All posts tagged Conflict

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

GCM Communication Part 6 from Equip on Vimeo.

Plumb Lines: These are the “sticky” statements that capture the core messages of this chapter.

• We never forgive more than we’ve been forgiven.
• Unforgiveness is the choice to define your spouse by his/her faults.
• Forgiveness is not a method to be learned as much as a truth to be lived.
• The possibility of a lasting, happy marriage can be measured by a couple’s willingness to forgive.

Memorize: Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV), “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “Let” – We do have control over whether we choose to forgive; we can’t control the consequences of our choice.
• “All” – God’s will is that we free ourselves from bitterness by Christ’s payment for our sin and the sin against us.
• “Put away” – A difficult commitment of forgiveness is to quit entertaining ourselves with painful memories.
• “Be kind” – We often get caught trying to force the fruit (forgiveness) instead of planting the seed (kindness).
• “As God in Christ” – We are following in Christ’s footsteps of forgiveness not pioneering new territory.

“Counseling techniques cannot help people forgive any more than a physician can heal a person’s body. Counseling techniques, like a physician’s tool, are merely structures through which God sometimes sovereignly acts (p. 120).” Everett Worthington in “Helping People Forgive” in Caring for People God’s Way

“We need to forgive sin and forbear strangeness, and sometimes you won’t even agree on which is which (p. 53).” John Piper in This Momentary Marriage

“Their marriage rusted into brokenness by the daily rain of the little drops of unforgiveness (p. 90)….The harvest of forgiveness is the kind of marriage everyone wants (p. 97)… Forgiveness stimulates appreciation and affection. When we forgive one another daily, we do not look at one another through the lens of our worst failures and biggest weaknesses (p. 98).” Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?

“You’ll likely find practicing forgiveness in marriage difficult. This is because the more intimate you are with someone, the more power he or she has to wound you deeply (p. 182)…. Fear, anger, bitterness, hopelessness, and even numbness can impede forgiveness. Emotions that keep us tied to past wounds, they rob forgiveness of its life-giving power (p. 185).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery.  We ought to hate them.  Not one word of what we have said about them needs to be unsaid.  But it does want us to hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry the man should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere, he can be cured and made human again (p. 106).” C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

“As regards my own sin it is a safe bet (though not a certainty) that the excuses are not really so good as I think: as regards other men’s sins against me it is a safe bet (though not a certainty) that the excuses are better than I think (p. 124).” C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory

“You see, God never intended our bodies to hold up under the weight of unresolved conflict and bitterness (p. 67)…. Forgiveness is not so much about us as it is about Him. Every opportunity you encounter to practice forgiveness is an opportunity to draw attention to the God who so delights to show mercy and to pardon sinners that He gave His only Son to make it possible (p. 214).” Nancy Leigh DeMoss in Choosing Forgiveness

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

GCM Communication Part 4 from Equip on Vimeo.

Evaluation: GCMevaluation_Conflict Resolution

Tool: Conversation Log

Plumb Lines: These are the “sticky” statements that capture the core messages of this chapter.

• Conflict done well can be the best friend of your marriage.
• The best outcome for marital conflict is neither avoidance nor victory, but honor and unity.
• The biggest battle in every conflict is with yourself not your spouse.
• The surest evidence of idolatry is an over-reaction; be sure not to misname it a need.

Memorize: James 4:1-2a, 6 (ESV), “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel… But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.’” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “Causes” – We often become so consumed with “what” we think is wrong that we fail to ask “why?”
• “You” – Read James 1:1 and realize the original readers were people willing to face persecution for their faith.
• “Passions…. desire” – Conflict done wrong ultimately stems from wanting something bad enough to sin to get it.
• “War within you” – Our desires are not passive. They fight for fulfillment even at the expense of our loved ones.
• “Proud… humble” – The key to conflict done well is not a strategy or skill but humility.

“The Bible nowhere calls us to grin and bear it for the sake of the relationship. In fact, I am persuaded that our silence in the face of wrong is not motivated by a desire to love the other well but by not wanting to hassle through the difficult process of kind and loving confrontation. We are silent not because we love our spouse but because we love ourselves, and we do not want to put ourselves through something uncomfortable (p. 93).” Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?

“Conflict, far from being a sign of moral or marital failure, is God’s chosen means of rescuing his people and destroying sin. Don’t lose sight of this fact: God will rescue us, and marriage, through conflict (p. 141).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“The nature of sin, you see, is war. Sin creates war—war with God, war with others, and war within yourself (p. 46)…. Mercy doesn’t change the need to speak truth. It transforms our motivation (p. 82)…. One thing I’ve learned, if I can avert a two-hour argument with two minutes of mercy, that’s a win for everybody involved (p. 87).” Dave Harvey in When Sinners Say “I Do”

“This failure to show respect is a sign of immaturity more than an inevitable pathway of marriage (p. 57).” Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

“Buried expectations can poison a relationship. Unresolved expectations often lead to demands, and demands lead to manipulation. One person maneuvers the other to meet the expectation, while the other tries to avoid it. Inevitably, this leads to isolation in marriage, with two people playing absurd but dangerous games in an attempt to establish control (p. 38-39).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“Notice that the things that control your life may not be the things that you pursue but the things you avoid. For instance, rejection can be an idol in the same way as approval (p. 30).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“Trait names and exaggerations work the same way and have a similar effect… Both, in effect, reduce a spouse’s identity to his or her sinful behavior. Trait names and exaggeration communicate, ‘You’re no more and no better than what you’ve just done’ (p. 125)… To sin is to treat people as objects (p. 98).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

GCM Communication Part 3 from Equip on Vimeo.

Evaluation: GCMevaluation_Day-to-Day_Communication

Plumb Lines: These are the “sticky” statements that capture the core messages of this chapter.

• Our regular, day-to-day communication is what determines how we “normally” communicate.
• Good day-to-day communication is both preventative and a buffer for conflict.
• Enjoying and cultivating common conversation is the life blood of a lifelong relationship.
• Building a conversationally full marriage can be a key step towards a conversationally full prayer life.

Memorize: Ephesians 4:29-30 (ESV), “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “No corrupting talk” – God created words to serve the purpose of building up our spouse.
• “Fits the occasion” – Ask yourself, “How would God want me to engage or affirm my spouse in this moment?”
• “Gives grace” –Christian lives are a “journey of grace.” Your words should move your spouse forward on this journey.
• “Do not grieve” – When our words compete against God’s purposes in/for our spouse, God is grieved.
• “For the day of redemption” – In heaven you will see the spouse God has been allowing your words to help shape.

“Because they were not talking these things through with one another, they began to develop individual thoughts about them (p. 103)… So the character and quality of the friendship between a husband and wife always functions as an accurate measure of the health of their marriage (p. 145-146).” Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?

“I can’t make fun of you in someone else’s home and respect you in our home (p. 97; Kathy)… Early in our marriage my wife and I agreed not to belittle one another in public even in jest. Our agreement came after noticing how often in group settings our friends used ridicule (often disguised as teasing) to get an edge over one another. Remarks about appearance, reminders of a past embarrassment, or drawing attention to a dumb comment are standard ways that couples use the shield of social conversation to jab at each other’s faults and foibles. My wife and I actually enjoy teasing one another, but we do not kid in a way that is demeaning for the sake of a laugh from others (p.137).” Bryan Chappell in Each for the Other

“Because of sin and shame we often hide our thoughts and feelings from ourselves and our spouses (p. 93)… Honesty isn’t just communication free of lies (p. 95).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable (p. 143)… Communication is thus the blood of marriage that carries vital oxygen into the heart of our romance (p. 158)… Marriage provides the small experimental laboratory whereby we can learn to engage in spiritual fellowship. Everything that happens broadly in social contexts has a mirror in marriage—disagreements, wounding words, conflict of interests, and competing dreams (p. 162).” Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

“The paradox is that friendship cannot be merely about itself. It must be about something else, something that both friends are committed to and passionate about besides one another (p. 113).” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

GCM Communication Part 2 from Equip on Vimeo.

Evaluation: GCMevaluation_Listening

Plumb Lines: These are the “sticky” statements that capture the core messages of this chapter.

• Be a servant-listener: seek to understand before being understood.
• The vast majority of communication problems would be resolved with better listening.
• Good listening is simply living incarnationally.
• Listening is a skill that is most necessary when it is most difficult.
• The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

Memorize: James 1:19-21(ESV), “Know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “Know this” – Humorously, James assumes we would be prone to skip over his instructions on listening.
• “Quick to hear” – We will be quick at one and slow at the other; we choose – listening or speaking.
• “Slow to speak… anger” – Being quick to speak has emotional consequences; we need to see the cause and effect.
• “Produce… put away” – The choice to listen well is a choice to pursue godly character and relational unity.
• “Receive… implanted word” – Salvation began with listening. Marriage also moves from death to life by listening.

“If you want to develop an intimate marriage relationship, you would be wise to speak less and listen more. The person who speaks less is more willing to set his own self-centeredness aside and build oneness in marriage. He is better able to understand another viewpoint. And he is willing to see, the best for his mate (p. 154).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“Of all the principles involved in effective communication, none is more important than good listening (p. 68).” Wayne Mack in Strengthening Your Marriage

“Rarely will we agree on all the topics of marriage. Rarely will we agree on the exact proper use of money, or the exact proper amount of sexual intimacy, or the exact proper way to handle the children. God did not design everyone to agree exactly on all these matters. Rather, God redeems and enables husbands and wives to reflect Christ and the Church amidst their disagreements, and to grow in love for one another under every circumstance. This love tends to be expressed through gracious speech, humble listening, eagerness to serve, and longing for Christ to be magnified in our marriages (p. 164).” John Henderson in Catching Foxes

“The idols that you worship erect a filter that screens out information that doesn’t match up with expectations. Idols also amplify other messages that you’re sensitive to. Approach every topic with humility—a willingness to learn something new and correct faulty understandings. Communicate a humility that allows room for more information or a different perspective (p. 109).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“There’s no point moving on to the next idea or responding to what you heard if your spouse doesn’t believe you understand what’s been said (p. 133)… How does your spouse typically feel misunderstood by you? If you don’t know, then ask (p. 135).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

GCM Communication Part 1 from Equip on Vimeo.

Plumb Lines: These are the “sticky” statements that capture the core messages of this chapter.

• The vast majority of communication problems are listening problems, not expressing problems.
• If you don’t know what to say, ask more questions.
•  Healthy communication is a disposition of grace and humility before it is a skill.
• What we hear often says as much about us as the person speaking.

Memorize: James 3:2-5 (ESV), “For we all stumble in many in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

• “We all stumble” – James is not making an excuse for sin, but putting an end to denial and blame-shifting.
• “Perfect” – If our words reveal our hearts (Luke 6:45), then pure words would reveal a pure heart.
• “Whole body” – Words mediate life. Learning healthy communication will bless your entire marriage.
•  “Bit… rudder” – Our words will determine the direction of our lives.
• “Small… great” – James is drawing our attention to how we tend to ignore the things of greatest significance.

“Authentic communication is much more than just talking. It is understanding and being understood (p. 148).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“Words do not primarily express our culture or family upbringing or biochemistry, but our souls. When our words are unkind and ungrateful, no one else is to blame. Such words come from inside us (p. 137).” John Henderson in Catching Foxes

“If you minimize the heart struggle that both of you have carried into your marriage, here’s what will happen: you will tend to turn moments of ministry into moments of anger… This leads to the second thing that happens: the reason we turn moments of ministry into moments of anger is that we tend to personalize what is not personal (p. 24).” Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?

“We are tempted to recast both Jesus and love in the image of our personal desires (p. 40)…I began to meditate on this paradox: Jesus loves people, and yet they’re disappointed in him (p. 42)… My duty is to love her, not to be perfect. In fact, sometimes loving her may well disappoint her… Sometimes we suffer in our marriages because we labor under false understandings of love built upon the foundations of our own desires and fears (p. 45).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“The attitude of earning love is disastrous in marriages and leads to anger and insecurity. Spouses who believe they’ve earned or deserve love angrily demand it or toil anxiously to avoid using it (p. 48)… The principle captured in the phrase ‘knowledge puffs up, but love builds up’ (I Corinthians 8:1b) tells us that in a conflict, being right and doing right aren’t always the same thing (p. 158).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“In all healthy relationships the well-being of the other person is important to us even when we’re mad, tired, or busy.” Leslie Vernick in The Emotionally Destructive Relationship