Overcoming Sexual Sin (Video 1 of 9)

by brad on May 16, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This is the first video in a nine part series entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” False Love has a complementing seminar entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

False Love: Step 1 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 1
ADMIT I have a struggle I cannot overcome without God.

“The message of this book is not that I’m against lust, but that I’m for God’s plan for sexual desire. Yes, lust is bad. But it’s bad because what it perverts is so good (p. 11).” Joshua Harris in Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is)

“No one deserves sin. Sin is not something to be deserved or desired, but is something to avoid at all cost (p. 50)… The more a person becomes involved in sin, the less he sees it. Sin is a hideous disease that destroys a person’s ability to comprehend its existence (p. 60).” Steve Gallagher in At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry

“In our culture sex is everything and sex is nothing (p. 120)… One of the things that porn does is to make us think marriage is for sex. But it’s the other way round: sex is for marriage (p. 125)… So what is sex for? It is, first and foremost, an act of unification, uniting two people into one flesh (p. 122)… That’s why porn—along with all sex outside of marriage—is a sham, a fiction, a lie. You can no more ‘try out’ sex than you can ‘try out’ birth. The very act produces a new reality that cannot be undone (p. 123).” Tim Chester in Closing the Window

“These romantic fantasies further increased the distance between her and Jimmy because they were a constant reminder of his failure as a husband. She noticed that the more involved she became in the novels and soaps, the more resentful she felt towards him (p. 112).” Kathy Gallagher in When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart

“When you start confiding in your friend things you’re reluctant or even resistant to share with your spouse, that’s an indicator the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship than in the marriage. When something happens and you think about sharing with your friend before you think about sharing with your spouse, that’s another indicator you’ve invited someone to stand between you and your spouse. One of the best indicators of this increasing intimacy is sharing with your friend about the problems you’re having in your marriage (p. 235-236).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“The determining factor in what makes the stimulus pornographic is how a sex addict turns otherwise nonsexual material into sexual fantasy. If you are an addict, this means you must determine what is pornographic for you and not worry about what is pornographic for someone else (p. 31).” Mark Laaser in Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction

 Blog post “How to End an Extra-Marital Relationship” (referenced as Appendix B from the False Love seminar)

Sexual Sin Evaluation: Sexual Sin Assessment

Responding to Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin (Video 9 of 9)

by brad on May 15, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This is the ninth video in a nine part series entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” True Betrayal has a complementing seminar entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

True Betrayal: Step 9 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 9.

STEWARD all of my life for God’s glory.

To “steward” something means to use it for God’s intended purpose. It is important to remember that what is being stewarded is the life of the group member in general, not the sin specifically.

Being a living testimony to the transforming power of God’s grace can feel exposing. We must be willing, when appropriate, to share what God has done on our behalf. For many who experience suffering, this will be difficult; not because they are unappreciative, but because sharing God’s grace also means sharing their suffering.

Vulnerability is the willingness to take the risk of allowing any event, belief, preference, interest, or emotion of your life to be “on the table” when it is useful to glorify God by encouraging a fellow believer, allowing a fellow believer to encourage you, or evangelizing an unbeliever. It is this disposition that breathes the life of authenticity into relationships and allows them to be mutually enjoyable, enriching, and character shaping.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell (p. 169).” C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves

C.S. Lewis Rejecting What Not to Write

by brad on May 14, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“Everyone has warned me not to tell you what I am going to tell you in this last book. They all say ‘the ordinary reader does not want Theology; give him plain practical religion.’ I have rejected their advice. I do not think the ordinary reader is such a fool… You are not children: why should you be treated like children (p. 153)?” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

People don’t want practical platitudes any more than they want dry theology. This is why I believe Lewis was safe to cast aside the cautions of his contemporaries.

It strikes me that Lewis’ advisers might also be the type to say, “Don’t teach history. History is boring.” While many early experiences with history teachers may be boring (primarily because many are coaches who are more concerned with athletics than academics), that is not a reflection of the subject.

Just as history well taught can be very stimulating, theology well taught is (in my opinion) the pinnacle of subjects. The question becomes, why has theology gotten a bad name as a boring subject? We cannot blame football coaches for this.

I believe the answer is that those who are well versed at discussing eternal, timeless realities are not always the most engaged in a temporal, daily existence. Teaching is always a journey and the theologian can have a tendency to be so enthralled with the destination (the answer) that he forgets to take his listener with him (making the questions relatable).

This was never a problem for Lewis. Rarely can you read his books without feeling like he is reading your mind (at least that is my experience). He is starting where I am – question by question, point by point, illustration by illustration—and leading me to the great truths of theology.

So our first take away is this, subjects are not boring; teachers are boring. Just as pencils don’t have bad handwriting; people have bad handwriting.

Our second take away is that we (teachers of theology) must be as creative in framing our question as we are articulate in answering them. We must realize that our listener is a pilgrim taking a journey, not a banker collecting information.

Therefore, a primary objective of teachers is to learn where their students are starting from. No journey began at an ambiguous point.

This is my experience as a counselor-teacher; what I have to say it not profound. I want the arguing couple to be nice. I want the addict to stop lying and stop using. I want the anxious person to trust God. I want the sinfully angry person to stop judging. Nobody says “Wow!” to those points, even when we say they can only be achieved by the grace of God.

But when I have done an excellent job of entering their experience and put their world into words, when they feel like I really “get them,” then simple answers point them towards their hope in Christ and radically transform their lives.

That is what Lewis has done for me in so many of his writings (theology, apologetics, fiction, journals). As we learn from his writing, I think there is as much to be learned from his style as there is his content. Lewis was able to reach an audience that spanned from the Oxford elite to the bloke at the bar. If we want to reach the same audience, then we need to follow his example.

Know Christ to Know Yourself

by brad on May 11, 2012 in Application Supplement with No comments

This post is meant to offer guidance to common “What now?” questions that could emerge from Pastor J.D.’s sermon on Hebrews 2:5-18 preached at The Summit Church Saturday/Sunday May 12-13, 2012.

In our day we have defined the meaning of life as “getting to know yourself.” But in many ways that is like trying to understand poetry without knowing the author. You can take a lot of guesses and reach some cool conclusions that seem profound, but you would have missed the meaning.

Meaning belongs to the author and we are not the author of our own life. We can say, “Your life is what you make it,” but that makes life as fickle as your mood and as volatile as your health.  When “life is what you make it” then death rewrites everything (2:15) and we know it… even if we live to ignore it.

But Hebrews 2 gives us the author’s intent for life. We come to know the Author who invaded His own story to free His creation that He loved like brothers and sisters (2:10-11). As we come to know Him we learn who we are in response to who He is. Hebrews 2 gives us four images of Christ.

1. A King Who Got Involved (2:9) – You are created to be part of a kingdom greater than yourself. Therefore you will never find meaning in your life alone. You were born of the royal lineage of the King of kings and abdicated your position to do your own thing. This was a crime of high treason. Yet the benevolent King of kings stepped in and graciously took your penalty to restore your place as an heir of His kingdom. Every lie you were prone to believe that led you to mutiny has been proven false and you are now the subject-son/daughter of the One who made you, bought you, loves you, and is ever with you.

2. A Champion Who Saves (2:10, 14-15) – You face an enemy greater than your ability. When you look for meaning in your life alone, the meaning is “defeated.” Sin and suffering both are more than we can conquer – both result in death and death wins. Or, at least that was the story until our Champion entered the story. Our doom becomes foreshadowing that enhances the glory of the Hero. We become a part of the emancipated masses. Our story is one of freedom won at great price by a Great Warrior. Our role is to celebrate and retell the story.

3. A Brother Who Is Not Ashamed (2:13) – Your deficiencies are greater than you can cover. There is no putting a “good face” on the human condition. We are all the relative that we hope no one learns about. We are the awkward kid in the lunch room. But our All-World Brother walks in and sits with us; not out of pity, but from love and genuine interest. He covers our shame with His confidence. We become who He sees us to be. His opinion of us (His gift righteousness) becomes truer of us than our own opinion. We lose ourselves and find ourselves at the same moment in Him.

4. A Priest Who Helps (2:18) – You don’t know what to say for yourself. You are at a loss for words because there is nothing that could be said. Eloquence cannot make darkness into light. You search for a way to meaningfully represent yourself to God, but your desperate silence is interpreted to God (Rom. 8:26). You find that you are understood better than you know yourself and as you hear your High Priest plead your case you learned what you groped to find in yourself. You stop trying to define “your life” and you learn that Christ is life and that He wants to express Himself through the unique way that He made you.

These four images in Hebrews 2 do not exhaust who Christ is. But hopefully these reflections have helped to establish a pattern of thought and Bible study for you.

First, learn who Christ is. Nothing else makes sense until you know the author of life.

Second, learn who you are in light of who Christ is.

Third, find areas of your life that bring an aspect of Christ’s actions/role to life in your struggles.

Fourth, worship Christ as you lose yourself and find yourself at the same time.

When Prevention Fails: A Sexual Abuse Response Policy for Churches

by brad on May 9, 2012 in Church Resource with 8 Comments

Every church ought to have the best possible sexual abuse prevention policies in their children’s ministry. These should be followed closely and reviewed regularly. But what happens when evil slips through the cracks of even the best policies and procedures? How does the church respond then? How should the church care for the victim, the victim’s parents, the alleged perpetrator, and cooperate with the legal authorities?

What is most frightening is that by the time a child molester gets caught he/she has on average 50-100 victims. How does the church find and care for the other children who have likely been abused? How does the church communicate with its people, community, and media who all want answers when these tragedies occur?

How is the situation different when the sexual abuse is by a minor against a minor instead of by an adult against a minor?

These are sickening questions. Unfortunately, they are so uncomfortable that most churches have not attempted to answer them. These questions go on the list of policies every church needs and no church has.

After 8 years of serving as a counselor at a parachurch counseling center, I came to The Summit Church in January of 2011. While in the parachurch setting I was contacted by several churches facing this type of scenario (both adult-to-minor abuse and minor-to-minor abuse). It was scary and painful to try to provide guidance. Answers were hard and time was short. The victim and family often got lost in just trying to figure out what could-should be done.

No doubt the churches’ confusion added to the physical, emotional, and spiritual trauma of these children and families.

When I got to The Summit Church this was an early priority for me. I did not want to relive this trauma from the inside. I started asking churches if they had a policy to provide guidance in these situations. The repeated answer was, “No, but we’d love a copy of yours when you write it.” Even when I contacted churches who had experienced this tragedy, the answer was the same.

The only piece of guidance I was able to find was a podcast at CCEF.  I tell the back story of this policy for two reasons. First, I want to acknowledge this is our “best effort” and will likely need amendment. Second, I want to learn if similar policies exist that we could learn from in refining this one.

So over the next year I began drafting the policy below and consulting with attorneys, pastors, counselors, social workers, medical professionals, and elementary teachers to refine what a “Sexual Abuse Response Policy” should look like for a local church. Many people were extremely gracious in donating their time and expertise.

I would like to especially thank Renee Hill (RN, Clinical Assistant Professor and Undergraduate Clinical Site Coordinator at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill School of Nursing), Darin Meece (P.A.), Phil Monroe, Alex Quigley (Elementary School Principal), and Karla Siu (LCSW, Masters in Social Work from UNC Chapel Hill)  for their contributions.

This policy is being shared publicly to serve as a resource for churches. Sexual abuse against children is frequent enough that the church must be prepared to respond. The well-being of children is at stake. The faith of generations in a family and entire communities are at stake.

Recent events at Penn State demonstrate why a church or other institution must have policies in place to provide guidance for these kinds of situations. In the absence of a pre-determined plan, fear and self-protection are strong influences upon decision making in this kind of crisis.

This policy is crafted primarily for the state of North Carolina. It should not be assumed that the laws and statutes of other states are the same. A legal review of this policy should be conducted before any version of this policy is adopted by a church to ensure that the leaders of that church understand what liabilities and responsibilities they bear.

With that said, it is my prayer that this policy will allow many churches to effectively represent Christ at a time of immense crisis. I pray that the trauma of many children and families will be lessened as God’s people are prepared to respond to one of the greatest tragedies of our day.

I ask that everyone who reads this policy to pray regularly for the protection of children. We know this is very near the heart of God (Matt. 18:6) and our discomfort with the subject should not rob these children of our prayers.

Policy in PDF Form: Response Plan for Sexual Abuse Against a Minor at XYZ Church

Responding to Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin (Video 8 of 9)

by brad on May 8, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This is the eighth video in a nine part series entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” True Betrayal has a complementing seminar entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

True Betrayal: Step 8 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 8.

PERSEVERE in the new life and identity to which God has called me.

“Even with all these complex factors, God’s healing grace abounds. If both partners are committed to restoring the marriage, they almost always succeed. The trauma often creates a deeper and more realistic intimacy with better boundaries in place. Greater maturity grows out of the crisis they have weathered (p. 351).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

“That night happened in 1993 [book published in 2005]. We can now say with absolute sincerity that we have fully healed from the adultery. Our marriage is strong and mutually satisfying. We have love and trust (p. 27).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“One of the tests for an intimate relationship is answering the question, Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, productive, strong, weak, flamboyant, shy or even smart? Can I couple any of those words with sex and romance? Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, intuitive, graceful, clumsy, lazy, self-indulgent and disciplined? Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, trusted and believed? Can I be fully as competent as I can be and not have my partner disappear? Do I feel challenged? Can I be accountable and hold my partner accountable? Is it OK to make a mistake? Does our time together really seem to matter (p. 66)?” Stephanie Carnes in Mending a Shattered Heart

“Forgiveness is a direction you are taking. Keep walking towards it (p. 173).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

C.S. Lewis on God-Saturated Human Effort

by brad on May 7, 2012 in Counseling Reflection with No comments

A Counselor Reflects on Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

“You see we are now trying to understand, and to separate into water-tight compartments, what exactly God does and what man does when God and man are working together. And, of course, we begin by thinking it is like two men working together, so that you could say, ‘He did this bit and I did that.’ But this way of thinking breaks down. God is not like that. He is inside you as well as outside: even if we could understand who did what, I do not think human language could properly express it (p. 149).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

As I reflect on this quote I am in the midst of coaching both my 5 year old’s t-ball team and my 7 year old’s coach pitch baseball team. In many ways I think this can serve as an effective metaphor for what Lewis is describing.

On the one hand, a coach does nothing. A coach does not hit a ball, throw a ball, field a ball, or run the bases. The players do absolutely everything that goes towards scoring a run or getting an out. When a player does a good job, the fans go crazy and cheer exclusively for the player

On the other hand, a coach makes all the difference in the world. While some t-ball coaches may feel like little more than volunteer cat herders, they teach, motivate, and facilitate everything that goes on during the game. There would be absolutely nothing that resembles organized athletics without the coach.

We have just described a scenario in which you can say both parties did nothing and both parties did everything. When a player who didn’t know how to hold the bat hits a home run, who gets the credit for what? How do you differentiate the coach’s motivation from the player’s determination? Where is the line between the coach’s instruction and the player’s coordination?

Being immersed in this situation a second question comes to my mind – who really cares? I do think there is some value to the question, but if we insist on dissecting it too much the patient will die. I’ve seen coaches who try to do everything “just right” and end up being over-bearing, aloof, boring, or motivationally sterile.

Trying to strictly or definitively divide responsibility tends to attack “oneness.” When a coach has to say to a player, “I call the plays. You run the plays,” that usually means something is broken and the team is hurting. Trust and communication are damaged.

Why do we insist on doing this with God? Could I suggest there are two possible reasons: we don’t trust God or we don’t want to have to rely on God. I don’t say to a player I trust, “Promise me you’re going to run to first after you hit the ball.” A player who wants to rely on his coach doesn’t say, “I can do this by myself.”

I believe for many of us our Christian faith would be much healthier if we trusted the mystery of divine-human responsibility and just celebrated the fruit as we actively-relied upon God. God is in us, around us, and works through our natural abilities. We have abilities and responsibilities that we must utilize or fulfill if we are going to experience God’s will.

Let’s not get so caught up in who gets credit for what when the fruit of the Spirit show up in our lives. Let’s celebrate that we were the kid who didn’t know how to hold the bat (or worse “dead in our trespasses and sin”) and now through God’s influence we have been enabled to hit a home run. Let’s run the bases, hug “Coach” as we cross the plate, and celebrate.

Booklet Preview – Vulnerability: Blessing in the Beatitudes

by brad on May 4, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

I am excited to announce the near release of my second publication: Vulnerability: Blessing in the Beatitudes.

The Format:

This booklet is written in a highly devotional style. After an introduction that walks you into the subject of vulnerability (in wouldn’t make sense to jump in abruptly), each beatitude is examined in five ways.

  1. Description–attempts to define the disposition, role, or activity that Jesus says is “blessed.”
  2. Benefit for Vulnerability–helps you see the connection between that beatitude and a healthy sense or acceptance of vulnerability.
  3. Implementation—provides possible ways that you could begin the process of growing in this facet of vulnerability.
  4. Personal Reflection—offers questions to assist you in examining your life in light of the beatitude under examination.
  5. Prayer—gives a sample guided prayer to help you bring this area of growth before the Lord regularly. Remember, we never grow apart from the grace of God empowering us, and prayer is the initial and primary way we demonstrate our dependence upon and vulnerability towards God. These are sample prayers to be made on your own.

Consider these sections two and three from the “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst” section.

Benefit for Vulnerability: Vulnerability requires silencing the fear of being found out. Creating more elaborate disguises does not work. Even the greatest secret agents begin to doubt their disguises when they are in a den of thieves. Acknowledging our hunger (deficiency, weakness, or insecurity) allows us to live in the real world; as opposed to the fabricated world where we have to portray that we have it all together.

This is not the voyeuristic telling of all of our problems to everyone. Rather it is placing all of our inadequacies, hurts, and sins in the hands of God to allow them to be used at His discretion for the advancement of His kingdom by encouraging, instructing, or identifying with His other hurting people. This hunger (acknowledging dependence) is a hunger for righteousness because it longs for God to redeem every aspect of our life (even the unappealing) for His glory.

Implementation: Reflect on the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-30). What are the one-talent equivalents of your life; those things you want to bury and hide for fear of God’s or other people’s scorn? Make a list of events, physical attributes, abilities, or embarrassments. Before doing anything else, bring those to God in prayer and make them “available” for whenever or however He might use them for His glory.

Then pray that God would reveal to you an opportunity to use an item on your list to encourage, instruct, or identify with someone else. Study for a biblical perspective on each item on your list so that when the moment comes, your attitude, words, and actions will reflect God’s heart. Pray that when the moment comes God will give you both the courage to speak and the heart to rejoice for the opportunity. Pray that God will eventually give you the ability to rejoice and give thanks for those aspects of your life you currently do not want to acknowledge (2 Cor. 12:7-10).

The booklet allows you to patiently examine eight qualities that Jesus called “blessed” that are parts of vulnerability. With each beatitude you learn not only what to do, but how and learn to see yourself accurately and talk to God honestly about what you’re learning. In the end that vulnerability is not one, large, monolithic thing, but a collection of qualities (like the fruit of the Spirit) in which you will have strengths and weaknesses which can be overcome by God’s grace.

Ordering Information:

You can purchase a pre-order copy now on Amazon.

You can preview four sample pages through P&R.

You can also review other booklets in The Gospel for Real Life series.

Responding to Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin (Video 7 of 9)

by brad on May 2, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This is the seventh video in a nine part series entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” True Betrayal has a complementing seminar entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

True Betrayal: Step 7 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 7.

IDENTIFY GOALS that allow me to combat the impact of my suffering.

“Prolonged pain indicates the degree of the hurt or injury, not the presence or absence of forgiveness. When pain comes to the surface, it reveals how severe the results of sin are; it does not mean that forgiveness has not occurred. Pain and forgiveness are different yet interrelated. Pain can continue after forgiveness (p. 60).” Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen

“Equally deceptive and harmful is a commitment to making sure your spouse now becomes the person you always wanted him or her to be (p. 49)… Trusting him again was not just about him being trustworthy; it was also about me recognizing there’d be times my trust would be required (p. 178).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“Whatever your [self-protective] style of relating, it probably seems to work for you. But beneath the pretenses, you’ve made a commitment that you will never be hurt again if you can help it. This commitment conflicts with the commitment to love (p. 107).” Harry Schaumburg in False Intimacy

“The next step—if and when both are ready—is to recommit yourselves to the marriage covenant and to explore the marital problems that existed prior to the infidelity. The affair did not arise in a vacuum; good marriages seldom beget adultery (p. 18).” Robert Jones in After Adultery

“The one involved in the affair is relieved to be beyond the secrecy and guilt and is rediscovering some of the reasons for the original attraction to the partner. The one cheated on, after dealing with anger and betrayal, is excited not to have lost a mate… The problem with the honeymoon is that it can sweep issues under the rug, which can later come back to haunt the marriage (p. 352).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of Sex

“If you’ve just let loose on your spouse, this is a good time for you to call a break. And when you’ve cooled down, go to your spouse and apologize. Apologize for whatever you said or did that did not help the healing process. We don’t believe you need to apologize for the feelings—those are real and true—but you do need to say you’re sorry for the way you handled them at the particular moment (p. 155)… The other aspect of transparent honesty Mona had to accept was the fact that in the end, she would have to entrust Gary to God and place herself in a position of vulnerability (p. 187).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

Responding to Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin (Video 6 of 9)

by brad on May 1, 2012 in Church Resource with No comments

This is the sixth video in a nine part series entitled “True Betrayal: Overcoming the Betrayal of Your Spouse’s Sexual Sin.” True Betrayal has a complementing seminar entitled “False Love: Overcoming Sexual Sin from Pornography to Adultery.” For more information on either seminar, please follow the links provided.

True Betrayal: Step 6 from Equip on Vimeo.

The follow quotes are part of the teaching notes being referenced.

STEP 6.

LEARN MY GOSPEL STORY by which God gives meaning to my experience.

“She suddenly realized she had lost not only her marriage and her husband but also part of herself. There was absolutely nothing left to hang on to. She found herself completely insufficient for the first time in her life, and terror gripped her… She came to understand that she had put Gary above God. It was not that she thought Gary was God—especially now—but she looked to Gary to be her source of strength, comfort, and love (p. 66)… Our faith grew because we found we were not enough and God was (p. 67).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“The foundation we rebuild on will be the foundation intended for marriage—God Himself. That foundation is sound because God is trustworthy. We rebuild the trust as if we were rebuilding a house brick by brick. The house fell, but God’s foundation is still safe (p. 185).” Gary & Mona Shriver in Unfaithful

“One’s past is never over except in God’s eyes. Our failures are woven into the fabric of our lives. The sinner can rejoice in God’s goodness and forgiveness while at the same time being reminded of his or her own vulnerability and helped to stand against ongoing temptation (p. 137).” Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen

“When we examine the Bible’s teaching on forgiveness, it’s helpful to distinguish two levels. We cultivate attitudinal or heart forgiveness before God concerning all offenders; we extend transacted or granted forgiveness to those offenders who repent (p. 15).” Robert Jones in After Adultery

“Believers need to dispel from their minds the myth that if you have forgiven someone and you love that person, you will never bring up the past. In reality, the past is inextricably woven into the present and impacts the future (p. 102).” Earl & Sandy Wilson, et al in Restoring the Fallen

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