All posts tagged Family

Is Personality Hereditary?

by brad on June 3, 2013 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

This is an interesting question; a question that anyone with multiple children has grappled with. How can my children so instinctively respond just like me or my spouse? But on the other hand, how can two children from the same parents be so different?

One set of anecdotal observations says personality must be genetic – the level of commonality seems too great to be explained solely by environmental influence.  But another set of anecdotal observations seems to say the opposite – if two children share so much genetic code in common, how could their personalities take on such contrasts?

In a recent sent of lectures I was listening to from a leading neuro-psychologist,[1] he said that research estimates that 50% of the extroversion-introversion personality trait was determined by genetics.[2] The other 50% was determined by factors such as home stability, birth order, early socialization experiences, etc…

On face value that’s not shocking. In the age-old nature vs. nurture debate that is about what we would expect; half of our personality is inherited, the other half is learned or molded. But it was the next two statistics that he gave from the same research that caused me to pause.

According to the research he reviewed, he said that:

  • 60% of whether you are politically conservative or liberal was genetically determined and
  • 70% of whether you marry and the quality of your marriage was genetically determined.

A quick word about his research; from what I could tell, his scientific work was excellent. He referenced meta-analysis studies not single study published research findings. There is a big difference in the quality between the two. Meta-analysis (in layman’s terms) average out the findings of hundreds of studies on a subject. A single published study is trying to find something interesting/significant enough to get published.

All of this to say, I am not questioning the quality of his work. To whatever degree that the hereditability of personality traits or life outcomes can be predicted scientifically, I trust the style of work Dr. Leary was doing. In addition to this, he is highly esteemed by his peers (not just popular media outlets, who tend to prefer the more eye-catching, yet-to-be-verified studies).

So what do we make of the 50% genetically determined personality statistic now? I think most of us would say it’s less impressive that we thought when we read it initially.

For the moment let’s assume all of the statistics are correct (I do not have the credentials or expertise to debate his methods). Let me frame two questions that help us assess what we do with the 50% hereditability of personality statistics.

  • How much weight do you give the 40% of non-genetic factors in your political leanings?
  • How much weight do you give the 30% non-genetic factors in the quality of your marriage?

My guess is most readers would say, “A great deal of weight.” As a hard-working father, I probably only get to share 30% of the waking hours with my two boys. But I believe those hours carry as much weigh/influence as (probably more than) almost anything else in their life.

I believe, if these numbers are true, we should think the same way about the choice-factors in our personality. If God knit us together in our mother’s womb (Ps. 139:13) and has plans for us to accomplish for his glory (Eph. 2:1), then why would be surprised that God began preparing us for those good works genetically from the moment of our conception.

As an important side note on this subject, I believe we must be careful not to place a good-bad distinction on the extrovert-introvert spectrum (or any other personality variable for that matter). Thinking of certain personality traits as good-bad, leads us to accept a can-can’t mentality on the basis of personality.

As a quick personal example, I am a pretty intense introvert. For a long time I assumed this meant I could not be a leader, public speaker, or (at times) even a good Christian husband. I mistook this personality trait for a limitation on my other gifts and abilities. Similarly, I mistook a relational role (leader) for a personality type (extrovert). Now I am comfortable being an introverted leader and husband.

So what should our take away from this reflection be? I would propose it should be the following three points:

  • If 50% of my personality is genetic… (I can trust that God designed these elements of my personality to coincide with His purposed for my life),
  • … then there is still 50% of my personality over which I have influence… (I should expect that I will frequently be called by God to do things that are uncomfortable to my natural bent and trust Him to give me whatever I need to accomplish these tasks),
  • AND 100% of my personality can express itself in whatever ways necessary to accomplish whatever God lays out for my life.

Join the Conversation

How does viewing genetic influences in light of God’s design change the way you think about genetic influence upon personality?

How might the church reinforce the cultural notion (implicitly or explicitly) that certain personality traits are more valuable or desirable than others and, thereby, discourage a significant percentage of congregants?

Note: This post was originally posted on the “Grace and Truth” blog of the Biblical Counseling Coalition.


[1] The lectures were from The Great Courses series (www.thegreatcourses.com). The lecture series was “Understanding the Mysteries of Human Behavior” by Dr. Mark Leary, Garonzik Family Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke University. My reasons for listening these lectures were two fold. First, I wanted to be more informed of neuro-psychology. Second, my church has a large number of students from Duke University and I believed it was an important part of learning the community in which I serve as Pastor of Counseling.

 

[2] These statistics come from Lecture 3 “Where Do People’s Personalities Come From?” While I disagree with Dr. Leary’s predominant evolutionary beliefs about human origins and the development of personality, I do not believe these beliefs contrasts influenced his interpretation of this research.

Romantic Conflict: An Introduction to a Gospel-Centered Marriage

by brad on February 15, 2013 in Church Resource with 1 Comment

The following message was given at The Summit Church on February 9-10, 2013. It examines the implications of  Jesus’ call to discipleship in Luke 9:23-24 for marital conflict and romance.

For the podcast or transcript of this sermon click here.

This sermon represents the core concepts that are developed further in the  “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” seminar series that is comprised of:

Summit Pre-Marital Mentor Home Page

by brad on January 22, 2013 in Church Resource with No comments

Everytime you come to this page I want you to hear me say “thank you” for the way you serve the engaged couples in our church. The value of a mature, mentor couple to invest in the life of an engaged and newly couple cannot be overestimated.

With the material below we want to make your mentoring experience as logistically easy as possible. For each structured meeting with your engaged couple you will find the following information:

  • The video we created to orient engaged couples to each meeting
  • The most up-to-date tools / evaluations for each meeting
  • A sample exercise for the “Sketching Your Marriage Story” assignment
  • Templates of the form e-mails for you to cut-and-paste
  • Links to all the FAQ’s posts for/from mentors (at the bottom of the page).

First Meeting:
Getting to Know Each Other

One week before this first meeting, please send your couple a personalized version of this e-mail (Meeting One E-mail) to make sure they have everything they need.

Resource One: Sketching Our Marriage Story

Resource One (Sample): Marriage Story_Birth to Wedding_SAMPLE

Resource Two: Celebrating Our Non-Moral Differences

Resource Three: Purity Covenant (discussion of this covenant here)

***Note: For the first meeting you will also need to complete these three evaluations. You will review them with your mentors at the end of this meeting to identify your main subject for meeting two.

Evaluation One: Marriage Evaluation_Knowing Each Other & Healthy Expectations

Evaluation Two: Marriage Evaluation_We Identity & Leave and Cleave

Evaluation Three: Marriage Evaluation_Character & Role Expectations

 

Second Meeting:
Foundations

One week before this second meeting, please send your couple a personalized version of this e-mail (Meeting Two E-mail) to make sure they have everything they need.

Evaluation One: GCMevaluation_Listening

Evaluation Two: GCMevaluation_Day-to-Day_Communication

Evaluation Three: GCMevaluation_Conflict Resolution

Third Meeting:
Communication

One week before this third meeting, please send your couple a personalized version of this e-mail (Meeting Three E-mail) to make sure they have everything they need.

Evaluation One: Evaluation – Financial Beliefs and Character

Evaluation Two: Evaluation – Budgeting Process

Evaluation Three: Evaluation – Debt and Savings

Fourth Meeting:
Finances

One week before this fourth meeting, please send your couple a personalized version of this e-mail (Meeting Four E-mail) to make sure they have everything they need.

Evaluation One: GCMevaluation_Personal Decision Making

Evaluation Two: GCMevaluation_Consensus Decision Making

Evaluation Three: GCMevaluation_Corporate Decision Making

Fifth Meeting:
Decision Making

One week before this fifth meeting, please send your couple a personalized version of this e-mail (Meeting Five E-mail) to make sure they have everything they need.

Evaluations will be created when as “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Intimacy”seminar is prepared.

Evaluation One: Name

Evaluation Two: Name

Evaluation Three: Name

Sixth Meeting:
Intimacy

Video Six

One week before this sixth meeting, please send your couple a personalized version of this e-mail (Meeting Six E-mail) to make sure they have everything they need.

After this meeting you may schedule the recommended 6 week, 3 month, and 6 month post-marital meetings with your couple.

FAQ Database

In this section we will link you to brief responses to many of the frequently asked questions asked by/of marriage mentors. This is a growing list of questions and answers, so please check back each time you get information to meet with your couples to see what’s been added. Also, be sure you’ve joined the Preparing for Marriage and Summit Counseling pages on The City for more resources in marriage enrichment and mentor development.

  • What if the couple comes into the program late (close to their wedding)?
  • What if we think they need to meet with a more experienced counselor? What if we think they do not need to get married… at least not in the time frame they’ve set?
  • What if we’re uncomfortable talking about [blank] or don’t feel like we do a good job with [blank]?
  • What should we know about pre-marital couples (just in case we forgot what this season of life was like)?
  • Are there articles or books I need to be reading?
  • What if we learn the couple is living together?

 

My Top 12 Blog Posts of 2012

by brad on December 26, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

This posts takes a look back at my favorite posts from this year. These are the posts, that as I reviewed through my archives, I remembered most clearly. It may be the memory that inspired the post or the conversations that ensued afterwards, but either way these are the ones that stood out to me.

  1. The Myth of Compatibility — Too often we treat compatibility as if were a noun instead of a verb. Character is a better predictor of marital success than personality cohesion.
  2. When the Holy Spirit Prays for You — Too often we try to comfort people who are suffering with Romans 8:28 without taking on the journey of verses 25-27.
  3. The Sacred “Silly” Moments of Marriage — This is a call to pay attention to how “compliments” do more than just encourage your spouse.
  4. Feel Awkward Being Expressive in Worship? Me Too — Here I reflect on the self-preoccupation of being expressive in worship distracts me from the freedom God wants to give through worship.
  5. God’s Words for “Bouncy” Anxiety — This posts looks at how Psalm 121 is a gift from God for those whose fears bounce from one thing to the next.
  6. Prayer and Talking to My Children — This was a great time of remembering that God enjoys listening to His children as much as (probably more than) I enjoy listening to my children.
  7. You Don’t Know “The Real Me” — I was struck by how sin-kept-secret could so powerfully cut people off from meaningful relationships even from people who really loved them.
  8. On Counseling and Comedy — Find out if you agree with my assessment that young counselors and young comedians wrestle with the same tactical error.
  9. The Difference Between Guilt, Shame and Regret — These three powerful emotions/experiences are often used as synonyms, but when it comes to applying the gospel we need to know the difference.
  10. Poetry Slam on Same Sex Attraction and Childhood Sexual Abuse — My reflections on a powerful 9 minute testimony of God’s restorative power in poetry form.
  11. Learning to Doubt Our Fears — I was struck by the realization that when we are afraid the only thing we do not doubt is our fears.
  12. Three Family Posts (Yes, I admit I’m cheating).
    1. Special Trip III: Youngest Son Goes to Kindergarten — The story of the right of passage trip I took with my youngest son. Great memories!
    2. Why We Do “Chili Cheese Dog Adventures” — An innovative approach helping our boys adapt to a move that has turned into a family tradition.
    3. Three Letters I Write Every Year — A romantic exercise I realized was enriching my life as much as my wife’s.

Hambrick Family Christmas Letter 2012

by brad on December 24, 2012 in Personal Entry with No comments

Dear Friends,

Seems like I was just writing the 2011 version of this letter. But while the time has passed quickly, much has happened to update our friends and family about.  This was our first full year settled in our new house. After not decorating for Christmas in 2010 because of our holiday move, the boys responded to our Christmas decorations like they’d never seen them. It was almost enough to make me look forward to all of the work of putting them out this year #bahumbug.

Marshall has started kindergarten and absolutely loves it. Our formerly “silent child” chatters up a storm and is excited about getting to do homework every night. I thought that would have wore off by now, but I’m not complaining. We took a “right of passage” trip in August to make starting school feel more special (story and pictures at link). By his request we climbed a mountain and then walked under the ocean.

Lawson is growing in his love for sports and adventure. We went to Disney this summer and he caught the roller coaster bug. I think we will be taking several trips to amusement parks in the coming years. Our coach-pitch baseball team this Fall was a perfect 9-0, and Lawson is already talking about the Spring season. To help the boys bond with our new city, we’ve started an expedition of visiting all the chili cheese dogs joints in RDU (story and pictures at link).

Sallie couldn’t stand having free time with Marshall in school so she has started substitute teaching at the boys school, created a small “design on a dime” decorating business, and launched a small group for single young professional women at our church. She has painted every room in our home since we moved in last June (badly needed since it was a highly distressed seller house).

Brad has had no problem staying busy between his role at Summit (www.summitrdu.com) and Southeastern (www.sebts.edu). His first two booklets were published this year and he has three more publications coming out this year (www.bradhambrick.com/publications) including being a featured counselor in the new DivorceCare product line. Brad is creating a series of marriage seminars for our church “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” (posted at link).

Over the next year we would appreciate your prayers that we will (1) fully enjoy this sweet season when our boys are young and lay a good foundation for their future, (2) prioritize marriage and family during a very busy season of life and ministry, and (3) grow in our trust in God’s character and effectiveness at sharing His hope with others.

We want to thank you for your friendship and the unique role you have played in the life our family. Our prayer is that this Christmas you will experience the power, peace, and joy of Immanuel – God with us (Matthew 1:23) – and have opportunity to multiply the experience of that hope by sharing it with others.

Merry Christmas!
The Hambrick Family

P.S. For an idea of how to teach your children the real meaning of Christmas, check out this article.

Why We Do “Chili Cheese Dog Adventures”

by brad on October 12, 2012 in Personal Entry with 5 Comments

We moved to Raleigh-Durham in January of 2011. Two years prior we had moved from one side of Augusta, GA to the other (we weren’t expecting to relocate from our ministry position there). The result would be that my then seven and four year old boys would live in four homes and two cities in the course of three years.

Other than our outdoor-loving child being depressed by a cramped apartment in winter, the boys adapted well. Their school performance remained constant, there were not significant regressions in their developmental markers, and they continued to bond decently well with friends.

But I noticed that they talked about moving frequently. Their expectation was that we would move annually. That was now normal to them. They daydreamed about where they wanted to live next and why. They compared what they knew (Georgia) with what they didn’t know (North Carolina).

As parents, my wife and I realized that we needed to help our boys plant roots in Raleigh-Durham. As far as we can know, God’s will is that this will be “home” for them. But their life experience didn’t confirm this reality. We believed this was an important part of their discipleship because it was an important part of their sense of identity – where are you from?

The problem was its hard to do a Bible study at an early-elementary level on a “theology of place” as it relates to your personal identity. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I want to tackle that subject at the graduate level.

But living missionally is largely contingent upon having a sense of belonging to the place that you live. I don’t know many effective missionaries or pastors who do not have a deep sense of belonging to the place they live.

So what did we do? We brainstormed a way to help our boys bond with our city. What was our answer? Chili cheese dog adventures. My oldest son loves them and my youngest son idolizes his brother. So we pitched the idea and they loved it.

From there it was simple. We did an on-line search for all the hotdog joints in RDU. Now whenever we have a free afternoon, we hit one (pictures available on Facebook). Now my boys frequently ask, “Papa, when can we go on another chili cheese dog adventure?” It makes for great conversations.

My hope for these adventures would be:

  1. My boys bond with our city and begin to feel at home in a new place.
  2. My relationship with my boys is strengthened as we have another set of memories together.
  3. My boys will have a positive experience of their family following God’s lead.

What is the take away from this blog? It’s not that every father should take his children on a highly unhealthy food adventure. The point is that discipleship is rooted in relationship. In this case, my boys were beginning to see every relationship except our core family as transient. We could also hear hints of the belief that following God creates more loss than gain.

In this case, I believe the best way to disciple my boys was with something like our “Chili Cheese Dog Adventures.” They weren’t having an intellectual struggle. They were having an emotional-relational struggle. Until I helped them bond with this city, little that I shared about following God’s lead to RDU would impact them in a positive way.

So the take away questions would be – What are the challenges that your children are facing? What are the best ways to set up the truths they need to learn about who God is and how they should live to glorify Him? Be creative and remember that discipleship is rooted in relationship, so develop your relationship with them in a way that prepares the way for your discipleship efforts.

Family Devotions from the “Overcoming Anger” Seminar

by brad on September 26, 2012 in Event Promotion with No comments

One of the desires of The Summit Counseling ministry is to be a part of the “normal” church life. We do not want to be a church with a counseling ministry (read “on the side; just for crisis cases”).  We want to be a church that uses our counseling ministry to EQUIP our members to counsel one another and our community.

We have put a great deal of time, energy, and conversation into designing the counseling ministry to strengthen existing ministries or core values of our church. This is something we are passionate about and want to continue to refine.

There are several ways that we have sought to accomplish this:

  • Each counseling initiative is designed to lead participants into a small group
  • The focal point of change in each counseling initiative is the Gospel
  • Counseling seminars are written and recorded to be available as small group studies

There is another core value the counseling EQUIP seminars want to strengthen – parents are the primary discipler of their children. Part of discipling our children is teaching them how to handle their anger, anxiety, conflict, grief, etc… in biblical ways. For this reason, each counseling EQUIP seminar will have an appendix that applies the material covered at a child’s level and in a family devotion format.

The following sample is taken from the second point of the upcoming “Overcoming Anger” seminar.

Devotion for Luke 6:43-45. Give your children a visual of the key teaching in this passage. Take a glass of water and shake it. When water comes out, ask, “Why did water come out of the glass?” Most likely they will answer, “Because you shook it.” Kindly say, “No,” and repeat the question emphasizing the word water. After a couple tries tell them, “Water came out of the glass because water was in the glass. If it were a glass of milk and I shook it milk would have come out.”

Our hearts are like that glass. When life shakes us the content of our heart is revealed. We cannot blame our sinful actions on the things that happen outside of us. “You cannot blame your brother taking your toy as why you hit him anymore than I should blame your disobedience for why I yell at you. In those situations you wanted to enjoy the toy more than to love your brother and I let my desire for a peaceful evening override my responsibility to honor you.”

Use this conversation as another opportunity to present the Gospel to your child. Christ comes to change hearts. He wants to keep their hearts and minds healthy. Only Jesus can change our hearts. Talk about how you still need the Gospel even as a Christian parent.

Follow Up Study: The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones – “God Sends Help” starting on page 326.

We hope to see a large number of our parents at this event and pray that God will use it to strengthen our families. Here is the PDF version of the full family devotion appendix from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar (Overcoming Anger Family Devotions). There is at least one devotion for each of the nine steps to be covered in this presentation.

OVERCOMING ANGER
Dates: September 29 and October 6, 2012
Times: 4:00 to 5:30 pm and 6:00 to 7:30 pm
Location: The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue
Address: 2415 Presidential Drive; Durham, NC 27703
Cost: Free
RSVP: Click Here (Only 500 seats per presentation)

Special Trip III: Preparing My Youngest Son for Kindergarten

by brad on August 22, 2012 in Personal Entry with 2 Comments

One of the things I have found most satisfying as a parent is defining special occasions and major lessons with a memorable trip. In previous posts I have discussed the kindergarten right of passage trip I took with my first son and a trip we took when he was especially discouraged at school. This post is about the kindergarten right of passage trip I recently took with my youngest son (pictures on Facebook).

With each trip I am learning things I would do differently. But the memories and value of each trip far outweigh the changes. Our schedule for this trip was to leave early Friday morning and get a cinnamon roll breakfast (his favorite) before going to the Tweetsie Railroad amusement park (he loves trains).

When asked what he wanted to do on his special trip, he immediately said, “Climb a mountain.” So Friday night we stayed at Ridgecrest Retreat Center and climbed a mountain. Saturday we drove to Atlanta to catch a Braves game that evening. On the final day we went to the Georgia Aquarium (he loves animals) and got steaks (his other favorite food) on our way home.

Here are my thoughts on the trip (some serious, some playful).

  • It was worth every minute of planning and dollar we invested in the trip. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive, but I highly recommend this discipleship and bonding activity.
  • I believe my son knows that he is headed into a new season of life. As his father, I want to frame the significance of the moments instead of letting them slip by or be defined by someone else.
  • For a younger brother who adores his big brother (often using him as a security blanket), taking this kind of trip on his own was important for his sense of independence and confidence.
  • Tailoring the trip around your kid’s interest (trains, animals, and favorite foods) is a great way to remind them that you know them and enjoy them.
  • Keep the Bible study time simple. We mainly focused on Luke 2:40. I looked for several occasions to emphasize how Jesus grew in wisdom, strength, and favor with God. Several times I prayed over my son out loud asking for these things for him and that God would use him to change the world.
  • Setting my son up to succeed was a joy. I could tell going into the trip he feared his mouth had written a check (climbing a mountain) his feet couldn’t cash. Our “climb” was a ¾ mile walk up a paved, steep hill to a great view. When he got to the top, he felt like a champion.
  • Improv to build the memories. There were “Beware of Bears” flyers at the camp ground. Again, my son faced his fears to climb the mountain. Later we stopped at Bass Pro Shop to get his picture with a stuffed bear. We told Mama about the flyers after we got back down.
  • My son was so excited about having climbed a mountain that we had to do again in the morning before we left for Atlanta. He was thrilled to tell his brother and be the only kindergartner who had climbed a mountain. On the way up the second time he said, “Papa, I love you with the same love I love Mama with.” That was a gold standard promotion coming from a little boy who usually growls at anyone (including Mama) who says, “I love you,” to him.
  • Go out for late night ice cream. We’ve done this on each trip and the quality of conversation has been incredible. Kids tend to talk when they know they should be asleep.
  • Use gifts to cement the memories. A children’s pack of binoculars and compass made the outdoor adventure more real. I pray each time he plays with these he remembers our adventure.
  • Things you should say frequently on this kind of trip, “I love you… I enjoy being your Papa… These are memories I’ll never forget… I believe God will use you to change the world.”
  • Don’t tank as a parent when something goes badly. The baseball game was a complete dud. My son was bored and disinterested. All he wanted to do was to climb to the top of the stadium (still enamored with his mountain accomplishment) and explore the cheap seats.
  • Make sure you leave time for rest. If your child doesn’t get time to sleep because the schedule is too full, the end of the trip will likely go poorly.
  • Teaching him to eat cold pizza for breakfast was another fun way to reinforce that he is getting older.
  • Don’t compare. The experiences with my oldest and youngest son’s trips were very different. At times I could feel myself wanting to recreate what I enjoyed about the first one. That would have robbed this trip of its unique joys.
  • Review the trip together. On the way home we talked through our trip – activities, meals, conversations, and silly stories. It was a subtle way to reinforce the lessons I wanted to implant and help to cement this experience in his memory.

Note from Special Trip II: Six months after that trip, we were doing family worship and came to Matthew 5:13-16. I asked my oldest if he remembered that passage. Without hesitation he said, “That was what we talked about in the hot tub on our special trip when things were going bad at school.”

As a parent, that is what I want. I want my boys to remember the significant and challenging seasons of their lives were times when Papa was uniquely present and that the Bible spoke into those moments in special ways. When my son can connect those dots that clearly six months later, I become even more excited about these trips.

What’s the Difference Between Punishment, Consequences, Discipline, Training, and Instruction?

by brad on August 3, 2012 in Application Supplement with 2 Comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon on Hebrews 12 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday August 4-5, 2012.

The author of Hebrews starts chapter twelve by calling the reader to “lay aside every weight and sin (v. 1).” There are things that unnecessarily interfere with life (wisdom issues – folly) and things that are wrong (moral issues – sin). This distinction is important for understanding the description of God’s fatherly actions in the coming verses.

Before we get to that, it is important to differentiate five terms that we often view as synonyms, or at least highly overlapping in meaning.

  • Punishment – Extra negative consequences applied by a moral authority for the purpose of opening blind eyes or softening a hard heart (i.e., spanking, time out, or financial penalty).
  • Consequences – Natural implications of bad decisions of sin or folly (i.e., failing a test after neglecting to study or have a rusted bike after leaving it in the rain).
  • Discipline – The structures of life that are implemented to make wisdom and righteousness easier to see and obtain (i.e., daily and weekly routine that is balanced and reasonable).
  • Training – The actions and practices required in order to make wisdom and righteousness a more natural “habit” (i.e., chores, family devotions)
  • Instruction – The verbal explanations that put into words the principles and values which under gird discipline and training (i.e., conversations after foolish or sinful choices).

What does God do when His children fail to “lay aside every weight and sin”? Hebrews 12:6 says that God disciplines those He loves. But that word encompasses each of the corrective techniques referenced above. We hear elements of each in how God calls us to care for one another in I Thessalonians 5:14, “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”

God is not a one-size-fits-all, cookie-cutter methodology parent. God would not say of His upbringing (if He had one), “If it was good enough for me, then I guess its good enough for my kids” as an excuse for a lazy, reactionary parental response.

God knows that the shaping of a child requires a home environment that models wisdom by example and system (discipline). God knows that shaping a child requires the regular requirement to actively participate in the habits of wisdom and righteousness (training).

God knows his children will fail regardless of the system He creates. Therefore God allows his children to experience the impact of their failure as a learning experience (consequences). If we are willfully committed to our sin or folly, God will leverage additional consequences as an act of grace to rescue us from ourselves (punishment).

God knows that a child’s heart will not fully understand discipline, training, and consequences without explanation that is calm and clear (instruction). Yet God’s interaction with His children never creates the fear of abandonment, because the wrath our sin deserves was applied to Christ on our behalf. Therefore we are safe even as God deals with our sin.

This is hard work. Every parent who tries to model this for his/her children can testify to this. The fact that God would do this for us shows us that He values us as His “legitimate children” (v. 8). Our calling as parents is to study the pattern of God and model it for our children. As you read through the Bible, look for these five types of interaction by God with His people. Use that to remind you of God’s fatherly involvement in your life and shape your interaction with your own children.

Contented Contentment

by brad on March 28, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

I used to think that contentment merely meant being satisfied with what God provided. With this definition all I had to do was to avoid grumbling and anxiety (easier said than done), and I passed the contentment test.

But I realized I was cheating, or, at least, that my definition was incomplete. I was only measuring contentment by my attitude towards “stuff” not the “time” I exchanged for that stuff for or the “drive” that fueled the time I traded for stuff.

The harder I worked and the more I did, the more God provided. I could expand my margins of contentment through a good work ethic, sound financial management, and a strong entrepreneurial drive. I don’t think these things are bad, they just allowed me to avoid a key area of my character development.

When I only looked at contentment as a money issue, I could unhealthily pull on “my” reserves of time and energy to equal the ledger for my desire for stuff.

Further, this definition served my flesh well, because I value achievement much more than I value stuff. So not only could I cheat the self-defined system, I could become more self-righteous as I did it. Contentment was a virtue for greedy people not ambitious people – I wasn’t “one of them.”

As I have wrestled with this expanded definition of contentment, I have realized that contentment was not a limit God put on me (be satisfied with less), but a gift of rest God offers and wants me to embrace. God offers contentment to people at every point on the socio-economic spectrum and at every rung on the ladder of success.

Now my definition for contentment goes like this, “Contentment is being satisfied with what God provides when we exercise our God given gifts and abilities within a godly stewardship of our time and relationships for God’s glory.”

This view of contentment is harder to cheat. At least it is new enough that my flesh has not been able to exercise its full creative energies upon it yet.

In my contented (i.e., restfully sane) moments, I don’t want to cheat this definition. When I truly see that contentment is the rest that God wants to inject into everything I do, I run to this virtue not away from it.

This challenges me with a larger question, “What is wrong with me that I do not always see every virtue that God offers me in Christ as a gift? How can my moral vision be so skewed that death looks like life?”

For me, and I suspect for many others, the answer is pride. I resist rest because it insults me. Rest reminds me that God is capable of everything even when I’m doing nothing. Rest shows me how little my effort actually adds to God’s sovereignty.

Rest reminds me that God involves me because He loves me and takes pleasure in my pleasure as I express the gifts He gave me. When I am content enough to see this, it gives me a joy that makes my work and my rest the life-sustaining pleasure they were intended to be.

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