Archive for November, 2011

Overcoming Giving Up

by brad on November 30, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

I was recently counseling a couple who were really struggling. Their effort at counseling had been quite low; very little of what had been discussed or assigned was being implemented. Oddly, both of them seemed more committed to counseling than the marriage. There was a sincere desperation that marked the conversations.

As we talked about the key dynamics that needed to change, there was agreement on most every point. It was bizarre. They would both admit was they needed to change to each other and did not get defensive when their spouse agreed with them.

The problem was that this was our third session like this. We were like a football team. Everyone was lined up and knew their assignment. We read the defense accurately and were confidant that the play call would be effective. Each of the players had rehearsed his or her function and could execute the play. What was wrong?!

After a little conversation about the repetitive nature of our sessions, we concluded they had given up. They were not leaving the marriage (not yet anyway); they had just given up on it. There was no sense of hope that anything (even if seemingly well suited to their situation) would do any lasting good.

The question became, “How do you overcome giving up?” Every answer seemed to begin with try harder and that was just redundantly restating the problem a second time all over again. It was like the comic book villain whose special power was feeding off of energy. Everything the good guys did to attack him made him stronger.

Here was the solution we reached – gratitude. I began to highlight the difference by telling a story (slight historical fiction) about my son. He comes home from school and is very frustrated by his math homework. The problems don’t make any sense and the longer he tries the more daunting the few pages become. Eventually he looks at me and says, “Papa, I just can’t do it.”

Seeing the sincere despair on his face (and getting the opportunity to respond to a story I authored) I said, “Bud, I’m proud of you. It would be easy to quit and go to your room to play with your toys. But I admire you. You’re the kind of kid who stays at the table. That’s impressive. And that’s why I know you’re going to do great things. You have a character that is stronger than a math problem is hard.” Then we hugged and figured out the math problem (at least when I get to make up the story).

The point to the couple was this. Don’t do anything you are not already doing. Just say “thank you” for the things that are already happening. Any time you see something that your spouse could have left undone or unsaid, affirm them. Any time they are in the room when they could have stayed away, express appreciation. Any time they ask a question when they could have let silence stand, say thank you and then respond.

Why this homework? I believe there is a link between gratitude and hope. Without hope, effort is lifeless. It’s like eating celery; the act of chewing takes more calories than the vegetable contains so the digestion results in a net loss of calories. Gratitude was an attempt to create jumper cables for hope in an attempt to put life back into their most basic efforts.

What do we take away from this case study reflection? First, counseling is about more than giving the right answer. Second, counseling requires flexibility when “the right answer” isn’t working. Third, gratitude can be more effective at overcoming giving up than a new technique.

C.S. Lewis on Loving Myself

by brad on November 28, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“For a long time I used to think this a silly, straw-splitting distinction: how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life—namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated these things was that I loved the man. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find that I was the sort of man who did those things (p. 117).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Is the primary problem of the human condition that I don’t love myself enough (low self-esteem) or that I love myself too much (pride)? That is a question that can stir a great deal of debate.

I would contend that the fervor of the debate itself reveals that the scales tip toward pride. If low self-esteem were really the core human ailment, then we would timidly defer to one another and our disagreements would be mousy.

When reading the larger works of C.S. Lewis you will find that he sides on the pride side of this debate. However, here he is discussing self-love in a way that is distinct from pride. He does not seem to denigrate the self-love he describes here as pride (nor do I think he should).

Lewis describes this healthy self-love as hating the sin in my life because it destroys something that was intended to be good – namely self.

This points helps to answer one of the strongest points made by critics of the self-esteem movement (and I count myself in that number) – self-esteem assumes that we are basically good people who only do bad things because of negative outside influences. Scripture clearly teaches the opposite. We are people marred by sin who naturally love darkness instead of light (John 3:16-21).

Yet Lewis’ depiction of healthy self-love allows for a fundamental moral brokenness in the human race. His take on self-love still allowed him to admit, “I was the sort of man who did those things.” No silly, illogical excuses like, “You know I didn’t mean it,” or “I only behaved that way because…,” or “That wasn’t really me who did/said that.”

I believe it is instructive to see how Lewis got to this view of self-love. He got there by thinking of others. He wanted to know how you could hate the sin and love the sinner. Taking the Second Great Commandment seriously led him to consider the one example where he already obeyed it. Coincidentally, it was the example Jesus said to use – love others “as” (implying something that is already naturally occurs) you love yourself (Matt. 22:39).

It was from this example that he got an answer to his question: how do you hate the sin and love the sinner? Answer: You are grieved for how sin destroys the life of the sinner. Even when the sinner gets an advantage or pleasure from his/her sin, you are grieved that sin’s addictive roots are being reinforced.

How is this love? It is love, because all grief is rooted in love. You will only grieve after you have loved. You are saddened because of an obstruction in a desired joy. In this case, another person’s good.

So let us realize that we love ourselves naturally even when we are made miserable by our actions. Our misery actually reveals our love for self – we genuinely desire our good. After realizing this let us love others with that same desire for their good. That is the only thing that will prevent a healthy self-love from becoming pride, self-centeredness, or self-preoccupation (insecurity).

“I Wish I Could Go To Sleep Before Thanksgiving and Wake Up After New Years”

by brad on November 23, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

Many people share this testimony. If you do, know that you are not alone and that God longs to give you words and His companionship in the midst of this experience. What follows is a sample of God concerns for you might look and sound like and is rooted largely in Psalm 88.

This is a dark Psalm, but only one among many dark Psalms. Again, God knew we would need many expressions for the suffering we face in a fallen world. To help u see this, read Psalm 88 – the “black hole” of dark Psalms. Read it slowly and let it have its full impact. The only hope in this Psalm is that is it addressed to God. For a moment, let the cynicism of the questions grip you; let the fruitless search for answers swallow you.

Psalm 88

1O Lord, God of my salvation;
I cry out day and night before you.
2Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry!
3For my soul is full of troubles,
and my life draws near to Sheol.
4I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am a man who has no strength,
5like one set loose among the dead,
like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
for they are cut off from your hand.
6You have put me in the depths of the pit,
in the regions dark and deep.
7Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves.  Selah
8You have caused my companions to shun me;
you have made me a horror to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
9my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O Lord;
I spread out my hands to you.
10Do you work wonders for the dead?
Do the departed rise up to praise you?  Selah
11Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
12Are your wonders known in the darkness,
or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?
13But I, O Lord, cry to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
15Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.
16Your wrath has swept over me;
your dreadful assaults destroy me.
17They surround me like a flood all day long;
they close in on me together.
18You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
my companions have become darkness.

An alternate translation of that final phrase could be “darkness has become my only companion (see ESV footnote).” Where is the hope in this? What are we supposed to take from such a grim passage? Paul Tripp answers this way:

Psalm 88 gives us hope in our grief precisely because it has no hope in it! It means that God understands the darkness we face. He is right there in it with us, “an ever-present help in trouble” (Ps. 46:1). The Lord of light is your friend in darkness. The Lord of life stands beside you in death. The Lord of hope is your companion in your despair. The Prince of Peace supports you when no peace can be found. The God of all comfort waits faithfully near you. The Source of all joy is close by when death has robbed you of joy.[1]

God invites us to come to Him in all of our brokenness even before we attempt to “put Humpty Dumpty back together again.” Our Messiah is one who, “was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Is. 53:3). In these Psalms we get a picture of deep the incarnation went into our world of suffering and how uncomfortably close we must be willing to our friend’s suffering if we are going to counseling in a way that reflects the personal touch of the Gospel.

If this is your experience at this time of year, you might also find encouragement in my post “Gospel-Driven Counseling for Suffering (Psalm 102)” a free audio download of a sermon on God’s identification with and comfort for our suffering.

[1] Paul David Tripp, Grief: Finding Hope Again (Greensboro, N.C.: New Growth Press, 2004), 5.

Forgiveness Made Easier: Part II

by brad on November 21, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“And secondly, we might try to understand exactly what loving your neighbor as yourself means. I have to love him as I love myself. Well, how exactly do I love myself (p. 116)?… [Lewis was using a war illustration] Even while we kill  and punish we must try to feel about the enemy as we feel about ourselves – to wish that he were not bad, to hope that he may, in this world or another, be cured: in fact, to wish his good. That is what is meant in the Bible by loving him: wishing his good, not feeling fond of him nor saying he is nice when he is not (p. 120).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

In a politically correct world where we must say that every one is “nice” or “good” even “when he is not,” it makes it harder to love our neighbor as ourselves and, thereby, harder to forgive. I’ll try to follow Lewis’ logic from each point.

First, Lewis connects a forced attribution of niceness as an impediment to loving our neighbors as ourselves. When we cannot declare bad to be bad or foolish to be foolish, then we are prematurely forced to extend grace by the abolition of negative words.

When this happens, a basic form of loving others is taken away. We are no longer able to want “good” for them, because we have been forced to declare what they are doing “good.” Because of this we are forced to a higher level of relational involvement – from wanting their good to appreciating what they are doing.

This brings us to Lewis’s second connection. Now their offense against us not only has to be forgiven, it must be enjoyed. Forgiveness must mean more because love means more. If I cannot merely love them by wanting their good (because all things are good), then I must agree with their offense as being acceptable.

Think about one of the most common modern sayings given in resistance to forgiveness – “I’m not going to say that what they did was okay.” At first it may sound like a leap, but in light of Lewis’ assessment, it makes more sense.

Now let’s work Lewis’ logic backwards. If I am allowed to say that an offense or even an offender is bad (which Scripture holds to be universally true; Romans 3:23), then forgiveness would be made easier. I can now desire their good – being delivered from the moral condition that resulted in their offending me.

This is actually the same sense of regret I feel for myself every time I become convicted of my own sin. I desire my good – that I would be delivered from the moral condition that makes sin so deceptively tempting and illogically appealing. I now want for them what I would want for myself in the same situation.

When I can love them by wanting their good, I can see how forgiving them does not mean condoning or approving of their offense. Forgiveness, by definition, must declare something wrong before it can be enacted. Declaring everything good, neutral, or a matter of personal preference makes forgiveness an illogical exercise.

To summarize: wanting someone’s good is the foundation of love and allows us to see that loving them is not a contradiction to the moral infringement we feel when they offend us.

Dynamic Submission to Ungodly Authority

by brad on November 18, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon on I Peter 2:13-25 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday November 19-20, 2011.

This passage addresses a very uncomfortable subject – being subject to authority, even when that authority is not honoring God or loving its subjects. The passage is made less popular by the context in which it was written – teaching exiled Christians how to response to an oppressor emperor (v. 13). We cannot chalk this passage up to theory or idealism; it was written for real people in a very un-idealistic situation.

While much more could be said about what this passage does mean, in this post I want to derive three things from the text that this passage does not mean.

First, this submission is not value neutral, and it is not to be applied to criminal activity. Peter states the purpose for which the authority has been put into place – “to punish those who do evil and praise those who do good” (v. 14). While Peter’s reader may have been in a situation where they had no protective authority to petition for help, it is clear that Peter was not saying “authority makes right.”

Based upon this, no one should apply this passage to fail to report criminal activity of someone in authority. Recently, this has been in the public discussion because of the Penn State scandal. More commonly, families fail to report physical or other forms of abuse by a parent. In these kind of cases, “being subject” does not include “being silent.” Knowing the function of authority actually requires just the opposite.

Second, this submission is not passive. The objective of the submission is to silence the ignorance and foolishness of those who are abusing their power (v. 15). Peter is not silencing his readers; he is teaching them God’s way of silencing their abusive authorities.

It is important to note that Peter does not surrender the definition of “good” to the abusive authorities. He is not saying, “Do whatever they want. Concede. Make them happy to protect yourself as best you can.” That is the mindset of codependency. It does not triumph over evil with good (Rom. 12:21). It lets evil define good and pretends that evil is right.

By doing good—true God-defined good—in the presence of evil, you leave evil speechless—at least to say anything coherent. The worst that can be said is, “Are you so stupid that you would continue to live well even when life does not reward you?” The reply is, “No, I just do not think the alternatives of being bound in fear or joining in foolishness are worse than not getting a reward.” But most often that answer is better lived than spoken until the question is asked with genuine inquisitiveness (Prov. 26:4-5).

Third, this submission is not mindless or will-crushing; it is free (v. 16). Peter does not equate submission, even to an ungodly authority, to counter freedom. Here I think it helpful to define freedom. Freedom is the ability to pursue what is most important in life. For Peter that was living as servants of God. Peter’s friend Paul spoke similarly about his experience with an unjust justice system (Phil 1:12-14).

In the oppressive environment in which his readers lived, it would have been easy for them to use their limited freedom as a reason for living in ways that displeased God – taking their anger out on one another (after all the police would not assist the exiles), to escape through substance abuse, to exact revenge on the authorities by stealing to “make things even,” or other such practices.

So what do we gain from learning what submission is not? We gain the ability to be boldly submissive with a mission. Ungodly authority does not rob us of our mission or the ability to carry it out. Evil doesn’t win when it has the upper hand. Evil wins when it becomes contagious.

In the same way, good doesn’t lose because it is disadvantaged. Good wins when it becomes contagious. Our goal when we have an ungodly authority is to make good—the gospel-powered embodiment of Christ’s character—contagious in our sphere of influence. In oppressive circumstances, we do this by utilizing the freedoms and resources we have to make God’s good more contagious than the authority’s evil.

Summit Grief Ministries

by brad on November 16, 2011 in Church Resource with No comments

At the Summit Church we want to care well for those who have experienced a loss. We recently conducted an EQUIP seminar entitled “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope.” That presentation is available in video form and the accompanying study guide is available through the church office. From this event we have launched four ministries to care for those who are grieving.

 

Women’s Freedom Group for Grief – This group is for women who have experienced the loss of a loved one and would like the support of others who are at various stages of processing their own losses. This group meets on Tuesday night at 6:30 pm at the Brier Creek Campus. You can sign up for this group at www.summitrdu.com/freedom

Women’s Freedom Group for Past      Hurts – This group is for women who have experienced grief related to the loss of innocence to abuse, the loss of a dream, the loss of stability, or the living death of divorce and would like the support of other women who are at various stages of grieving similar losses. This group meets on Thursday night at 7:00 pm at the West Club Campus. You can sign up for this group at  www.summitrdu.com/freedom

Men’s Freedom Group for Grief / Past Hurts – This group is for men who have experienced the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of another dream, or the living death of divorce and would like the support of other men who are at various stages of grieving similar losses. This group meets on Thursday night at 7:00 pm at the West Club Campus. You can sign up for this group at www.summitrdu.com/freedom

Ministry to Mom’s Who Experience Miscarriage – In this ministry we pair mothers who have recently lost an unborn or stillborn child with other mothers with similar experience to walk with one another during this unique time of grief. These are informal, one-on-one relationships. If you are a mother who has experienced the loss of an unborn child and would be willing to mentor or if you have recently lost a child and are looking for someone to walk with you at this time, please contact Eli Hawkins at elihawkins.summit@gmail.com

 

If you want to lean more about Summit’s Freedom Group ministry, here is (1) the core value of Freedom Groups — What are Freedom Groups, (2) an outline of the nine steps used for suffering groups —  9 Steps (suffering), and (3) the “job description” of a Freedom Group member — JOB — group member (suffering).

If you want to learn more about the miscarriage ministry, here is a one page “job description” (JOB — grieving mom mentor) that describes the qualifications and role of the mentor in this relationship.

Forgiveness Made Easier: Part I

by brad on November 14, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with 2 Comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“It is going to be hard enough, anyway, but I think there are two things we can do to make it easier. When you start mathematics you do not begin with the calculus; you begin with simple addition. In the same way, if we really want (but all depends on really wanting) to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo (p.116).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis graciously starts the difficult lesson of forgiveness with two important and sequential questions. First, do I really want to forgive? Second, only if the answer to the first question is yes, where do I begin with this arduous task?

Wanting to forgive is almost an oxy-moron. The experience of being hurt, slighted, or offended is predicated upon a sense of justice. Without a sense of justice, there would be no standard of fairness to be violated. But forgiveness is anti-fairness. So forgiveness is not just emotionally challenging, it fights against the very experience that calls for it.

Wanting to forgive comes from valuing something more than the offense. In many cases the “something” is the relationship with the offender. But when (a) there is no substantive relationship with the offender, (b) the offense is greater than the relationship, or (c) the accumulation of offenses is greater than the relationship, then the “want to” gets challenged in this mathematical/investment approach to forgiveness.

The difficult is wanting to forgive when forgiveness is (or at least is perceived to be) a bad relational investment. This is what we mean most often when we say, “You don’t deserve to be forgiven.” No one deserves to be forgiven; “deserve” and “forgive” are mutually exclusive. What we mean is, “Forgiving you would be a bad relational investment for me.” There are times when this is a completely true and unselfish statement.

This leads us to C.S. Lewis’ second question. If we start with trying to resolve the “worst deals” we will likely be overwhelmed and give up. Even Jesus’ teaching radically redefining the investment mentality towards forgiveness (Matt. 18:21-35) may serve to discourage us.

When we engage in genuine forgiveness for “lesser offenses” we learn something about forgiveness; it is a blessing to us. There is more than one prisoner set free. The offender is set free from the moral (but not legal, if applicable) obligation of his/her offense. But we are also set free. As Nancy Leigh DeMoss says  in Choosing Forgiveness, “You see, God never intended our bodies to hold up under the weight of unresolved conflict and bitterness (p. 67).”

It is in the practice of forgiveness that we realize how the investment truly works. We are playing a game with grace-rigged scales. The investment we make in forgiveness is not directly or exclusively in the other person. The investment is primarily a faith investment in God and His kingdom. God extends the influence of the gospel in our lives as we extend the influence of the gospel in our world through forgiveness.

As we practice forgiveness in these “lesser offenses” we begin to realize that the primary “return on investment” is not from the offender to us, but from God to us and God through us. As we grow  to trust in this pattern and more wise in the practice of forgiveness, then our willingness and ability to forgive in the “greater offenses” increases.

Teaching Healthy Family Communication

by brad on November 11, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.  You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
– Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Most Christian parents have considered these verses.  The application can too often be reduced to, “We should talk about God and the Bible a lot.”  This is true, but if left there can result either in multiple prolonged monologues or guilt for not knowing what to say.  A second common application is that, “We should decorate our homes with biblical stuff.”  This too is true, but if left there our homes can become a VBS crafts museum.

This post seeks to give one example of how to apply the two principles discussed above.  There are many other applications that could be made and I encourage families to be creative.

CRAFT:  Get three bowls and place them on the kitchen table.  Fill the first bowl with pieces of an old towel cut into small pieces and tied with a ribbon.  Fill the second bowl with small plastic hearts or pictures of hearts printed on the computer.  Fill the third bowl with small plastic shields or pictures of a shield printed on the computer.

TOWEL:  The towels represent service.  The towel is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family voluntarily serves someone else.  Use your concordance to find verses on service. Print these verses and tie them to the small pieces of towel.

SHIELD: The shield represents a lack of defensiveness.  In difficult communication we are faced with the choice to protect others or defend ourselves.  The shield is a gift of recognition given when a member of the family resists a natural opportunity to be defensive or deceitful.  Use your concordance to find verses on other mindedness, confession, honesty, integrity, and vulnerability. Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the shields.

HEART:  The heart represents tender, active listening.  Whenever someone wants to show love to another member of the family by listening they should ask, “May I hold your heart?”  While they listen they should hold the heart with an open hand.  Once they have been able to accurately summarize what they have heard, they then return the heart and say, “Thank you for sharing your heart with me.”  Use your concordance to find words on love, listening, and compassion.  Print these verses and place them in the bowl with the hearts.

By placing these bowls on the dinner table, the family will frequently remind themselves of these important foundations of healthy communication: service, lack of defensiveness, and sincere listening.  By placing Scripture with each item, there is the opportunity to highlight the Bible being lived out in the family’s life—this allows the blessing of Godly communication to be captured “in the moment.”

Young children will enjoy being able to collect the various tokens.  Parents should take the opportunity to model the principles of each token before their children in role play.  Parents should also role play conversations with each of the children.  After role playing tokens should be passed parent-parent, parent-child, child-parent, and child-child.  The goal is to give the family “eyes to see” good communication—too often we only pay attention to the negative.  Also, after discipline in which one of these principles was violated, the parent should discuss how the towel, shield, or heart would have made things different.

As you use this tool, you will get to know the strengths and weaknesses of each family member.  Some will have many towels and another will have lots of hearts.  This is a great opportunity to celebrate the strengths of each family member.  It is also an opportunity to discuss having a balanced character.

If this tool proves to be an effective way to disciple your family, you can use it with other virtues.  First, identify the virtue that needs extra attention in your family.  Second, select a positively conotated object to represent that virtue.  Third, research Scripture passages that speak about that virtue.  Fourth, explain to the family the new object and role play its enactment.

I would not advise using an incentive system for this tool (i.e., ice cream for the first person with five shields).  The reward for this tool is the peace, affection, and unity it brings.  This is not a race or competition. If it has to be “enforced,” then you are dealing with a matter of discipline not instruction.  This tool is merely a tool of instruction (hopefully with a cute motivational twist).

The goal for this exercise is to bring Scripture application to life and create a positive context for seeking Christ-like character and expressions of love within the family.  If it allows for enjoyable and creative discussions of biblical principles that tend to be abstract, then it has achieved its purpose.

At the Corner of Small Groups and Counseling

by brad on November 9, 2011 in Church Resource with No comments

This post was originally posted the Biblical Counseling Coalition blog “Grace & Truth.” It is a part of their current two week series on how local churches interface their small group and counseling ministries.

Where do small groups and counseling intersect at The Summit Church (www.summitrdu.com)? We are exploring the possibilities of this question with great intentionality, creativity, and passion. At The Summit we divide our ministries into “teams” and counseling is on the small group team, so we want them to intersect frequently, dynamically, practically, and organically.

In fact, we consider one of the most important roles of the Pastor of Counseling to be equipping small group leaders and members to effectively care for one another in the body of Christ. We will unpack how we are striving to accomplish this objective below.

Structuring to Match the Strategy

Before going further on the interaction between small groups and counseling, it should be noted that small groups are the hub of ministry at The Summit Church. By that we mean we strategically organize our church so that people flow into one main place, a small group, where they are then mobilized to go out and do ministry. The small group becomes the hub where we care for one another and together minister to our surrounding community. This is the strategy we’ve chosen for creating a clear “next step” for the marginally connected to move into active participation in the life of the church.

Putting such an emphasis on small groups puts an equally significant weight on how we structure for the development, support, and equipping of these groups. Central to the competency of a small group leader is his or her ability to lovingly guide others through the ebbs and flows of life on the foundation of the Scriptures. In that sense, the bulk of our counseling happens in these groups (we call such care “one-anothering” care for reasons explained below). Thus small groups become care communities and so merging the small groups and counseling staff teams is nothing more than a reflection of what is happening in the congregation.

The blending of these ministries has mainstreamed the influence of our counseling team and brought their expertise into the living rooms of The Summit Church. We are grateful to God for this and believe the greatest results are yet to come.

The rest of this post will discuss the relationship between small groups and counseling with the acknowledgement that our small groups intersect with many other ministries of the church.

What Does It Look Like?

Our attempt to make this connection begins with defining four levels of one-on-one ministry of the Word within our church: counseling, shepherding, mentoring, and one-anothering. These progress from the most formal interaction with a highly trained individual to the most informal “doing life together relationships.”

Our desire is that all four levels of care contain the same gospel-centered, change-happens-in-community DNA with varying degrees of expertise, confidentiality, and availability. The counseling ministry seeks to reinforce and unpack this DNA at all four levels through our seminar ministry.

We offer seminars on various subjects. Each seminar is made available in brief video segments and comes with a manual for group study or personal mentoring. The last two have been “Overcoming Anger” and “Taking the Journey of Grief with Hope.” These seminars are designed for several purposes.

  • One-Anothering – To train our small group leaders to care for their members.
  • One-Anothering – To become a curriculum that small groups can study together.
  • One Anothering – To provide tools for small groups to care for one another.
  • Mentoring – To launch short-term, mentor-level, lay-led support groups (we call them Freedom Groups) that transition graduates into our small group ministry.
  • Shepherding – To provide our pastors with quality, subject-based resources that allow them to shepherd individuals with greater confidence and naturally funnels the counseling case into the small group ministry of the church.
  • Counseling – [This phase is currently in development.] To provide a structured material for our graduate counseling interns from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary to gain experience and provide additional face-to-face counseling hours for our church and community.

From that overview, it should be obvious that everything the counseling ministry does is designed to equip our small group leaders and create a path for counselees (even if they begin with a mentor, shepherd, or counselor) to become active members of a small group. Without small groups our counseling ministry would have to try to replace the church through a therapeutic relationship or release people back into the isolation that allowed their struggle to fester to a life-dominating level. With small groups our counseling ministry can help people through a given life crisis and direct them to a community that fosters healthy relationships and a godly purpose.

Equipping the saints

By embedding the counseling ministry on the small group’s team and channeling the resources we develop towards small group life, we are developing an atmosphere of equipped leaders who understand the resources within their church to help with someone’s struggle when it is more than they feel prepared to handle.

As usual, the overview is much neater than the reality. We are still learning a great deal about how to coordinate these various pieces. Our current collaborative effort between small groups and counseling has developed in the last year (more precisely 10 months). But we are excited about initial fruit we are seeing and the confidence we see growing in our people to care for one another and to use counseling to reach their community (which because of the design puts these unchurched friends on a direct course to small group involvement).

Forgiveness: If Received, Then Required

by brad on November 7, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“’Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us.’ There is no slightest suggestion that we are offered forgiveness on any other terms. It is made perfectly clear that if we do not forgive we shall not be forgiven. There are no two ways about it. What are we to do (p.116)?” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

I once heard a pastor say that if he preached every sermon on forgiveness, he still would address the subject enough. Well, if he preached with this kind of punch, he also might not have a job. It’s not that I disagree with C.S. Lewis (or have the audacity to disagree with Jesus), but it just hurts to have this truth articulated in such a straight-forward manner.

The force of Jesus’ words reminds of us a central truth to our Christian walk – when we were forgiven we were purchased and therefore no longer belong to Satan or even ourselves (I Cor. 6:19-20). Jesus does not speak as a contractor making a recommendation about repairs to the owner of the house (our lives). Jesus speaks as the Builder and Twice-Owner (by creation and redemption) of the house (our lives).

We are like the renter who has been in a house for so long that we naturally call it our own and increasingly treat as our own, even though we know we pay the “rent” and not the “mortgage.” We are so comfortable in “our life” that when the Owner speaks we get offended and try to find a way to escort Him off His property.

In effect, the command to forgive is God saying, “I let you live morally rent free (paid daily by the blood of Christ), so I expect you not to charge anyone else moral rent. If you must, charge their moral rent to the same account that pays your own.” In that sense, it is actually a very, very kind command.

Think about it. What if someone offered to pay for your housing and their requirement of you was that if someone else ever owed you money to tell them to pay that debt too? Would you take the deal? The only reason that you would hesitate is to verify that it was a legitimate offer.

So when we are offended by the command to forgive others, it is us who have to answer the hard questions, not God. We have to explain how we feel justified in accepting free moral rent while trying to retain the “right” to charge others moral rent. Our indignation is actually our shame.

But that shame is covered with the same offer as our prior debt if we will humble ourselves and receive it. God is not a Landlord who delights in evicting his tenants (don’t stretch the metaphor to encompass the assurance of salvation). But rather God will forgive the debts of unforgiven-debts if we will surrender our perceived right to collect them.

The question becomes, “Who do we think we are?” If we are the same person who prayed “the sinner’s prayer,” then we are welcome to live in God’s provision all our life (temporal and eternal). However, if we believe we have become a different caliber of person, then we will live with all the moral, emotional, and relational “luxury” that our merit can provide. That is the equivalent of being homeless.

Live in grace and allow others to be your house guest.

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