The following message was given at The Summit Church on February 9-10, 2013. It examines the implications of Jesus’ call to discipleship in Luke 9:23-24 for marital conflict and romance.
For the podcast or transcript of this sermon click here.
This sermon represents the core concepts that are developed further in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” seminar series that is comprised of:
The best outcome for marital conflict is neither avoidance nor victory, but honor and unity. We must realize how much the mindset we take into conflict determines the outcome of our disagreements. Many of us feel like conflict is inherently wrong and, therefore, whenever it occurs, feel defeated. Others of us are competitive and when conflict arises have an instinctual “game on” response that generates a “refuse to lose” mindset.
Conflict done well can be the best friend of your marriage. This is not a nicer recasting of the mantra “fight hard; make up hard.” It is a reality rooted in the “two sides of the same coin” relationship between love and anger.
“Anger is the fluid that love bleeds when you cut it (p. 97).” C.S. Lewis in Letters to Malcom
When we get angry or experience love we are saying that something matters a lot. When we get sinfully angry we are saying that this “something” matters more than our spouse (at least in that moment). When we express self-control we are saying that our spouse matters more than this “something.” This is why conflict done well is romantic – it affirms the value of the marriage over life’s circumstances or people’s failures and creates an atmosphere of safety.
The following evaluation is designed to help you assess (1) foundations of healthy conflict, (2) how well you honor differences in marriage, (3) the presence of healthy practices in conflict, (4) red flags in conflict, (5) how well you repent after conflict, and (6) how completely you forgive.
This resource was taken from the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar. Several of the plumblines from this section of the seminar are:
CREATING A GOSPEL-CENTERED MARRIAGE: COMMUNICATION
Part One: Saturday February 16, 2012
Part Two: Saturday February 23, 2012
Presentation By: Brad Hambrick
Time: 4:00 to 5:30 pm or 6:00 to 7:30 pm
Location: The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue
Address: 2415-107 Presidential Drive; Durham, NC 27703
Cost: Free
RSVP: Part One // Part Two
If James 3:2, “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body,” means anything, it means learning about gospel-centered communication could radically change your life.
That is why we are doing the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar February 16 and 23.
With that in mind we have one request, send out the following tweets over the next few weeks. The link provided goes to the free RSVP page with more information about the event and how to reserve childcare. All you need to do is copy, paste, and tweet.
These tweet were taken from the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar.
CREATING A GOSPEL-CENTERED MARRIAGE: COMMUNICATION
Part One: Saturday February 16, 2012
Part Two: Saturday February 23, 2012
Time: 4:00 to 5:30 pm or 6:00 to 7:30 pm
Location: The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue
Address: 2415-107 Presidential Drive; Durham, NC 27703
Cost: Free
RSVP: Part One // Part Two
One of the desires of The Summit Counseling ministry is to be a part of the “normal” church life. We do not want to be a church with a counseling ministry (read “on the side; just for crisis cases”). We want to be a church that uses our counseling ministry to EQUIP our members to counsel one another and our community.
We have put a great deal of time, energy, and conversation into designing the counseling ministry to strengthen existing ministries or core values of our church. This is something we are passionate about and want to continue to refine.
There are several ways that we have sought to accomplish this:
There is another core value the counseling EQUIP seminars want to strengthen – parents are the primary discipler of their children. Part of discipling our children is teaching them how to handle their anger, anxiety, conflict, grief, etc… in biblical ways. For this reason, each counseling EQUIP seminar will have an appendix that applies the material covered at a child’s level and in a family devotion format.
The following sample is taken from the second point of the upcoming “Overcoming Anger” seminar.
Devotion for Luke 6:43-45. Give your children a visual of the key teaching in this passage. Take a glass of water and shake it. When water comes out, ask, “Why did water come out of the glass?” Most likely they will answer, “Because you shook it.” Kindly say, “No,” and repeat the question emphasizing the word water. After a couple tries tell them, “Water came out of the glass because water was in the glass. If it were a glass of milk and I shook it milk would have come out.”
Our hearts are like that glass. When life shakes us the content of our heart is revealed. We cannot blame our sinful actions on the things that happen outside of us. “You cannot blame your brother taking your toy as why you hit him anymore than I should blame your disobedience for why I yell at you. In those situations you wanted to enjoy the toy more than to love your brother and I let my desire for a peaceful evening override my responsibility to honor you.”
Use this conversation as another opportunity to present the Gospel to your child. Christ comes to change hearts. He wants to keep their hearts and minds healthy. Only Jesus can change our hearts. Talk about how you still need the Gospel even as a Christian parent.
Follow Up Study: The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones – “God Sends Help” starting on page 326.
We hope to see a large number of our parents at this event and pray that God will use it to strengthen our families. Here is the PDF version of the full family devotion appendix from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar (Overcoming Anger Family Devotions). There is at least one devotion for each of the nine steps to be covered in this presentation.
Anger is usually prompted by some offense (real or perceived). If we are going to do anger well, then we must learn to forgive well. This post is “Appendix A” from the upcoming Overcoming Anger seminar (information below) and looks at how anger often hijacks forgiveness.
Forgiveness is never simple or straight-forward because it always involves both sin and sinners. Worse yet, it always involves a sinner who has sinned against another sinner.
Usually in the post-sin, pre-confession stage of the process there is some clear role definition. One person is the offender. The other person is the offended. I acknowledge that we are all sinners, but for repentance and forgiveness to occur, these roles must be defined even if they are alternated.
During this post-sin, pre-confession there is usually some delay of time when the offending party(s) is trying to decide if they are going to repent. They replay the events looking for a way to justify their actions. Maybe they weigh out whether their actions were “wrong enough” to warrant an apology. But in order to enter “the forgiveness trap” the offending party must come to the person they offended in repentance.
Eventually they come to the person they offended and say, “I was wrong for doing what I did. Will you forgive me?” The trap has been set. But wait a minute. You’re thinking, “What is wrong with that?” Nothing. That is exactly what should happen. I am not saying that the trap is manipulative or intentional.
So what is the trap? The trap is an immediate role reversal in which if the offended person does not promptly reply with absolute forgiveness, the sinner versus saint roles are reversed. The white hat and the black hat switch heads. Oftentimes a hesitancy in forgiveness is perceived (or even declared) to be a greater sin than the original offense and the offended person is not even given the same period of time to forgive that the offending person took to repent.
I am not saying this is what should happen, but it’s often what does happen. Sometimes, it is an innocent misapplication of biblical teaching on forgiveness. Other times, it is manipulative form of repentant-revenge.
I am not saying that forgiveness is optional. Even if the offending person does not repent, forgiveness is commanded as an authentic expression of our appreciation for Christ’s forgiveness of us (Eph. 4:32). To fail to do so angers God greatly (Matt 18:15-35).
But too often, “the trap” assumes this must be done immediately and that full trust must be restored upon forgiveness. We must remember that while God can command forgiveness, the offending person cannot. The offending person requests forgiveness, recognizing forgiveness is an act of grace. To demand forgiveness and use Scripture to pressure forgiveness is a sign that the “repenting” person does not understand what he/she is asking.
As a general guide line, I advise a repenting person to wait at least as long as it took them to repent before they mention the offended person’s obligation to forgive. In cases of traumatic offenses or painful betrayals it may be wise to wait longer. If not, it falls into the “now I’m the good guy and you’re the bad guy… God’s on my team” trap.
It should also be noted that the restoration of trust and forgiveness are two distinct but related things. One can “cancel a debt” without being eager to “give more credit.” Attacking someone with their fault is a sign of unforgiveness, but a hesitancy to potentially place one’s self in harms-way again is not. If these two things are treated as the same thing, they create another “forgiveness trap.”
Do you know any angry people who need the gospel? If that question made you smile, then realize how needed a gospel-centered seminar on “Overcoming Anger” is. We have just such an event coming up at The Summit on September 29 and October 6. We want to make sure the word gets out.
With that in mind we have one request, send out the following tweets (or Facebook posts) like they’re angry text messages over the next two weeks. The link provided goes to the free RSVP page with more information about the event and how to reserve childcare. All you need to do is copy, paste, and tweet enough to annoy RDU to the point that we realize how much we need this seminar.
Anger is not something we can avoid. It is something that we must do well. But few of know what “righteouss anger” would look like. This post is an excerpt from the “Overcoming Anger” seminar (information at the end) provide a way to discern righteous anger.
Below are seven test questions for righteous anger taken from David Powlison’s article (bold text only) “Anger Part 1: Understanding Anger” from The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Fall 1995).
1. Do you get angry about the right things? (Right Trigger) Anger declares actions wrong and / or people evil. Anger is a moral emotion because it makes moral declarations. Too often our anger is triggered by personal preference or mere selfishness. In order to be good or right, anger must be in agreement with God about the nature of what it condemns.
2. Do you express anger in the right way? (Right Response) Anger should address problems not attack people. Godly anger wants to see sin eliminated and sinners redeemed. If our personal anger degrades or harms another person it is wrong either because it is excessive or because it is personally addressing a matter that should be addressed by the church (Matt 18:15-17) or state (Rom 13:1-7).
3. How long does your anger last? (Duration) Sinful anger can be excessive in degree or duration. A long, slow burn is as wrong as a quick, hot flare (although the impact of each is different). While the saying “forgive and forget” is neither possible nor biblical, an offense that is harbored and replayed in one’s mind is bitterness (another flavor of sinful anger). One good measure for bitterness is how many details you remember about the offense.
4. How controlled is your anger? (Controlled) Anger can consume you without sinning against anyone else. Anger management techniques rooted in venting or catharsis, often encourage uncontrolled anger. God never “loses it” even in private. The more we use exhaustion-based techniques to squelch anger, the more we build the stamina and power of our anger (and the less we address the heart as the source of anger).
5. What motivates your anger? (Motive) We can be angry about the right thing in the right way for the wrong reason. Example: Rudeness in children is wrong. There are many forms of appropriate discipline. However, if our primary motive in disciplining our children is to prevent them from embarrassing us in public, then our anger is sinful. We have made our glory and peace the center of the world and emotionally forced it upon our children.
“Truth that is not spoken in love ceases to be truth because it becomes distorted by human impatience, bitterness, and anger (p. 228).” Paul Tripp in War of Words
6. Is your anger “primed and ready” to respond to another person’s habitual sins? (Primed) Godly anger restores peace; not just externally (life situation) but also internally (emotional disposition). When we settle for anger management that leaves the “fire” just beneath the surface, our solution has left us in perpetual temptation. It is also a good indicator we have only addressed the expression of anger and not the heart (beliefs, values, agendas) that fueled it.
7. What is the effect of your anger? (Effect) Godly anger restores the repentant. Godly anger genuinely wants peace more than vengeance. Do you want the offender to repent or pay? Do your words while angry point the other person towards God or focus upon you? Are you just concerned about whether God agrees with you (“I’ve got a verse that says I’m right”) or are you trying to represent God in that moment (2 Cor. 5:18-21)?
“The clearest gauge of whether anger is right or wrong in its expression is whether it acts to condemn or to offer help (p. 50).” David Powlison in “Understanding Anger: Part 1” in JBC (Fall 1995).
Let’s add to the list of things that are frequently said in the privacy of a home, but hidden from the rest of the world.
Here is a tool to help you move beyond hearing echoes of your own words to understanding the different types of anger (Overcoming Anger Evaluation).
How many of these have you heard in your home over the last month? These are indicators that anger is not being done well. You are now faced with a choice (a) try harder at what hasn’t worked and continue to live in defensiveness or shame, (b) live in denial and try to convince yourself that its not that big of a deal, or (c) allow God to begin to speak hope and change in your life through the gospel.
If you choose the latter (and I pray you do), then the “Overcoming Anger” seminar is a great place to learn God’s plan for redeeming this powerful emotion.
I’ve never punched a hole in a wall. I’ve managed to avoid road rage even with a significant number of “idiot” drivers provoking me. My children are not scared of me unless they do something really bad. I have plenty of friends who seem to like me and will answer the phone when I call. Do I still need to attend the “Overcoming Anger” seminar?
This kind of question construes the “Overcoming Anger” seminar as a classic anger management class. I can promise you will not count to 10 and no one will be asked to go to their “happy place.”
Let me reframe the question.
We live in a broken world where legitimate desires often get disappointed. We live among fallen people who often offend us and, at least, frequently forget things that are important to us. In the midst of all this, how do we accurately represent the character of God, who has as one of His attributes, anger?
Anger is not an emotion we can “just not do.” Therefore, if we are going to accurately reflect the image of God, we must do anger well. But anger as an emotion with a lot of momentum and it easily runs away with us. This is why “Overcoming Anger” is such an important seminar for every person (whether we yell frequently or not).
Come and learn how the gospel both informs and empowers us to respond to real wrongs in a way that brings hope instead of regret and change instead of shame. This is a life lesson none of us an afford to neglect.
Here is an anger assessment tool to help you prepare for this event (Overcoming Anger Evaluation).
