Archive for March, 2011

Good Words; Unpleasant Experiences

by brad on March 9, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

There are many words that we can say with a positive feeling – growing, learning, patience, or courage. Any reasonable person would think it was a good thing to have more of these qualities. We look up to people who have these qualities and impress their importance upon our children.

Yet each one of them is unpleasant to attain. Growing means I haven’t arrived yet. Learning requires acknowledging areas of ignorance. Patience can only be expressed in the presence of an agitant. Courage reveals that I am afraid.

I believe it was this paradox that drove the Beatitudes. Think about this list of words and phrases: poor in spirit, mourn, meek, hunger and thirst for righteousness, mercy, pure in heart, and peacemakers. Jesus said these were blessed dispositions.

They are blessed not because they are pleasant, but because they are worthy and they are evidences of the kind of life we were designed to live. They force us to live authentically in community and acknowledge our weaknesses. When we do that, we are blessed.

The challenge is not to put pleasant experiences ahead of character. We want both and we can have both, but only when one (character) comes first. This is such a basic truth. We teach it to our children every time they complain about studying. It is the foundation of any program of budgeting, dieting, or fitness.

But we all try to cheat the system, and we all doubt it when we are at the beginning or middle of the process. We think, “This is good. I feel fear, insecurity, doubt, etc…” That is when we need the courage (a good word with unpleasant experience) to admit our doubt to people who will remind us of what is true.

Yet it is the doubt that would cause us to shrink back and become fake or offensive to those who should be our ally. If we become offensive (allowing our fear to express itself as anger), then push away those who could be our encouragement and experience the guilt we feared for now legitimate reasons. If we become fake (allowing our fear to cause us to hide), then we are unable to receive the encouragement given because it is not able to fit our actual experience.

The point is not to be naïve about the “good words” of life. They are good, but they are not easy. And this is for good reason; every good thing is a reflection of our Holy God. I will not ever measure up to good, because I was not created to compete with goodness, but to surrender to it and worship it. But this worship and surrender is not to a standard or concept, but to embodiment of good – Jesus Christ.

It is this realization that allows me to fall forward (whether falling is the bowing of worship or the repentance after sin) towards good. I am relieved of the burden of goodness (I have been given the righteousness of Christ, Romans 5:17) and free for the chase after the character of my Father like any child longs to be like their Papa (Ephesians 5:1).

This childlike imitation is probably the only time when the effort to become “good” is not a burden, but remains the sheer delight it was intended to be. May we be content to chase hard after God and His character like the beloved children we are.

Humilitarian: The New Moral Diet

by brad on March 7, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“Remember, this repentance, this willing submission to humiliation and a kind of death is not something God demands of you before He will take you back and which he could let you off if He chose: it is simply a description of what going back to Him is like. If you ask God to take you back without it, you are really asking Him to let you go back without going back. It cannot happen (p. 57).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

That last line, “asking Him to let you go back without going back,” sounds so much like us. How often do we try to apologize without acknowledging wrong or personal responsibility?

  • I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.
  • I’m sorry if you took what I said in an offensive way.
  • I shouldn’t have acted that way, but you were being so unreasonable.
  • Maybe I over-reacted, but I’m only human.

We want conscience relief without moral responsibility. We want forgiveness without ever having to be guilty. We want heaven without really needing Jesus.

 As C.S. Lewis concisely summarizes, “It cannot happen.”

All of this reminds us again that repentance is more than remorse. Repentance is the beginning of the end – the end of our pride, the end of justifying our sin, the end of self-reliance. At heart, we are all good addicts. We see this in the moment of conviction, but quickly convince ourselves it is not the case as soon as the crisis of our sin is over.

Lewis is staging an intervention. In a moment of non-crisis he is pointing out how wrong and self-contradictory our thinking really is. Only our fellow sin-addicted friends would even consider telling us we’re right.

The question of repentance becomes, “What do you want more: to return to God or to move forward in your sin?” There is no middle ground. We spend a lifetime trying to say this simple question is “really more complicated than that.”

But its not complicated; its just difficult. The choice is clear – die to self and live for God It’s the execution that is challenging, because repentance is a way of life not an event. This is not a one time slice of humble pie. It’s a lifestyle as a “humilitarian” (that’s a hybrid word from vegetarian and humility).

As Christians, we propose a life lived exclusively on a diet of humility. We say that it is the prescription for mental, relational, and spiritual health. We propose that diet with any amount of pride, defensiveness, or self-justification is toxic.

This is why we need Christ. We know what is healthy and can advocate it with passion for others. But we want to “go back without going back” until we are completely won over by the One who experienced the real death of which repentance only reminds us. That is what shakes us from our prideful stupor and makes it clear that what we saw as “going back” was really “going forward” all the time.

Suffering & Sin: Two Experiences in One Life

by brad on March 4, 2011 in Application Supplement, Counseling Reflection with No comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “what now” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon “Surprise: Luke 1:5-25,” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday March 5-6, 2011.

In this sermon we saw Elizabeth and Zechariah deal with suffering in the form of infertility. The Bible goes out of its way to emphasize this suffering was not the result God punishing this couple (v. 6). Yet at the same time we also saw Zechariah experience God’s discipline for his sin of unbelief (v. 20). Two different kinds of bad things were happening, but we can be sure the unpleasant emotions (anger, shame, grief, overwhelmed, confusion) blurred the line between the two in the mind and heart of this couple.

During difficult seasons, we can experience the same confusion. It feels like everything is against us and we can’t catch a break, so we assume God is punishing us for something we did wrong. The Psalmist felt that way (Psalm 102:10) in his suffering (v. 1-9) even when there was no indication of his sin or God’s anger in the passage.

We want an answer, we’re mentally spent by our circumstances, so we lump all our struggles into the big basket of sin because it fits well with how miserable we already feel. The problem is it makes God feel far away and dangerous instead of a “very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).” It is easy and it feels right, but it costs us a lot in terms of hope.

We see in Zechariah a “gritty” example of what happens when we resist the urge to interpret life as God’s punishment. Zechariah was afraid to hope. For years he and Elizabeth held onto hope to the end of every monthly cycle, only to have their hope dashed with “not pregnant.” What suffering are you facing and what are the reminders that tempt you to fear or resent hope?

Zechariah acted on his hopelessness in sinful unbelief. Can you blame him? Because of this God disciplined Zechariah by making him mute (v. 20) and deaf (v. 22) for 9 months. How has your experience of suffering increased temptation for you?

Yet because Zechariah did not blame God for his suffering (based on Jewish beliefs he probably wrongly blamed himself) or label his suffering punishment, he could trust God during his discipline. This is really the key part of the battle for most of us. When you are going through hard times, do you consider whether your difficultly is sin or suffering?

Zechariah continued to live by faith. Where’s that? Zechariah was intimate with his wife; something often emotionally painful for a couple who longs for a child but has given up on hope. Zechariah and Elizabeth still had a vital role to play in the fulfillment of God’s promise. We also see his in that the Zechariah’s mouth was filled with praise when his tongue was loosed (v. 64). What daily tasks or seemingly “unspiritual” activities can you continue to do as an expression of trust in God and love for others?

We are not setting Zechariah up as the hero of this story. It is story of the coming Messiah and God graciously making His coming known. But Zechariah is an example of resisting the temptation to allow our suffering to distort our interpretation of life and God. It is by resisting temptation to interpret that we are able to see, participate, and rejoice in God’s activity around us.

As you reflect on this passage, I would encourage you to pay close attention to how you interpret hardships. If we call the consequences of sin suffering, then we become the perceived victim of our own sin and resent God for not comforting us. However, equally devastating is when we call suffering the consequences of sin, and perceive God’s condemnation when He offers His comfort.

The Pain of Infertility

by brad on March 3, 2011 in Uncategorized with No comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “what now” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon “Surprise: Luke 1:5-25,” preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday March 5-6, 2011.

In this sermon we saw Elizabeth and Zechariah deal with infertility. Actually, we only saw the end of their struggle. As Zechariah said (with his foot belonging in his mouth), “I’m old and my wife is really old (v. 7).” For a couple that had lived a long life mutually honoring God (v. 6), this pain was not new.

Doubtless, this hope-deferred makes the heart sick experience (Prov. 13:12) was part of the reason Zechariah refused to allow himself to believe that God would bless them with a child when God had arranged for angel to meet him in the Holy of Holies to make the announcement. It hurt too much to believe.  Zechariah would take his chances with a flaming warrior of light in order to avoid falsely hoping he could be called, “Papa.”

One (mild) piece of comfort is that barrenness often occurs where God is at work in mighty ways (Gen 11:30, 25:21, 29:31; Judges 13:2; Luke 1:7). We can often wonder, “Why is God punishing me? Why is He withholding this good thing? What have I done?” The pain of our unfulfilled dream is multiplied by our interpretation of God’s anger or absence.

As a church, this is one of the long and bumpy roads we walk with one another as we “do life together.” It is long, because it is indefinite. It is bumpy because we wonder every month whether this will be our turn and because it becomes painful to hear of other people’s joys concerning children.

On this subject, I would recommend an article by Kimberly and Philip Monroe. I recommend the article only secondarily because Phil is excellent counselor, personal friend, and has a great heart for the Lord. The primary reason I recommend the article is because they have modeled the vulnerable courage to open this painful part of their life to others.

With that said, I believe it is both the content and the example of this article that I would recommend. I do believe that you will find words of comfort taken from the Scriptures that point you to the hope of Christ found in the Gospel. But I also believe you will find two of God’s children walking the road of dependence upon God and be encouraged by their example.

To read the article “The Bible and the Pain of Infertility” click here.

Crisis Forgiveness vs. Post-Crisis Forgiveness

by brad on March 2, 2011 in Counseling Reflection with 1 Comment
  • A spouse has been unfaithful
  • A spouse hides a major amount of debt
  • A teenager “borrows” the car and wrecks it
  • A friend shares your damaging secret

There are many times when we are called to forgive. Usually the moment when the offense is revealed is a powerful moment. It often feels overwhelming. Frequently, in these times, we can muster up the courage and love to say, “I forgive you and I am willing to do whatever it takes to restore this relationship.”

The time after a statement like that can be trying. We battle with fear, anger, mistrust, shame, and intrusive thoughts. We feel the full battle of redemption. We catch a glimpse of why Jesus had to die on a cross to pay for our sin. Forgiveness is excruciating.

By God’s grace, often the battle lightens. Things become a bit “normal” again. At first that is a relief; a welcomed respite. But then, as our mind and soul recovers, we begin to realize that we are “living as if nothing ever happened.”

When we offend (in lesser ways) the person whom we forgave, we are now the one to repent. Everyday irritants call for patience and grace but we still feel like we have been gracious and patient enough. Our spouse, child, or friend offends us again (in lesser and different ways) and we are called to relate to them independent of the original offense. This is post-crisis forgiveness.

Crisis forgiveness was, in many ways, easier. It was heroic. It was focused. It forced us to our knees in reliance upon God’s strength. Post-crisis forgiveness comes when we are grace-weary. It is mundane. It must cover a multitude of (little) sins, not just one big one. It can easily be distracted by so many things we are trying to catch up on (which we neglected during crisis forgiveness).

Post-crisis forgiveness calls us to appreciate the incarnation as much as the crucifixion. Christ came and lived among us for over three decades. Christ lived in our sin (a fallen broken world with selfish, manipulative, backstabbing friends) in addition to becoming sin for us. Post-crisis forgiveness calls us to emulate this aspect of Christ-likeness as well.

Too often we assume that the restoration process will go directly from forgiveness to peace. However, especially when the offense being forgiven has traumatic qualities, there is a middle stage. If we forget this, we may wrongly assume that we have failed to forgive when we meet these new challenges. Rather, it means that we have moved to a new stage of restoration; from cancelling the debt to restoring trust.

Saying that there is sometimes a middle stage to restoration does not change the necessity or requirements of forgiveness. Nor does it allow the one being forgiven to rush or demand quicker restoration.  It does remind us that the Bible is more than a collection of commands. It is a portrait of our complete life experience captured in the person of Christ and with every struggle we face it is a call to marvel and emulate more of His character.

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