VLOG – How Can Counseling Help Survivors of Sexual Abuse?

by brad on May 20, 2013 in Church Resource with 1 Comment

I have been sexually abused and I keep hearing people say that I need to get counseling. But I don’t see how counseling is going to help. It can’t make the things that happen to me untrue; counseling can’t unwrite history. Thinking about what happened makes life worse; I can’t imagine how talking about it to a stranger would feel. I want things to be better and would do counseling if I thought it would help. Can you tell me what I could expect and how counseling might benefit me?

Resources: Here are several resources that can be useful in preparing for of following up with the conversation discussed in this VLOG post.

Note: The VLOG (video-blog) Q&A is a regular series on my blog. If you would like to submit a question, it can be e-mail to Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com; admin over counseling at The Summit Church). Please limit your questions to 3-7 sentences. This is not a forum for to request or receive counseling. No responses will be sent to questions other those selected for a video response.

 

GCM “Finances” Video 5: Getting Into Saving

by brad on May 17, 2013 in Church Resource with No comments

This video segment is one of five presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Finances” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, communication, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

GCM Communication Part 5 from Equip on Vimeo.

Memorize: I Timothy 6:17-19 (ESV), “As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “The rich” – By a global standard, even the poor in America are rich. We should view ourselves accordingly.
  • “Set their hopes” – The big issue of greed is not hoarding or cheating, but a false foundation of our hope.
  • “Provides… to enjoy” – God truly wants us to enjoy the blessings He has brought into our life.
  • “Be generous” – One of primary the joys of the blessings God gives should be to share those blessings with others.
  • “Truly life” – When we spend money we spend our life, so we should seek to get “true life” in return.

 Teaching Notes

“We will evaluate where true security and safety are found in this world, and in the end we will determine not to waste our lives on anything but uncompromising, unconditional abandonment to a gracious, loving Savior who invites us to take radical risk and promises us radical reward (p. 21).” David Platt in Radical

“Charity—giving to the poor—is an essential part of Christian morality… I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditure on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc… is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving away too little. If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charitable expenditure excludes them (p. 81-82).” C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

“God prospers me not to raise my standard of living, but to raise my standard of giving (p. 73).” Randy Alcorn in The Treasure Principle

“If your treasures are on earth, that means each day brings you closer to losing your treasures (p. 40)… He who spends his life moving away from his treasures has reason to despair. He who spends his life moving toward his treasure has reason to rejoice (p. 43).” Randy Alcorn in The Treasure Principle

“As base a thing as money often is, it yet can be transmuted into everlasting treasure. It can be converted into food for the hungry and clothing for the poor; it can keep a missionary actively winning lost men in the light of the gospel and thus transmuted itself into heavenly values. Any temporal possession can be turned into everlasting wealth. Whatever is given to Christ is immediately touched with immortality (p. 107).” A.W. Tozer in Born After Midnight

“The reason the use of your money provides a good foundation for eternal life is not that generosity earns eternal life, but that it shows where your heart is. Generosity confirms that our hope is in God and not in ourselves or our money (p. 167).” John Piper Desiring God

Overview – Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Decision Making

by brad on May 16, 2013 in Event Promotion with 1 Comment

Trying to learn how to make decisions, as an individual or as a couple, can feel a bit like trying to learn how to breathe. It seems like something that has to be natural in order to be effective. If we had to think about breathing, then we’d fear getting distracted and suffocating. When we think about being intentional in our decision making it can quickly feel like such an effort would take over our lives.

There is good deal of merit to this concern. If we tried to bring overt thought and prescribe processes to every individual or marital decision in order to ensure that we arrived at the will of God, then our lives would be paralyzed. We would live in fear or fail to complete a large number of tasks that life requires.

But we’ve all been burned by the alternative. After a bad decision we put on our “20/20 Hindsight Glasses” and see how greater intentionality could have alleviated the unpleasant outcome. We begin to think it would be “worth it” to run our decisions through some kind of process. But it’s hard to determine what level of decision warrants this process (where’s “the line”?) and what kind of process to use for each decision.

These challenges emerge before we introduce the difficulty of two-party decision making required in marriage. It is hard enough to answer these questions as an individual, but they are multiplied when married couples must both agree (mental consent) and cooperate (logistical follow through) on decisions.

These are the challenges we are tackling in this seminar. In order to address these challenges, we will divide decision making into three arenas. Too often, couples try to force all decision making to fit into one or two of these arenas. They may do this for convenience (but simple becomes simplistic) or conviction (emphasizing some part of what Scripture teaches to the neglect of other parts). Either way, their life lacks balance and begins to show the corresponding wear-and-tear.

1. Personal Decision Making (Disciple; Eph. 5:15-17): The foundation of a healthy couple is two individuals committed to wise personal decision making. We must be a faithful disciple of Christ before we will be a good husband/wife to our spouse. It is neither possible nor advisable for a couple to consult each other on every decision they make. Shared values, agreed upon life structures (i.e., calendar and budget), and appreciation for what is important to each other comprise the foundation of personal decision making that will bless a marriage. We will discuss how to approach personal decision making in chapters two and three.

2. Consensus Decision Making (Friends; Eph. 5:21): Another large portion of marital decisions will be made as friends through the process of consensus. This is how two individuals begin to shape “our life” together that represents the new “we” more than the individual “me’s.” As a couple grows in their knowledge and sacrifice for another, this arena of decision making should become the significant majority of their shared decision making. Consensus should be the default approach to decision making throughout marriage. How to approach consensus decision making will be discussed in chapter four.

3. Corporate Decision Making (Headship-Submission; Eph. 5:22-31): Not all decisions can be made through consensus. Couples will not agree on every decision. Some decisions do not allow for a “middle ground” because of limited options. How and when to engage the headship-submission style of decision making will be discussed in chapter five. But a brief preface will be made here. The fact that God gives husbands the role of headship in these kinds of decisions does not mean the husband must/should choose his preference in each instance. While the final call does belong to the husband, it is an unwise husband who always calls his own number.

 

CREATING A GOSPEL-CENTERED MARRIAGE: DECISION MAKING
Part One:  Saturday June 1, 2013
Part Two: Saturday June 8, 2013
Time: 4:00 to 5:30 pm or 6:00 to 7:30 pm
Location: The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue
Address: 2415-107 Presidential Drive; Durham, NC 27703
Cost: Free
RSVP: Part One (June 1) // Part Two (June 8)

CGCM slide decisionmaking

Psalm 55 Personalized for Sexual Abuse

by brad on May 15, 2013 in Event Promotion with 2 Comments

In his booklet Recovering from Child Abuse: Healing and Hope for Victims David Powlison identified Psalms 55, 56, and 57 as particularly good Psalms for helping victims of abuse put their experience into words. The Psalms were meant by God to help us put our experiences into words, but for many people (especially those who were “silenced” after their abuse) this can be difficult.

The example below is an attempt to rewrite Psalm 55 to put the experience of sexual abuse at the hands of a family member or trusted friend into words. It is advised to read Psalm 55 in your Bible first. Then read this post. Afterwards you might try to rewrite it to allow God to give words to your experience.

Here is this exercise in a printable PDF format: Psalm 55 Personalized for Sexual Abuse

1. Oh God please hear me. Don’t pretend that this is not happening. I need you!

2. Be silent no longer. Say something. Let me know you are there. I am overwhelmed as I cry and convulse over what happened to me. I can’t eat, sleep, or think.

3. My abuser made such awful noises. He took pleasure in my pain and degradation. He over-powered me. There was nothing I could do. He must hate me to keep doing this. What have I done?! What could cause such hatred and disregard?!

4. My soul quakes. Heart-break feels romantic compared to this. This is worse than death.

5. Panic attacks and the fear of panic attacks assail me. My body tremors in rebellion against me. I can’t control my movements. Fear divides my heart, soul, mind, body, and will to attack them separately.

6. Like Jenny in Forest Gump, I want to be a bird and fly away. I want to escape to a place of rest.

7. That place of rest would have to be far away, but there is one, right? I would travel however far, by whatever means, if only You promise there is somewhere I can go.

8. If you would just tell me the direction I would leave now. I would drive all night. I want peace more than sleep. Without peace sleep is useless. Sleep is just part of the storm with its nightmares and waking up realizing I’ve got to fake it through another day.

9. Take justice! Do to them what they have done to my soul. Don’t let them multiply my shame by talking of this deed. Don’t let them mock me or worse talk like nothing happened.

10. I can’t believe I live in a world/country where this is “common.” It’s always being reported on the news or another documentary. Every time I hear it I am reminded. The pain echoes; worse it flashes back.

11. There is a whole industry of sexual degradation in our culture – porn. Its bigger than the NFL. They write and glorify stories like mine. There is an audience who pays for it, even with children.

12. But I can’t blame culture or an “industry” for my pain. It is no stranger who dined on my soul. It was not an enemy who was getting even. If it were, then I could be more protected. I could appeal to family and friends for help… and they might believe me.

13. But I knew him! I trusted him! My trust was used against me. My trust was the Trojan horse that let him in. How was I supposed to know?

14. We had so many good talks before that. We went to church together. We prayed together. He taught me Bible lessons. How much of that was a lie? What does it mean to have your soul betrayed by a friend and a “friend of God”?

15. May the death they have sparked in me explode in their own life and them live to experience it. Oh, that they would know the full degree of pain it was possible for them to create. Let their heart vomit its content into their own soul.

16. But I call to you God. No one is capable of handling what is before me except You. It takes omnipotence to overpower my pain, omnipresence to get your arms around it, and omniscience to fathom it. Only You can help me.

17. My pain is before me all day and at night when I am not sleeping. I don’t know what else to do but cry to You. So You hear from me a lot. Everything in my life reminds me of my pain and my pain reminds me of my need for you constantly.

18. You are the one who keeps soldiers safe in the midst of battles. I am in the fight of my life and won’t make it without You. My abusers, pain, memories, and fears out number me greatly.

19. God I trust the lies and deception do not outlive You. You hear, see, and know the truth. This sin was as arrogant against You as it was ravaging to me. He will not stand or smirk in Your presence.

20. My father/uncle/friend attacked me and violated the trust of our friendship and, with it, my willingness to allow anyone to get close again.

21. I replay his words over and over again, but cannot figure out what I should have heard. The terror of his intentions was hidden from so many. Were all of his compliments intentional instruments of death or were some of them sincere?

22. This was not my fault. God calls me righteous as His child. He asks me to cry to Him. He is not ashamed of me. God is angered by anyone who would shun or condemn me for what happened to me.

23. But God is more angered by my rapist. Sexual predators will answer for their sin. Yet in His fury against them God is still safe for me. I will come near, leave my shame, look in Your eyes, and have my trust restored.

HOPE & RESTORATION AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE
Thursday May 23, 2013 from 9:00 to Noon
Saturday May 25, 2013 from 4:00 to 7:00 pm
Location: The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue
Address: 2415-107 Presidential Drive; Durham, NC 27703
Cost: Free
RVSP: Thursday Presentation // Saturday Presentation

hope and restoration slide

Tweets of the Week 5.14.13

by brad on May 14, 2013 in Guest Materials with 3 Comments

There is great value in saying something in a memorable, concise manner. Twitter has caused us to make this a near spiritual discipline. For my own growth (as a generally verbose individual… that’s a long way of saying “wordy”) and for the benefit of others, I highlight tweets each week that deliver a big message in a few words.

VLOG: How Can I Pray for Someone in Intense Suffering?

by brad on May 13, 2013 in Church Resource with 4 Comments

How can I pray for someone in intense suffering? When I someone tells me about losing their child or having been sexually abused I know I should pray with them. There aren’t “answers” that are going to “fix” the situation. They need God’s comfort and to know His presence. But when I think about what to pray nothing seems “right.” Can you help me handle these situations better?

Resources: Here are several resources that can be useful in preparing for of following up with the conversation discussed in this VLOG post.

  • The Gospel for Sin and Suffering: Often we are more skilled at applying the gospel and Scripture to sin than we are to suffering. In videos three and four of the Summit Counseling Core Training we walk through how God speaks to sin and suffering differently. For this question, video four would be most applicable.
  • Article: SUFFERING_GOSPEL_article_Hambrick Here is an article that walks through Psalm 102 as an example of how God gives us words to pray back to Him in the midst of our suffering.
  • Outline of key points in this video
    1. Use the person’s name several times as you pray.
    2. Acknowledge this prayer comes with unpleasant emotions by mentioning the specific emotions this person shared with you in prayer (i.e., fear, anger, confusion, etc…)
    3. Thank God that we can come to him with these honest, raw emotions in prayer.
    4. Affirm the courage of this person to God in prayer.
    5. Thank God for allowing this person to  have a safe place to talk and seek help.
    6. Pray for protection over this person’s thoughts and emotions in the coming days.
    7. Pray that God would give them the strength to continue on their journey towards restoration.

Note: The VLOG (video-blog) Q&A is a regular series on my blog. If you would like to submit a question, it can be e-mail to Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com; admin over counseling at The Summit Church). Please limit your questions to 3-7 sentences. This is not a forum for to request or receive counseling. No responses will be sent to questions other those selected for a video response.

GCM “Finances” Video 3: Creating a Budget You Will Actually Use

by brad on May 10, 2013 in Church Resource with 2 Comments

This video segment is one of five presentations in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Finances” seminar. There will be four more seminars in this series covering the subjects: foundations, communication, decision making, and intimacy. As those presentations are ready they will be posted on this blog.

NOTE: Many people have asked how they can get a copy of the seminar notebook referenced in this verbal presentation. Summit members can pick up a copy of the notebook in the church office. For those outside the Summit family, you can request a copy from Amy LaBarr (alabarr@summitrdu.com), office administrator over counseling.

Monthly Operating Budget Template: GCMmonthlyBUDGET_TEMP

Budgeting Process Evaluation: Evaluation – Budgeting Process

Memorize: I Timothy 3:2-5 (ESV), “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children in submission, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?’” As you memorize this passage reflect upon these key points:

  • “Overseer” – While this passage speaks to pastors, it states these qualifications are to be applied first at home.
  • List – Notice how many things on this list can be, at least in part, tied to how we manage our finances.
  • “Sober-minded, self-controlled” – A budget allow us to be realistic and intentional with our money.
  • “Not quarrelsome” – A sign of spiritual maturity in marriage is the ability to talk about money without fighting.
  • “Manage… his household” – A budget is a tool that allows us to manage our home, which allows us to manage life.

Teaching Notes

“One of our central spiritual decisions is determining what is a reasonable amount to live on. Whatever that amount is—and it will legitimately vary from person to person—we shouldn’t hoard or spend in excess (p. 26).” Randy Alcorn in The Treasure Principle

“If you want to test a couple’s oneness in marriage, take a look at how they handle their finances (p. 185).” Dennis Rainey (editor) in Preparing for Marriage

“I never did anything worth doing by accident.” Plato

“The issue is not how much a person makes. Big industry and big salaries are a fact of our times, and they are not necessarily evil. The evil is in being deceived into thinking a $100,000 salary must be accompanied by a $100,000 lifestyle. God has made us to be conduits of his grace. The danger is in thinking the conduits should be lined with gold. It shouldn’t. Copper will do (p. 172-173).” John Piper Desiring God

My Heart for the “Hope & Restoration After Sexual Abuse” Seminar

by brad on May 8, 2013 in Event Promotion with 3 Comments

In our day we have done a much better job of trying to ensure that no one hurts in silence.  There are more programs in many of our churches for those who are facing the aftermath of divorce or who are struggling through an addiction.  More and more seminars are being provided for marital enrichment or emotional struggles like anxiety, depression, grief, anger, bitterness, or guilt.

Yet there are still relatively few resources for those who live with the effects of having been sexually abused.  Most of these people were silenced during and after their abuse (by threats of harm, intense feelings of shame, or the thought that no one would believe them).  They lost their voice.  Unfortunately now, because there is no place for them to speak of their abuse, they still have no voice.  This magnifies their pain and reinforces their fears.

No 3-hour seminar is going to give someone their voice back after years of isolated silence.  Neither will a brief seminar bring healing where significant damage has been done.  But I do hope that this seminar can do two things:

  1. Help people feel less alone with a struggle that is isolating in many ways.  It is natural to feel hopeless when you do not think anyone understands.  Hearing the nature and origin of your struggle put into words that make sense (when it has only been random and/or violent up to this point) is a first step in the direction of hope.
  2. Create a map of a struggle that is complex enough to make you feel crazy.  A map and journey are two different things, but a map sure helps with most journeys.  More than compassion alone, this seminar also hopes to offer direction and resources to assist you on your journey towards hope and restoration.

I hope in our time together we can answer (or at least begin to answer) questions like:

  • How does facing sexual trauma a child affect the process of developing as a person, emotionally, and relationally?
  • How are traumatic memories stored differently from “normal” memories?  How does this affect flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and other disturbing fear experiences?
  • Why is it so hard to trust again?  Why do I often choose such bad people to trust and go “all in” when I do?
  • Why don’t my emotions work like everyone else’s?  I feel numb at odds times.  Other times emotions come on too intensely.
  • Why do I feel like I am always on guard?  I can’t turn my mind off or quit waiting/looking for something to happen.  Will I ever know what “normal-normal” is?
  • How do I change beliefs that are rooted in fear more than logic?  If they were rooted in logic I could reason with them, but they’re not, so I feel powerless to change them.
  • Why does it alternate between feeling like everything matters and that nothing matters?
  • Why do some people who have been sexually abused take pleasure in hurting themselves (i.e., cutting, or other self-destructive behaviors) or hurting/abusing others?
  • If I know I am safe now, why doesn’t this all just go away?

HOPE & RESTORATION AFTER SEXUAL ABUSE
Thursday May 23, 2013 from 9:00 to Noon
Saturday May 25, 2013 from 4:00 to 7:00 pm
Location: The Summit Church, Brier Creek South Venue
Address: 2415-107 Presidential Drive; Durham, NC 27703
Cost: Free
RVSP: Thursday Presentation // Saturday Presentation

hope and restoration slide

Tweets of the Week 5.7.13

by brad on May 7, 2013 in Guest Materials with 3 Comments

There is great value in saying something in a memorable, concise manner. Twitter has caused us to make this a near spiritual discipline. For my own growth (as a generally verbose individual… that’s a long way of saying “wordy”) and for the benefit of others, I highlight tweets each week that deliver a big message in a few words.

C.S. Lewis on Looking

by brad on May 6, 2013 in Counseling Reflection with 6 Comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in (p. 227).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

lewisOne of the most common maladies of human perception can be summarized in the sentence, “We tend to see first what we fear most.” Think about it.

  •     If you fear rejection, what will you hear in most conversations?
  •     If you fear failure, what will you see the strong possibility of in most situations?
  •     If you fear insignificance, how will you see most of your accomplishments?

This is not a call to positive thinking. Pride can be just as distorting as insecurity and often carries much greater consequences. The traces of humility found in insecurity often allow it to be a less destructive distortion.

Instead, this is a call to self-awareness. What are you looking for and how does it affect what you see and what you feel? The influence is inevitable. Either we will become aware of blindness and ask God for eyes to see or we will remain blind to our blindness.

Those who look to or in themselves for hope will realize there is not “enough.” They may then despise themselves (hatred), isolate (loneliness), give up (despair), get angry (rage), make self-destructive choices (ruin), or merely do the best they can (decay). Regardless where they look determines what they see and what they do.

Those who look to Christ for hope will find that there is “more than enough.” Actually these individuals will see the same life challenges that those in the previous paragraph experience. Looking to Christ does not change our circumstances; in the sense of removing obstacles.

However, they will see these challenges not as threats or insults which must be faced alone, but as the next chapters of their growing relationship with Christ. Pain will still hurt. Disappointment will still sting. Loss will still generate grief.

But in each of these moments, those who look to Christ will be freed from looking within themselves for answers to questions that are bigger than they are (a recipe for inevitable failure). They will be able to turn to the Ancient of Days (Daniel 7:9-22) for perspective and comfort.

Like a child who looks to his/her parent when something unsettling happens; seeking to draw comfort from their experience or demeanor, we can look to God who is not caught off guard and is not threatened to gain comfort and perspective.

When we can face the hard seasons of our life with this confidence, then it allows us to savor the good seasons of our life without fear. We do not have to wait for “the other shoe to drop” or scheme how to freeze this moment in time. We can life like children who trust their parents to care for them. This is what it means to get “everything else thrown in.”

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