obedience (actions, values, and disposition) to God’s Word make headship and submission largely irrelevant categories?
  • How should a husband relate to his wife in authority, compassion, guidance, allowing freedom/preference, sacrifice, patience, etc…?
  • What other titles/metaphors/roles does Scripture give for how a husband relates to his wife?
  • What should happen when a husband fails to be a Christ-like head? What should happen when a wife fails to respond in church-like submission?
  • What practical or theological questions remain for you about husband-wife relations?

As you continue in this study of Ephesians, pay careful attention to the relationship between Christ and the church to prepare you to accurately apply the marriage section.

Introduction to the “Living Our Faith” series.
TOOL: “Using Prayer Time to Cultivate Ministry”
BLOG POST: “Teachers Equipping Ministers Through Prayer Time“

Good Cop Bad Cop Parenting

by brad on August 26, 2010 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

When is balance not balanced? When extremes are cancelling each other out.

I can remember the treatment for a significant ankle injury incurred playing baseball. It involved two five gallon buckets. One filled with ice water. The other filled with steaming Epson salt water. The process was to immerse my injured ankle alternately in each bucket for 10 minute intervals. You can imagine the “joyful noises” that poured forth.

That was not balanced. You could pour the two buckets into one ten gallon tank and get something quite comfortable. But if I had to live in a world where temperatures vacillated to that degree I would rather have a bum ankle.

Too often parents do something quite similar in their homes. One parent is the bad cop; the other is the good cop. One parent handles love; the other discipline. One parent encourages; the other motivates. One parent emphasizes potential; the other inherent value. One parent doesn’t sweat the small stuff; the other does.

In the end the child lives being alternately plunged into buckets of expectations and responses that widely vary in “temperature.” Mix the two together and it would make a very comfortable home and life, but unfortunately the parents never mix.

Two very destructive things emerge from this style of parenting. First, the child learns a distorted view of gender roles. Second, the child learns a very confusing view of God.

There is not a combination of good cop (husband) bad cop (wife) or vice versa that results in a healthy view of gender. Either way, one is controlling and dominant while the other is weak. Yet weakness is viewed as loving. Strength is viewed as distant.  That is an awful choice to have to make.

This same false dichotomy is often projected on to God. Either God is loving and weak or strong and distant. The child has no other categories by which to understand relationships.

In this mess we can marvel all the more at John 1:14, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.”

Discussing the glory of God the Father seen in the Son, John says Jesus was “full of grace and truth.” As parents, both individually and as a couple, we are called to be Christ-like. This is much more than a guilt-trip about being “nice.” It cuts to the core of the good cop / bad cop parenting dynamic.

The problem with debate (nice word for argument) when it is between parents is that they want to determine “Who is right?” The answer is neither. Compensating for ice water with steaming heat does not create an environment where life thrives.

In order to solve the problem both parents must humble themselves and admit that something is more important than their position – namely accurately representing the character of God and the Gospel to their children. As long as the conversation focuses primarily upon bedtimes, test scores, and duration of groundings, the conversation (nice word again) will be an endless rendition of counter examples.

The two questions that I would encourage parents caught in this trap to ask themselves (personally) is, (1) “Did I accurately and intentionally represent the character and heart of God in that moment?” and (2) “Did my handling of my child’s sin or immaturity point my child to or prepare them to embrace/apply the Gospel to their struggle?”

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