All posts tagged Community

My Top 12 Blog Posts of 2012

by brad on December 26, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

This posts takes a look back at my favorite posts from this year. These are the posts, that as I reviewed through my archives, I remembered most clearly. It may be the memory that inspired the post or the conversations that ensued afterwards, but either way these are the ones that stood out to me.

  1. The Myth of Compatibility — Too often we treat compatibility as if were a noun instead of a verb. Character is a better predictor of marital success than personality cohesion.
  2. When the Holy Spirit Prays for You — Too often we try to comfort people who are suffering with Romans 8:28 without taking on the journey of verses 25-27.
  3. The Sacred “Silly” Moments of Marriage — This is a call to pay attention to how “compliments” do more than just encourage your spouse.
  4. Feel Awkward Being Expressive in Worship? Me Too — Here I reflect on the self-preoccupation of being expressive in worship distracts me from the freedom God wants to give through worship.
  5. God’s Words for “Bouncy” Anxiety — This posts looks at how Psalm 121 is a gift from God for those whose fears bounce from one thing to the next.
  6. Prayer and Talking to My Children — This was a great time of remembering that God enjoys listening to His children as much as (probably more than) I enjoy listening to my children.
  7. You Don’t Know “The Real Me” — I was struck by how sin-kept-secret could so powerfully cut people off from meaningful relationships even from people who really loved them.
  8. On Counseling and Comedy — Find out if you agree with my assessment that young counselors and young comedians wrestle with the same tactical error.
  9. The Difference Between Guilt, Shame and Regret — These three powerful emotions/experiences are often used as synonyms, but when it comes to applying the gospel we need to know the difference.
  10. Poetry Slam on Same Sex Attraction and Childhood Sexual Abuse — My reflections on a powerful 9 minute testimony of God’s restorative power in poetry form.
  11. Learning to Doubt Our Fears — I was struck by the realization that when we are afraid the only thing we do not doubt is our fears.
  12. Three Family Posts (Yes, I admit I’m cheating).
    1. Special Trip III: Youngest Son Goes to Kindergarten — The story of the right of passage trip I took with my youngest son. Great memories!
    2. Why We Do “Chili Cheese Dog Adventures” — An innovative approach helping our boys adapt to a move that has turned into a family tradition.
    3. Three Letters I Write Every Year — A romantic exercise I realized was enriching my life as much as my wife’s.

GCM “Foundations” Video 6: Unique Job Description of a Christian Wife

by brad on October 10, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations (part 6) from Equip on Vimeo.

Worksheet One: Job Description — Wife

Memorize: Ephesians 5:22-24 (ESV), “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “Submit” – Define this word in light of the passage instead of defining this passage by your response to this word.
  •  “To your own husbands” – This passage is not about the value of men-women, but functioning within a family.
  • “As Christ is the head” – More women may embrace Christianity because they are made to be in the church-role.
  • “As the church” – Read how Jesus’ sees and treats His church to understand God’s intention (Rev. 21).
  • “In everything” – This does not apply to immoral actions and should not be frequently needed but is the standard.

 Teaching Notes

“Modern Western readers immediately focus on (and often bristle at) the word ‘submit,’ because for us it touches the controversial issue of gender roles. But to start arguing about that is a mistake that will be fatal to any true grasp of Paul’s introductory point. He is declaring that everything he is about to say about marriage assumes that the parties are being filled with God’s Spirit. Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage (p. 50-51).” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

“God did not make marriages with a cookie cutter, and the ways in which wives may support, complement, and complete their spouses are usually open to a lifetime of discovery. But the realization that Christ intends for each wife to represent him—to be his hands and heart—for her husband is the key discovery that revolutionizes women’s perceptions of their purposes in marriage (p. 105).” Bryan Chappell in Each for the Other

“We see that the submissive wife—far from being the weak-willed women our culture portrays—is actually a model of inner strength. By God’s grace, she has conquered this opposition within her own heart. It is actually weakness on display when a wife is not submissive; she is only caving in to her natural inclination to usurp authority and demand her own way. That doesn’t take any effort at all (p. 140).” Carolyn Mahaney in Feminine Appeal

“As women become more assertive in the marriage relationship, many men have become increasingly passive in their homes. Women then become less respectful of their husbands, and husbands in turn show less love to their wives (p. 167).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“God’s will for every Christian wife is that her most important ministry be to her husband (p. 4)… She will also show respect on a daily basis when he is just an everyday, ordinary person. If your husband is in this category (as are most husbands), God wants you to be grateful for him and his ordinary job, looks, not-so-eloquent speaking ability, etc. (p. 110).” Martha Peace in The Excellent Wife

“We simply can’t have our cake and eat it, too. We can’t insist on running the show and then expect men to be proactive, take initiative, and be ‘spiritual leaders’… You must be willing to let him fail—believing that ultimately, your security is not in your husband but in a sovereign God who is not going to fail you (p. 154).” Nancy Leigh DeMoss in Lies Women Believe

GCM “Foundations” Video 5: Unique Job Description of a Christian Husband

by brad on October 3, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

MarriageEquip(Part5) from Equip on Vimeo.

Worksheet One: Job Description — Husband

Memorize: Ephesians 5:25-27 (ESV), “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “Husbands” – This is a voluntary role which, once assumed, removes the choice to live covenant-free.
  • “As Christ Loved (A.C.L.)” – A rupture to the A.C.L. commitment of a husband is devastating to marriage.
  • “Sanctify Her” – Your first goal in marriage is to facilitate your wife becoming what God intended her to be.
  • “Present… in Splendor” – Your second goal in marriage is to celebrate and affirm what God does with your wife.
  • “To Himself” – Your third goal in marriage is to learn to personally delight and enjoy your godly wife.

 Teaching Notes

“While the principle is clear – that the husband is to be the servant-leader and have ultimate responsibility and authority in the family – the Bible gives almost no details about how that is expressed in concrete behavior (p. 185)… What does this mean for us? It means that rigid culture gender roles have no Biblical warrant. Christians cannot make a scriptural case for masculine and feminine stereotypes… We must find ways to honor and express our gender roles, but the Bible allows for freedom in the particulars, while still upholding the obligatory nature of the principle (p. 186). ” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

“The Bible does not permit men to be uninvolved, disinterested, intentionally deaf, or selfishly blind. Headship requires the husband actively (and graciously) to work for the physical and spiritual well-being of each person in the family. A husband’s passivity can lead to cycles of abuse. A common pattern in abusive marriages is long periods of male passivity interspersed with brief episodes of rage (p. 31)… Too often Christians try to summarize male headship in the home by simply saying the husband has ‘the last word’ or is the final authority in decision making. Be glad this abbreviation of responsibilities is not found in the phrases of Scripture because it can cause great damage (p. 69)… Biblical headship shifts the focus of husbanding from taking charge to taking responsibility. Being a godly husband is not so much asserting one’s will as submitting one’s prerogative to the good of another (p. 70).” Bryan Chappell in Each for the Other

“For most of Western history, the primary and most valued characteristic of manhood was self-mastery… A man who indulged in excessive eating, drinking, sleeping, or sex—who failed to ‘rule himself’—was considered unfit to rule his household.” Sara Lipton in “Those Manly Men of Yore” in New York Times (June 17, 2011).

“The reason I am using the title “Lionhearted and Lamblike” to refer to the Christian husband as head of his wife is because the husband is called to lead like Jesus who is the Lion of Judah (Rev. 5:5) and the Lamb of God (Rev. 5:6)—he was lionhearted and lamblike, strong and meek, tough and tender, aggressive and responsive, bold and broken-hearted. He sets the pattern for manhood (p. 74)… Leadership does not assume it is superior. It assumes it should take initiative (p. 89).” John Piper in This Momentary Marriage

GCM “Foundations” Video 4: Shared Job Description of Husband and Wife

by brad on September 14, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

Part 4: Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations from Equip on Vimeo.

Section Three Resource: Marriage Evaluation_Character & Role Expectations
Worksheet One: Job Description — Husband
Worksheet Two: Job Description — Wife
Worksheet Three: Bible Reading Handout

Memorize: Ephesians 5:15-18, 21 (ESV), “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit… submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “Look carefully”– The Christian life nor marriage are for lazy people who resist regularly examining their life.
  • “Making the best use of the time” – As Paul prepares to teach on marriage, he reminds us of our use of time.
  • “Do not be foolish” – Most of what wrecks a marriage is living foolishly (short-sighted, self-centered living).
  • “Be filled with the Spirit” – When overwhelmed with your role, remember, it is the Holy Spirit who sustains you.
  • “Submitting to one another” – Most of marriage is mutual submission to living out what is mutually agreed upon.

 Teaching Notes

“There is a conservative approach to marriage that puts a great deal of stress on traditional gender roles… There is a lot of emphasis on the differences between men and women. The problem is that an overemphasis could encourage selfishness, especially on the part of the husband (p. 66)… It is my experience that it is nearly impossible to come up with a single, detailed, and very specific set of ‘manly’ or ‘womanly’ characteristics that fits every temperament and culture (p. 200).” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

“Your identity as someone’s spouse is secondary to your identity as a servant of God (p. 83).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“The example the husband sets has eternal consequences. This means headship is more about controlling one’s character than controlling one’s wife. The man who is more concerned with how his wife should obey him than with how he should obey God fails the kindergarten of biblical headship (p. 78).” Bryan Chappell in Each for the Other

“God is always worthy of being obeyed and served, so when I act out of obedience to him, the person who receives my service doesn’t have to be deserving—they’re benefiting from what I owe God (p. 188)… Service includes allowing your spouse to give—if, of course, they are willing to give. In other words, service isn’t just washing somebody else’s feet; at times it’s letting your own feet be washed (p. 190).” Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

“After declaring that there is mutual submission in verse 21, Paul devotes twelve verses to unfolding the difference in the way a husband and wife should serve each other. You don’t need to deny mutual submission to affirm the importance of the unique role of the husband as head and the unique calling of the wife to submit to that headship (p. 78).” John Piper in This Momentary Marriage

C.S. Lewis on the Collective Human Race

by brad on September 10, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“The idea that the whole human race is, in a sense, one thing – one huge organism, like a tree – must not be confused with the idea that individual differences do not matter or that real people, Tom and Nobby and Kate, are somehow less important than collective things like classes, races, and so forth… Six pennies are quite separate and very alike: my nose and my lungs are very different but they are only alive at all because they are parts of my body and share its common life. Christianity thinks of human individuals not as mere members of a group or items in a list, but as organs in a body – different from one another and each contributing what no other could. When you find yourself wanting to turn your children, or pupils, or even your neighbors, into people exactly like yourself, remember that God probably never meant them to be that. You and they are different organs, intended to do different things. On the other hand, when you are tempted not to bother about someone else’s trouble because they are ‘no business of yours’, remember that though he is different from you he is part of the same organism as you (p. 185-186).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Can’t say I’m sorry we didn’t consider “Nobby” as a name for either of our boys (assuming it’s a boy name). But this conception of the human race is something that warrants consideration.

Do we view people like collectable quarters – different dates and regions stamped on them, but having no vital interconnection? Or, do we view people as organs within a body – the health of each one essential to the health of all the others? Either-or is probably too strong of language; it is more likely a spectrum of positions that exists. But where are you on that spectrum? And, where is Scripture?

I find myself guilty of both aspects of Lewis’ warning – wanting to duplicate my “strengths” in others and wanting to distance myself from other’s “weaknesses.” I believe I can defend that as legitimate, in some cases – saying as Paul did “follow my example as I follow the example of Christ (I Cor 11:1)” and avoiding codependently taking responsibility for other’s sin or folly.

But my tendency, which is generally not codependent, often neglects the unity of the human race. A big part of that may be my competitive nature. I’ve accepted that in a fallen world that there will always be losers, but that by God’s grace every time we lose, it can become a powerful motivator, life lesson, and source of healthy humility.

Yet, even that mindset is not as incarnational as Jesus. I can become much more callous to the realities of a fallen broken world than Jesus. Worse, I can begin to use the mindset of competition to generate “success” in my Christian walk.

While I may not “defeat” someone else, my non-organism view of the human race allows me to measure progress by how far “ahead” I am of others instead of (a) how far we’ve come together, (b) how much I’ve spurred others on, (c) how my temporal setback may result in a greater advance for many others, (d) whether my gain is the best measure of “success” in a given moment, etc…

What I need to realize is that the questions I think I answer well (being an example and avoiding codependency) often deafen me to the questions I’m not asking. I would encourage you to consider three things in light of this reflection: (1) Where are you on this relational spectrum? (2) What questions are you asking/answering well? (3) What questions are you overlooking in the way you relate to people?

Realizing the “Corporate” Impact of Worship

by brad on August 31, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

For a long time (meaning until the last couple of months), I didn’t get much from the “corporate” nature of worship at church. If I’m honest, the primary benefit was that being in a room full of people allowed me to sing louder than I normally would. To a certain degree that allowed me to connect with the lyrics more.

But, in reality, corporate worship wasn’t much different from private worship with a live band for me. I could be equally moved by a worship song on the radio or CD as I drove from one place to another. I don’t think that is necessarily bad, but I do think it reveals that I was missing something significant about what God intended for us to experience / learn from our time together in corporate worship.

Recently during corporate worship I looked around the room. It wasn’t that I was being distracted by the people around me. Instead I was marveling that this many people, with so many various backgrounds and struggles, could connect with the same lyrics / message that I was.

I began to listen to the lyrics in a less self-centered way. I began to see in the word “sin” more than my own failures, in the word “suffering” more than my own hardships, and in the word “Savior” more than my own deliverance from life to death.

No longer did the congregation feel like a choir merely in the sense that it was a large number of voices singing the same song at the same time. The congregation felt like a great movement of people who were telling the same story of the gospel from countless number of experiences.

I thought about the person struggling with chronic pain, the shame of sexual sin, remembering the slavery of addiction, grieving the waywardness of a child, struggling to connect with their spouse, uncertain about a career decision, feeling like an idiot over losing their temper again, and other struggles.

I saw there were people who already looked like they had been through Hell in their life, and people who had to admit their “good life” could never satisfy the deepest cravings of their soul.

I also thought about the person new to the Christian faith who is singing line after line and being hearing / seeing these life giving truths for the first time. I thought about the wayward Christian coming back to the faith freshly allowing these truths to penetrate their hearts after months or years of resisting. Hearing these lyrics as water to a dry and thirsty soul.

I imagined God the Father listening to this chorus of people, knowing each person and each story individually. God doesn’t hear, at least He isn’t interested in, our vocal quality. God sees His children identifying with one another as family by being willing to become vulnerable enough to proclaim the gospel in song as their life story.

As I realized that this was what I was participating in, it made the voices around me much more than a sound-shield for my own vocal deficiencies. As I sang, I was adding my story to the tapestry of redemption in that room. By singing I was identifying with everyone in the room.

They were not just singing truth so that I could hear it louder. By their singing they were adding new dimensions to what it meant to say “Christ is better,” “Jesus in my place,” and “God is enough.” As an individual I can only know those aspects of God’s redemption that touch my life. As I know my fellow church members and here them sing the truths that changed my life, I can get a vision for redemption in a thousand different colors, flavors, textures, histories, and stories.

With that in mind my experience of corporate worship has been much richer. No longer are the people around me a shield for my own vocal insecurities. Instead, my fellow worshippers become new lenses through which I can savor the grace of God found in the gospel.

GCM “Foundations” Video 3: Marriage as Covenant

by brad on August 29, 2012 in Church Resource with 2 Comments

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations (part 3) from Equip on Vimeo.

Section Two Resource: Marriage Evaluation_We Identity & Leave and Cleave
Worksheet One: Jigsaw Marriage Excercise

Memorize: Matthew 19:4-6 (ESV), “[Jesus] answered, ‘Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.’” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “From the beginning” – Marriage’s existence and design were not God’s plan B response to anything.
  • “Leave… cleave” – Your response to the world around you, even family, is changed when you enter a marriage.
  • “One flesh” – You’re sharing life when you marry. How you think about and administrate life should display this.
  • “No longer two” – Jesus re-emphasizes the oneness of marriage to show how radically it transforms our identity.
  • “God has joined” – Once you have made a covenant, God’s seal supersedes your choice in terms of importance.

 Teaching Notes

“How a man thinks about marriage will certainly affect his perspective of his role, his wife’s role, and the relationships itself (p. 60).” Stuart Scott in The Exemplary Husband

“Society still considers the parent-child relationship to be a covenantal one, not a consumer relationship (p. 81).” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

“You must individually receive your spouse as God’s provision… You must accept His gift. Receiving your spouse demonstrates your faith in God’s integrity. Adam’s focus was on God’s flawless character, not Eve’s performance. He knew God, and he knew that God could be trusted (p. 87)… In the 100/100 plan, there is no talk of ‘meeting each other halfway.’ You are both willing to do anything it takes to make the marriage work (p. 94).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“What most divorces mean is that at least one party, and possibly both, have ceased to put the gospel first in their lives (p. 35).” Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

GCM “Foundations” Video 2: What Makes Marriage Work?

by brad on August 24, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

MarriageEquip(Part2) from Equip on Vimeo.

Worksheet One: Marriage Story_Birth to Wedding
Sample Worksheet One: Marriage Story_Birth to Wedding_SAMPLE
Worksheet Two: Marriage Story_ Present or Future
Worksheet Three: Non-Moral Differences

Memorize: Ephesians 5:28-30 (ESV), “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.’” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “In the same way” – We’re to present our spouse to God spotless and holy as Christ does the church (Eph 5:27).
  • “As their own bodies” – What we’d do for our self should be the minimum we’re willing to do for our spouse.
  • “Loves his wife love himself” – We best love ourselves by loving our spouse; creating a home marked by peace.
  • “Nourishes and cherishes” – We’re to be excellent (willing, skillful, and frequent) at what builds up our spouse.
  • “As Christ does” – We can only love our spouse this way because of God’s love for us (I John 4:10-11, 19).

 Teaching Notes

“We are not to live for one another, but live beside one another for the Lord. Our lives are not meant to revolve around one another, but they are meant to revolve together around Jesus Christ (p. 141).” John Henderson in Catching Foxes

“One of the riskiest, but most rewarding benefits of a marriage relationship is the exhilarating experience of knowing and being known, of revealing and having another person reveal himself or herself to you (p. 19)… If the person who knows you best also loves you most, your marriage will be truly special (p. 88).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“The Christian teaching does not offer a choice between fulfillment and sacrifice but rather mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice… So, what do you need to make marriage work? You need to know the secret, the gospel, and how it gives you both the power and pattern for your marriage (p. 47)… Within this Christian vision for marriage, here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of the person God is creating, and to say, ‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, ‘I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!’ (p. 121)” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

“Surely God could have made it ‘good’ on the first attempt. Pay close attention: God is creating drama to underscore something important about marriage (p. 59).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“Marital dissatisfaction is best met with prayer, ‘That is why I need you, O God’ (p. 237).” Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage

“It is not your husband or wife’s choices that you are rejecting, but God’s… It is God who formed your spouse with his or her natural gifts and personality, and after he did, he stood back and declared your spouse ‘good.’ It is hurtful to your spouse when you disrespect her for things she did not choose or reject her for things she cannot change. Every difference is an opportunity to celebrate God’s creative artistry (p. 211).” Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?

GCM “Foundations” Video 1: What Makes Marriage Hard?

by brad on August 17, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This video segment is one of six presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Foundations” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: communication, finances, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

MarriageEquip(Part1) from Equip on Vimeo.

Section One Resource: Marriage Evaluation_Knowing Each Other & Healthy Expectations

Memorize: Luke 9:23-25 (ESV), “And he said to all, ‘If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?’” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  •  “All” – You’ll never be a better spouse than you are disciple. Growing as a spouse requires becoming Christ-like.
  • “Deny” – Marriage exists in a context of limited resources (time, money, attention, etc…) and requires sacrifice.
  • “Daily” – Like discipleship, a good marriage is achieved in daily moments and decisions, not “special” moments.
  • “Save… lose… loses…save” – A satisfying marriage is the product of two people learning joy by sacrificial love.
  • “Profit” – It is good to want a great marriage, but we’re often misguided on how to attain, protect, and enrich it.

Teaching Notes

“Our personal dreams for marriage seem so beautiful and convincing that we don’t stop to consider that God’s dreams for us may be different (p. 60).” Winston Smith in Marriage Matters

“I am persuaded that it is more regular than irregular for couples to get married with unrealistic expectations (p. 16)… The person who was once your escape from responsibility has become your most significant responsibility. Spending time together is radically different from living together. Reasons for attraction now become sources of irritation (p. 32)… Marriages don’t typically change with an explosion. Marriages typically change by the process of erosion (p. 254).” Paul Tripp in What Did You Expect?

“But here’s the problem. My wife does not learn about my sins like a physician learns about my diseases or like my counselor learns about my anger and fear. She knows my sins because they so often are committed against her… And there’s the Great Problem of marriage. The one person in the whole world who holds your heart in her hand, whose approval and affirmation you most long for and need, is the one who is hurt more deeply by your sins than anyone else on the planet (p. 162)… Marriage does not so much bring you into confrontation with your spouse as confront you with yourself. Marriage shows you a realistic, unflattering picture of who you are and then takes you by the scruff of the neck and forces you to pay attention to it (p. 140).” Tim Keller in The Meaning of Marriage

“Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become ‘whole’ and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that it we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect of marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we will always marry the wrong person (p. 417).” Stanley Hauerwas in “Sex and Politics” in Christian Century (April 19, 1978).

“When you marry a person, you don’t know what they are going to be like in thirty years (p. 58).” John Piper in This Momentary Marriage

Closing

It would be easy to be overwhelmed at this point and think that a good marriage requires a perfect spouse. These questions reveal how far short we all fall from being a perfect spouse. But Jesus put this kind of high standard before anyone who wanted to be his disciple, “You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48).” His purpose, however, wasn’t discouragement, but revival.

That is the aim of a gospel-centered approach to marriage. We want more than marital enrichment. We want marital revival! We desperately need an intense awakening to what God called marriage to be; not a mere nudging towards more functional principles. The general condition of marriage in our culture cries out to God for a radical transformation of our “common sense” and “best practices” about marriage, because they’re not working.

If we are going to seek a gospel-centered marriage, we must realize such an endeavor will cast us to our knees begging God for the grace, strength, and wisdom to bless our spouse and homes in ways that we are, in ourselves, utterly incapable and sometimes even unwilling to do. But from our knees we will find that God is both willing and capable to give the kind of marriage we could have never had on our feet.

That brings us to one final virtue that is absolutely necessary to experience and enjoy a gospel-centered marriage – humility.

Marriage is a journey from our weakness (both spouses) to God’s strength. Due to the affects of sin, many of our weaknesses are exaggerated strengths. So even our strengths must be handled with humility or they betray us and our marriage. But when handled with humility even our weaknesses become a blessing to our marriage. It is only the gospel that will teach us to view life this way.

How to Listen to a Faith-Story

by brad on July 27, 2012 in Application Supplement with No comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon on Hebrews 11:6, 17-40 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/SundayJuly 28-29, 2011.

Have you ever been discouraged or overwhelmed after hearing a good testimony of faith? Somebody shares the fears they faced and the risks they took for God and all you can think is, “How did they know it would work out?… I wish God would come through like that for me… Why doesn’t God love me like He does them?”

Or, maybe, your thoughts go more like this, “So that’s how it done!… When someone asks that question, I should give that answer, and they will accept Christ… When I am making a decision, I can expect that kind of guidance and it will ensure that I am following God’s will.”

If you have either of these tendencies, then Hebrews 11 is a chapter of Scripture that can as discouraging as it is encouraging. But the passage not only describes faith; it also helps us learn how to listen well to someone else’s story of faith. Very intentionally, Hebrews 11 moves us away from listening to faith stories in the formulaic ways described above.

First, we notice that none of the stories are the same. God wasn’t trying to give us a faith-pattern (as if faith were a dance or an incantation). Instead, God illustrates lives rooted in the firm belief that He is real and that He cares for those who follow Him (Heb. 11:6). That is the only “pattern.”

Too often we listen to testimonies as if they were recipes. If that were true, then we would be mastering God instead of following Him as Lord. Instead it is more accurate to think of a testimony as the telling of one journey on the map of faith. We are not trying to trace their steps, because we’re at a different point on the map. We are gaining confidence that the map is trustworthy for our difficult journey through life.

Second, we see that faith-stories are best heard in community. Hebrews 12:1 draws on chapter eleven and says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses…” The reader is not meant to be an objective third party. Instead the reader is meant to feel a sense of belonging to the community of faith.

The implication is that we should be close enough to people who are living lives of faith that we hear the beginning, middle, and end of the story as it unfolds. We read Hebrews 11:26-28 and we know the end of the story. The invisible has already become visible. That is still our experience in modern stories of faith when we have not been walking with the story teller.

This is why being plugged into a small group is so vital. We need to be hearing the real stories of real people in real time. Otherwise, we will not experience the “delay of suspense” in their faith story in the same way we do in our story. When we miss this, we are much more prone to a distorted understanding of faith.

Third, we realize that we are the continuation and fulfillment of their faith-story (11:40). The Bible knows nothing of a passive listener to a story of faith. Every story of faith is either a call to get caught up in this life of faith (Heb 12:1) or a spotlight condemning our sin of passive unbelief (Heb 11:7).

After this lineage of the “Hall of Faith,” verse 40 transitions the focus from these Old Testament heroes to the reader and says, “Apart from us they should not be made perfect.” The verb “made perfect” can also be translated “complete.” Their faith is not finished bearing fruit, because we are still alive being “stirred up” (Heb10:24) by their example.

Similarly, when we hear our friend’s stories of faith, our response is part of what makes complete the impact and reward of their faith. We see in this why the Hebrew language had no noun form of the word “faith,” only a verb. Faith moves. It has momentum. When that momentum touches our life in the form of a testimony we will either build upon that momentum or stand in opposition to it.

So what is the take away? (1) Listen to stories of faith as journeys that give you greater confidence in the map of God’s Word, not steps to trace. (2) Be sure that you belong to a community of faith—small group—where you are regularly hearing stories of faith from people who you know at each stage of their journey. (3) Realize that what you do in response to hearing their story is the continuation of their story and, therefore, “run with endurance the race that is set before” you (Heb 12:1).

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