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This is final post in my blog series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.”

Chances are if your spouse or a counselor asked you to read parts of this series it has been a tough pill to swallow. Sure you’ve said and done some of those things, but does that mean you belong in some “special category” of bad spouses? What about your spouse; he/she isn’t perfect, where is the critique of his/her faults?

Maybe your response wasn’t defensive. Maybe it was a deep sense of shame and hopelessness. Reading sections of this material was like looking in an unpleasant mirror you’ve tried hard to ignore. Now that you see it, you just want to shut down or run away so that “everyone can have a better life without you messing it up.”

Neither the aggressive response of defensiveness nor the passive response of self-pity benefits you, your marriage, or your family (if you have children). There is no good response that does not begin with a humble deep breath and a commitment to allow others (pastor, counselor, and trusted Christian friends) to walk with you towards a healthy marriage.

This series has laid out what needs to happen next (to the degree that a short series of posts can). So my goal here is not to add to your “to do” list. My main goal in this final post is to communicate one point – this series is not against you, it is for your marriage.

This series was not written to “beat up” anyone. Believing this will be a major challenge for you in the coming days and weeks. I genuinely wish I could tell you that admitting the struggle was the hardest part. But in this case that is not true. Chances are you have seen it in the past and have chosen to go back to being blind. You have likely even committed to changing in the past and found it too overwhelming.

Changing from being a self-centered person is hard, because being self-centered is not a habit you “do” but a way of approaching life and relationships. Considering other people is likely to feel weak, scary, or just really confusing. The closest comparison to what you will experience is “culture shock” – the experience of being somewhere you don’t know the language, customs, currency, or history.

As you change, initially it will feel like your spouse is always right, winning, or getting his/her way. This is why it is so important to involve other people. Your spouse isn’t perfect and will be facing his/her own journey of change. But you are not the one to tell him/her when that is problematic in a given situation.

Even these statements may not bring the level of encouragement you hoped for (or that I would prefer to give), so let me conclude with two brief messages.

First, there is hope. The road ahead of you can have a happy ending. God will honor humble steps of faith. It may be that you come to understand the good news of the gospel for the first time on this journey, or it may be that you allow your Christian faith to transform parts of your life that have been “off limits” until now. But the pride-laden shame that believes your mess is larger than God can restore is the first thing you need to let go of in order to receive the hope God offers.

Second, it is worth it. You may be wondering if the “cure is worse than the disease” after what you’ve read. The answer is “No.” These posts were based upon the teaching of Scripture, divinely inspired by the God who loved you enough to die in your place. No one that loving and wise would push you “from the frying pan to the fire.”

The next, and absolutely vital step, is that you begin to enlist those who will walk with you on this journey. If you try to do this alone with your spouse, you will relapse and having read this material will only make you more cynical that even God’s way didn’t work. As you finish reading, you need to make a phone call to your pastor or a mutually trusted Christian friend. After explaining what you’re committing to, you then need to find a counselor who is experienced in working with marriages that have experienced the prolonged strain of self-centeredness.

As you prepare to move from reading to confessing to a pastor or friend, hear the words from God that define this moment for you:

“I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live.” Deuteronomy 30:19

This is the final post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine four key markers of genuine change and in the process discusses who should be involved in the helping relationships that surround this type of marital restoration work.

Not Concerned with Groveling

As we prepare to examine the final characteristic of authentic change, let’s review how we got here. We looked at Matthew 7:1-6 to determine that Jesus did recognize cases of chronically self-centered relationships as exceptions to standard biblical protocols. We sought to learn how to understand self-centered, manipulative relationships and how to most effectively respond in these unhealthy situations.

Finally, we have looked at how to determine if genuine change is occurring, who to involve in that discernment, and what the roles of key people should be. Admittedly this will have been an uncomfortable journey for everyone involved; maybe not least of all for the offending spouse. Having to express humility, patience, and involving external accountability may feel like a lot to “concede.”

This is why the final mark of genuine change is so important – the offending spouse must not construe what he/she is doing as “groveling.” The steps that have been outlined are severe. They cut to the core of what has been plaguing the marriage and call for a level of intervention that involves the couple’s social network.

But this is not “going the extra mile,” “being sensitive to the offended spouse’s feelings,” “trying to go along with whatever the counselor says,” or “jumping through flaming hoops to prove something.” All of these images make the change process sound like punishment that places the offended spouse in charge for a brief season until the offending spouse feels like he/she has “been good long enough” or “served my time.”

These actions are nothing more than the reasonable acts of repentance and restoration after an extended season of manipulatively (intentional or not) sinning against one’s spouse and family.

To portray these evidences of genuine change as groveling is to recast repentance into the old self-centered narrative. This error runs the great risk of derailing all of the progress (which may have given every other reason to be trusted).

Repentance doesn’t mean the offended person “wins.” It simply means that the offending person quits losing. For the offending spouse to construe this as their spouse “getting everything their way” and “I have to suck it up and take it because I’ve been bad” is absolutely, unequivocally, unacceptably wrong.

What has happened? At this stage we have merely gotten back to (or at least are on our way to) neutral. At this stage, if repentance is not mistaken for groveling, the couple can begin to turn the corner from marital restoration to marital enrichment.

Marital restoration is dealing with a major crisis or chronic condition which threatens the ability of a marriage to function healthily. Marital enrichment takes a marriage that is functioning relatively healthily and refines aspects of the marriage to better fit the individual preferences of each spouse or new challenges that arise with new seasons of life.

There can be no “winning” (one spouse’s preferences being enacted over the other’s) until the transition is made from restoration to enrichment. Until this transition, all changes are made because they are essential to the health of the marriage and rooted in morality (not preference).

It is at this point, when genuine repentance is not mistaken for groveling, that the couple can begin to engage the marriage books, conferences, or counseling they tried before addressing the chronic self-centeredness and begin to see progress. While the couple may have grown cynical about these kinds of marriage enrichment practices in the past, they should now be able to engage them with fresh hope realizing they are coming to them from a much different place.

This is the fifteenth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine four key markers of genuine change and in the process discusses who should be involved in the helping relationships that surround this type of marital restoration work.

External Accountability

Rarely are we humble and patient in isolation. The more we restrict our sphere of being socially known, the more we create an environment given to pride and demanding quick results. Consider this: why is there more crime per capita in a city than in a rural setting? A primary reason is because people are more anonymous (less known) to the people surrounding them in cities.

When the chronically self-centered spouse is not honest about his/her actions to trusted Christian friends, then his/her spouse and kids are the “only ones who complain.” When this is the case, the offended spouse is forced to choose between “nagging” (as it would be perceived), excusing the behavior (living in denial), or leaving (another action with vilifies the offended spouse).

Until the self-centered spouse reverses this dynamic with honest confession without downplaying events (intensity or duration) to trusted outsiders, this dynamic will continue. These “trusted outsiders” should include three types of people:

1. A pastor or elder with spiritual authority over the family (if the offending spouse is a church member).
2. A counselor with experience working with relationships involving active or passive manipulative dynamics.
3. A mature Christian couple who is mutually trusted by both husband and wife.

Coming out of a chronically self-centered approach to life, of which marriage was likely only a part, will not be a short-term, easy process. Placing the full role of guidance and support on one individual (pastor, counselor, or friend) is unrealistic and confounds roles that can best be accomplished separately.

The pastor or elder is there for authority (the abusive or neglectful behavior will not be accepted by a church member in good standing). The counselor is there to provide guidance (detailing the manipulative patterns that exist beyond the pinnacle experiences the couple’s attention naturally gravitates towards and providing biblical counsel). The mature couple is there for relational support (both spouses will doubtless face discouragement and want to give up or say it’s too hard before the journey is complete).

The offended spouse should not be the one who asks for this level of involvement. It is doubtful the offending spouse will volunteer for this level of intervention. This guidance needs to come from the first person who is enlisted as an experienced advisor (pastor or counselor). This initial advisor must be able to articulate the necessity of this amount of involvement. It is usually several meetings into a counseling relationship before the helping relationship before an assessment can be made to substantiate this recommendation.

It is at this stage in the process that the offended spouse can begin to learn to trust. No longer is the offended spouse making isolated judgments based upon information the offending spouse is in primary control over. The offended spouse can begin to trust the various people (pastor, counselor, and couple) who are hearing the past and present interactions without the fearful biases of emotional/financial dependence or the sense of rushed-ness to “keep the peace for the kids.”

Submitting to this amount of involvement is a significant demonstration of humility and patience by the offending spouse. It surrenders control over major areas of personal and family information and decision making. Beyond this it also requires denouncing a common lie that seeks to undermine genuine repentance – if I do what repentance and change requires, I will be groveling. That will be the final quality of authentic change addressed.

This is the fourteenth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine four key markers of genuine change and in the process discusses who should be involved in the helping relationships that surround this type of marital restoration work.

Patience

If the first fruit of humility is listening well, the second fruit of humility is patience. When a humble person hears the pain their selfishness has caused, they do not rush (a form of demand) a gracious response. So if a spouse who has been chronically self-centered begins to repent, he/she will be patient with your growth in trust.

This is important because rushed trust is like forcing sleep; it doesn’t happen. Trying to measure or accelerate trust is like taking a seed out of its soil to see if it’s sprouted; even if it begins, the measuring stunts its progress. This has implications for both you and your spouse. It is like continually opening an oven when you’re in a hurry to get a cake to bake; each time you open the oven you let the heat (trust) out.

Your spouse must realize what he/she can control (their growth in character and care) and what he/she cannot control (the pace of your growth in trust). For a season, your spouse must find satisfaction in becoming more of the spouse God called them to be without the typical relational affirmations that will accompany these actions in the future.

Patience will reveal itself by how your spouse interprets this season. It is self-centered impatience to begin casting a cynical narrative – “I haven’t gotten out of this marriage what I wanted when I was bad. I’m not getting what I want now that I’m being good. I’ll never get what I want. You’ll always win and be in control.” That is a false narrative.

A true narrative that emanates from patience would see – “I set the emotional tone in our marriage for year. I was in control. I won or everybody lost. You are learning to see me as a safe person and that you can rely on the changes I’m making. It is hard for me to be patient because I want affirmation of my change, but it is harder for you to trust because you want to avoid being crushed by false hope again.”

Those are not easy words to say; even for a person who is comfortable being humble, patient, and other-minded. You can give your spouse grace in his/her struggle to see things this way (sometimes getting it, other times not). But the key is that the true narrative must ultimately prevail over the cynical narrative.

A key to this change in narrative is the social dynamics of change. Narratives do not change in private. If all of your spouse’s friends see him/her as the same person they did before, it will be hard to accept that things need to change this significantly at home. This brings us to the third evidence of genuine change – the willing embrace of external accountability.

But before we examine that, it is important to consider what patience will mean for you. You must relinquish the tendency to self-monitor your level of trust. If you perpetually ask yourself, “Will I ever be able to trust him/her again? Will I ever feel the way I once did? Do I feel more trust than I did yesterday or last week?” chances are the answer will be “no.”

In the same way that your spouse’s pressure and questioning can stifle the growth of your trust, you own measuring and self-monitoring can stifle your growth in trust. The purpose of this final section is to give you tangible evidences of genuine change to divert your attention from reading your internal trust temperature gauge. If you look for humility marked by good listening and patience with the willingness to embrace external accountability give thanks for those things and allow your trust to grow at its own pace.

This is the thirteenth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine four key markers of genuine change and in the process discusses who should be involved in the helping relationships that surround this type of marital restoration work.

Humility

How do you know when you are talking to a humble person? You are comfortable talking and they ask good questions. A humble person isn’t worried about getting trapped in his/her words or winning the conversation. If the humble person is wrong, he/she is willing to admit it. Even if his/her “wrongness” is still debatable, the humble person is willing to discuss it.

The foundational character change that needs to occur in the life of a chronically self-centered spouse is to grow in humility. The tell-tale indicator of whether he/she has grown in humility will be whether his/her ability to listen is improving.

When we don’t listen well we are trapped in our own way of thinking about and interpreting life. Bad listeners are by definition self-centered. Consider this description of humility.

“Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call ‘humble’ nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him (p. 128).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

So when you wonder if your spouse is truly changing, you do not need to look for behavioral actions (i.e., being more helpful around the house, being more romantic, spending extra time with the kids, etc…). All of these are good, but they can be done without humility. They can be penance or leverage.

What you should look for first is humility expressed by listening. Can you express fear, hurt, insecurity, differences of opinion, dreams, plans, or thoughts on daily events and these be met with gracious, concerned responses? Gracious concerned responses would include open ended questions, compassion, confession of ways he/she contributed to these experiences if negative, or thoughts on how he/she could expand these experiences if positive.

This gives you an answer to the defensive questions you’ve likely been asked, “What do you want from me? How can I please you?” The largest part of that answer should be simple and clear, “I want you to hear me. I want you to listen with humility and patience so that I feel safe talking with my spouse in my home.” If that request is met with resistance, then there is no reason to make any others at that time.

It is important to realize that if your spouse has been self-centered for an extended period of time, the stability in your ability or willingness trust will be affected. It will likely take some time for you to grow comfortable trusting. This is normal and leads us to the next quality that is evidence of authentic change – patience.

This is the twelfth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine guidelines for how to live at peace with a self-centered spouse “as far as it depends on you ” (Rom. 12:18). These are not prescriptions with the promise of a better marriage, but wisdom principles that will allow you to inject as much peace  into a situation as your spouse will allow.

Talking About the Past

Discussing the past is a classic Catch-22 with a chronically self-centered spouse. If the past is not brought up then, the self-centered spouse treats each moment as if it had no history (i.e., no reason for you to be afraid, upset, bracing, etc…). If the past is brought up, then you are “being unforgiving and nothing is going to get better as long as you only focus on the negative, especially parts of history we can’t change.”

The book of Proverbs provides excellent guidance for these lose-lose moments in life, “Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes (26:4-5).” We learn from this passage that there is no one right way to respond to someone who isn’t humble or self-aware enough to receive the truth.

But this passage does not allow this “realism” to result in cynical, hopeless silence. We are directed to speak up (at times) in the face of folly. There are two guiding principles for when we should speak.

1. Are we in emotional self-control or will we descend into foolish speech (v. 4)?
2. Is there reason to believe there is a window of humility for our words to be received (v. 5)?

While these principles do not apply specifically to discussing the past, they do provide direction on when it is worth this conversational risk that is necessary for sustainable, long-term improvement in the marriage. In this post, we will assume you are in a moment when the two criteria are met and it is wise for you to speak.

Emphasize the pattern over the event. Events cannot be changed; patterns can. It is easy, especially when we are upset or offended, for our examples to drown out our point. When this happens, accusations of bitterness are harder to refute and you become a distraction from your message.

What does this sound like? Lead with a description of the pattern (i.e., “This is another example of refusing the basic transparency that allows for a healthy marriage.”). If the statement is met with a counter-attack (i.e., “Well, then why don’t you tell me about [blank]?), then it is unlikely that criteria two is being met.

If a seemingly honest question is asked, then the strongest single example should be given (i.e., “I do not have access to your personal cell phone account even though you used that phone to arrange your affair and said I would have access to your on-line call history.”).  If the conversation cannot stick on that subject, then both criteria one and two will soon be violated.

If the conversation does remain on subject, then don’t get lost in the example. You can get cell phone access and not have a better marriage or peace of mind. The point was transparency emanating from the pursuit of a healthy marriage. If the point is maintained, then express more appreciation for the humility and cooperativeness than access to the ongoing phone records.

Likely in this conversation the subject of forgiveness will arise. Forgiveness for an ongoing, chronic sin does not involve a “clean slate” of trust. That would actually be unloving (not to mention impossible). Willingness to work on restoration is a powerful example of the presence of forgiveness in a chronically self-centered marriage.

However, when this debate begins it is another sign that criteria two has been violated. The time of productive conversation is likely coming to a close. If there seems to be some window of humility remaining, then differentiating forgiveness (relinquishing bitterness) and restoration (working towards making something what it once was or was intended to be) may be advisable.

Regardless, at this point, you need to begin to prepare yourself to disengage the conversation and praying for the next opportunity for a fruitful conversation. Otherwise you will quickly violate criteria one and become a distraction from what you desire to see accomplished.

This is the tenth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine guidelines for how to live at peace with a self-centered spouse “as far as it depends on you ” (Rom. 12:18). These are not prescriptions with the promise of a better marriage, but wisdom principles that will allow you to inject as much peace  into a situation as your spouse will allow.

You Must Not Whither

In most conversations when you respond well, there is an emotional affirmation that follows – you sense that there is hope. In a conversation with a chronically self-centered spouse, “healthy” is most often met with derision or some other form of displeasure.

There is a cycle that develops. You walk away from a conversation that went badly, reflect, and try to find a healthier way to engage. For a while, you come up with better alternatives that you believe might work. You try to implement your new approach only to get a similar response.

As this cycle continues you feel stupid, defeated, and begin to believe that maybe you really are the central problem. Often the spouse begins to be deeply torn between wanting to know what else he/she could do to help the marriage and feeling cynical / fearful / blamed by any alternatives offered.

The first step out of this relational-emotional storm is to be able to remain calm in the face of your spouse’s displeasure. The common responses are:

• Fearful – Believing that your spouse’s displeasure means that you’ve done something wrong.
• Angry – Perceiving the falseness of your spouse’s reaction and wanting to battle for the truth.
• Callous – Realizing that your response will not be the deciding factor in whether these moments are different.

But “calm” is not fearful, angry, or callous. Calm is unsurprised and unrushed. Calm realizes that an “answer” to an accusation is not the solution. Calm does not feel the pressure to please someone who does not want to be pleased. Calm is waiting to care when and if caring can be received.

Ultimately, calm is a mirror. Whereas fear, anger, and callousness put the focus on you, calm puts the focus on the one who is upset. Fear, anger, and callousness get wrapped up in trying to rebuttal or prove the setup. Calm waits and is content not to answer if doing so only feeds the moment (Prov. 26:4-5). Fear, anger, and callousness cause us to whither – exhausted, hopeless, and numb. Calm remains able to care when it is wise to do so.

The question is, “How do I remain ‘calm’ when my spouse is displeased with me?” The key phrase is “with me.” With a chronically self-centered spouse, you must realize they are not primarily displeased with you. You are merely the most frequent context for their displeasure. They are trapped in themselves and you just happen to be the person who lives nearest to their cage.

This realization should allow for a level of compassion that does not need to become a sense of responsibility. The lock to their self-centered cage is on the inside. While they rail at you for their misery, you do not have access to the latch. In fleeting tender moments, your spouse may have admitted as much. These moments are glimmers of genuine hope.

As you become convinced of this picture of your spouse’s misery, you can – by God’s grace – patiently wait for those moments of clarity. Those are the only moments when speaking into your spouse’s displeasure will do any good. Until those moments come, you rest in the knowledge that God calls you not to cast your pearls before pigs or feed wild dogs.

When the people outside your spouse’s cage quit trying to unlock it, but do not quit caring, then that is the best context for conviction to come. Read I Peter 3:1-6 in light of this picture. Conviction must come before the gospel can bring freedom. Like every other person your spouse must die to self before he/she will know the freedom of true life (Luke 9:23-24). Your role is to rest in these truths and surround yourself with a godly, wise support network while you pray for your spouse to surrender to God.

This is the eleventh post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine guidelines for how to live at peace with a self-centered spouse “as far as it depends on you ” (Rom. 12:18). These are not prescriptions with the promise of a better marriage, but wisdom principles that will allow you to inject as much peace  into a situation as your spouse will allow.

Focus Your Requests for Change

With a chronically self-centered spouse, it is easy to become a nag. Even the “nice” moments begin to only feel like leverage that will be used against you later. Then there is the barrage of neglect and/or dishonor that could be confronted. You begin to feel like communication is a choice between attack or condone; nag or ignore.

Many people in this situation give into cynicism with intermittent bouts of rage. Sarcasm or doubt becomes the response to anything good (marital or otherwise) until a moment when he/she just wants someone (spouse, child, friend, co-worker, etc…) to “get it.” When this explosion is on someone other than their spouse and its clear the response is disproportionate, the abused/neglected spouse begins to wonder if he/she “really is crazy.”

This scenario requires an intentional plan for how to address the marital situation. If you try to address the “issue of the day” then you will get drawn into a trap where your spouse says, “I’ll never be able to please you. You want to change everything about me,” and you’ll wonder if you really are being too demanding.

Until you get a consistent acknowledgement of the over-arching problem, don’t try to debate the details.

Don’t get drawn into a temporal discussion when there is a chronic problem. If asked, “What’s wrong now?” Don’t allow the word “now” to frame the conversation as if this moment were unique from the general marital pattern.

Acknowledgement of the over-arching problem often sounds like this:

• I am a selfish person who manipulates you and the kids to get my way.
• I force situations and conversations to fit in molds I am comfortable with.
• I pursue my pleasure in a way that puts our family in difficult situations.
• I intimidate or threaten to leave when I don’t get my way and use fear as a weapon.

When asked “What’s wrong?” or a situation requires confronting, you should tie your confrontation to one of these themes (or one similar that is more relevant). Until this is acknowledged, the two of you will never agree on any of the other details.

Don’t try to have this conversation when your spouse is highly upset or has been drinking. Volatile moments are notoriously ineffective for producing lasting change and often result in great emotional (sometimes physical) harm.

Most chronically self-centered spouses (even the most narcissistic) will have moments when they will acknowledge this reality. When this happens, it is appropriate to affirm this mark of humility. In the next section we will look at what to ask / look for as evidence that this acknowledgement is a step towards lasting change.

However, until this acknowledgement is made your request for change should be (a) highly repetitive and (b) therefore only made during moments when there is reason to believe they will be most receivable.

Repetitive: This does not need to mean “scripted” (the exact same words). But it should be clear that you are not asking for a dozen things. You are asking for one primary change that, if made, will have dozens of implications. But the implications without the core change will be fleeting.

Receivable Moments: The moments when you speak should be marked by one or more of the following qualities (1) there is a clear tie to the pattern of chronic selfishness, (2) you have emotional self-control, (3) substance impairment or social shame are not complicating factors, and (4) your spouse is listening and not stone-walling or asking rhetorical questions. This is not a “recipe for success” – meaning if you do it this way your spouse will respond. But the absence of these factors does mean that your core message will begin to get lost or damaged by the context in which it is raised.

This is the ninth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts nine through twelve we will examine guidelines for how to live at peace with a self-centered spouse “as far as it depends on you ” (Rom. 12:18). These are not prescriptions with the promise of a better marriage, but wisdom principles that will allow you to inject as much peace  into a situation as your spouse will allow.

Finding the Starting Point

This point has already been alluded to several times in this series of posts. But it is essential to thinking clearly and communicating effectively in a marriage to a self-centered spouse. This point represents a watershed distinction in the focal point of change. What is written here only applies when the relationship has moved past the first two stages described in Matthew 7:1-5 and reached the Matthew 7:6 level of destructiveness.

Once these levels of aggressive or passive destructiveness have been reached they must be acknowledged and addressed before any other type of marital intervention will have a lasting impact. Yet by the time this level of dysfunction is reached it will be such the “normal” for the marriage that the situationally unique events can easily become the focus of counseling. The passively self-centered spouse will predominantly use self-pity to move counseling in that direction. The actively self-centered spouse will use various forms of manipulation.

But both spouses must come to realize what it means to say that, “Abuse is not a marital issue.”

When one person is willing to jeopardize the physical or emotional safety of another, then no marital issue is of greater importance than the self-centeredness of the offending spouse. To address “marital issues” in this context is a drastic form of minimizing the offenses that have occurred. To believe that refining situational variables is going to cease the self-centeredness is like giving money to an alcoholic believing it will help them get sober by alleviating financial pressure.

For this reason, counseling in a self-centered marriage should not be marriage counseling. Both spouses should be counseled separately until they can consistently acknowledge that the abusive (or chronically neglectful) actions are the predominant issue and discuss their day-to-day challenges in light of this reality. To do otherwise is to confuse marital enrichment (refining a marriage within the bounds of “healthy” to become increasingly enjoyable) with marital restoration (focused attention at changing a problem that is a threat to the marriage).

It is common for the self-centered spouse to resist this approach to counseling saying, “It can’t be entirely my fault we are where we are. I thought marriage problems were 50-50 issues.” This is an attempt to reframe the problem as a “marital issue.” By the time we get to Matthew 7:6 there has been a persistent unwillingness to address the marital issues that have resulted in a significant marital deterioration and a major shift in the power dynamics of the relationship. Until this is humbly acknowledged, efforts at restoring the marriage would only reinforce, or at best leave in place, this imbalance.

“How long do you expect me to pay for my sins? How long am I expected to grovel for what I’ve done? I thought Christians were supposed to forgive.” Each of these statements is a form of evasion. They imply unforgiveness for a sin that is being minimized. They are an attempt use God and guilt to turn the tables and make themselves the victim of their own offenses.

“Well, I know I can’t talk about anything my wife did wrong… I’m not sure if I’m allowed to talk about what happened this week… Do you want to hear my side of the story?” Each of these statements attempts to make the counselors firmness in requiring acknowledgement of the abuse as being more restrictive than the self-centered spouse’s actions in his home. They are an attempt to portray that nothing he says can be right and make the restoration process seem futile.

These questioning games played by the self-centered spouse are an attempt to force the clean up of his sin-mess to be neater than the mess allows. Until these blame-shifting, self-pity questions cease and the self-centered pattern of living is focused on as the main issue, the counselor will serve as referee or prosecuting attorney if he/she tries to counsel the couple together.

The self-centered spouse is acknowledging the abuse as the main issue when he can consistently say things like, “Here is how I see what happened this week, can you help me see what I’m missing? I realize how much I emphasize my emotions and minimize others. I saw it again this week, when… My wife and I had a bad argument this week and each time I replay it I still think she’s totally wrong, but I’m learning not to trust myself that way. Can I tell you how I remember it?” And then receive instruction and correction without becoming defensive.

This is the ninth post in a sixteen part series on “Marriage with a Chronically Self-Centered Spouse.” In the posts six through eight we will examine four broad types of self-centeredness: (a) low relational intelligence, (b) lazy or apathetic, (c) situational explosiveness, and (d) intentional manipulation. This order is chosen to follow the Matthew 7:1-6 pattern of giving grace even in how we address level three marriage problems.

Feeling Scared, Crazy, and Stupid

When living with an intentionally-manipulative, self-centered spouse you feel scared, crazy, and stupid. It is clear that he understands what he is doing, unlike the low relational intelligence, self-centered spouse. During the times of “peace” it feels like information is harvested to be used against you during conflict.

A key trait with the intentionally manipulative spouse is the lack of remorse after being clearly wrong. The argument or incident is inevitably turned back on you, even seeming apologies are accusatory. This creates a sense of being “crazy” (giving him the upper hand in any conversation) and “scared” (his ability to rest combined with you’re being always on-edge adds to the sense of feeling crazy).

There are several danger signs of an intentionally-manipulative, self-centered spouse. The first is that he isolates you from family and friends unless he is present. A big part of manipulation is defining the world of your victim. This requires being aware of what other people are saying so he is able to counter what does not align with his agenda.

Often family and friends are vilified for not adhering to positions the self-centered spouse claims are essential. The abused spouse is shamed for wanting to associate with people who would not agree with his standards. Combining shame with isolation makes it more likely that the abused spouse will not step out of his control.

The second danger sign is set up scenarios. “You can [blank] if you want to,” but if the abused spouse takes him up on this offer, there will be hell to pay. Or it may come in the form of a question that leads on direction, but the “right” answer is the opposite.

The effect of outbursts (anger or shame) to these set up scenarios is that the abused spouse questions her judgment about everything.  Questions and choices are associated as social land mines. What can you do that doesn’t require answering a question or making a choice? Isolation is reinforced by fear-based paralysis.

The third danger sign is answering questions with questions. When given time to think without being rattled, the abused spouse can put what is happening into reasonable, non-threatening questions. These moments of clarity bring flashes of hope that they will be heard because they have something worth saying. But in order to avoid the only logical response (which would require admission of abuse) the self-centered spouse counters with a question.

The return question either changes (“But you’re missing the point, what about…?”) the subject or is condemning (“How could you think…?”). The abused spouse is placed in a dangerous position at this point – rebuttal and risk being attacked, or acquiesce and surrender to his version of reality.

The fourth danger sign is the consistent tone of condescension towards those with whom he disagrees. It takes great emotional and relational strength to stand up to a tone of condescension in conversation. Imagine the strength and skill necessary to politely respond to someone asking, “Do you really think…?” or “What good will it do to…?” and giving a simplistic, caricature of what you just said.

The intentionally-manipulative, self-centered spouse will not remain in a relationship with anyone who can answer his condescending tone. To be able to answer his question is to show a level of authority, competency, and comfort which does not allow him to rule in the way he desires.

In a counseling case like this, it is important to realize that the self-centered spouse will quickly seek to undermine counseling. For this reason the initial counseling objectives have to do with protecting the abused spouse from being drawn back into isolation.

1. If the abused spouse comes alone to the first appointment (most likely), then patiently do a thorough assessment of the type of abuse before inviting or alerting the spouse to counseling. Once an “outsider” has been identified, counseling is likely to be shut down.
2. If a separation is needed for safety, then strongly reinforce to the abused spouse that she should expect intense pressure (anger, shaming, promises, etc…) to return to work on things. The answer to “How can we work on our marriage if we’re not in the same home?” is a manipulative question. It dodges the fact that the primary problem is abuse, not some relational dynamic. This is a form of the third danger sign that seeks to get the abused spouse to begin taking partial responsibility (which will become total) for the abuse.
3. When talking with the self-centered spouse, the primary point to be emphasized is that he has created an unsafe environment for his family to live in. Even if physical abuse is present, it is not enough for him to admit this is wrong. Before any “progress” can be said to have been made, he must consistently (over a number of sessions) see that how he has handled emotions, conflicts, and relationships has been manipulative and unsafe. It is important for the counselor not to get drawn into a debate about this point or become exasperated about his failure to see this. Those responses will be used against the counselor. The counselor must maintain the posture of presenting facts that are essential to any “progress” and accept no other starting points that would not require acknowledging and addressing the manipulative patterns first.